It’s breakfast time and the boys are sitting around the table contemplating their dates, or more specifically their single dates, or conspicuous lack thereof.
They don’t have to wait too long before Osher appears, very briefly, to dump his red envelope and then high-tail it out of there. There are four of the boys who haven’t had a single date, so imagine their surprise when Courtney’s name is read out.
Osher-Matt is well pissed off.
“I’m well pissed off,” he tells them.
Sam’s non-plussed. He really doesn’t care as long as the date isn’t with Rhys. This, boys and girls, is a little device called FORESHADOWING.
Courtney, for his part, looks well-confused, and not just about his selection. His hair is looking more and more like a comb over, he’s got that maxi-cardi thing going on, and I do suspect he might be wearing a touch of eye-liner.
Of course Georgia has very good reasons for selecting Courtney. He hasn’t kissed her, and he’s handed her around more than a parcel at a five-year-old’s birthday party.
So she’s pulling out all the stops to try to get a pash. Georgia decides that Canberra Zoo would be the perfect destination for their date, because there’s only one thing that could possibly top fifteen Dalmatian puppies. Meerkats. And after revealing his truly un-adventurous spirit (“I don’t think we’re allowed in the Meerkat enclosure”) Courtney falls in love with the cute little critters, but he’s supposed to be falling in love with the girl. No kiss.
Well enough is enough for Georgia. How is a girl supposed to let a fella know she’s horny? Obviously, you drag out a couple of rhinos.
This is still too subtle for Courtney, who is not skilled in the art of metaphor.
So it’s back to the fall-back position of couches, cushions and champagne, this time with a lion chaperone. Georgia just gets to the point.
“So what the fuck is going on, Courtney?”
Courtney stares back at her like he has soiled his trousers, but as it turns out this is really a look of determination as he works himself up for a kiss. The most awkward, stiff kiss in Bachelorette history.
“That was so unexpected,” says Georgia, suddenly forgetting that she has spent the whole date trying to get him to to do just that. She says it was a good kiss, but even though I’m having a hard time believing it was anywhere close to Cam’s, it’s enough for her to produce a rose. They share another kiss, which relegates Courtney’s first one to second-most awkward kiss in Bachelorette history.
Back at the house, Osher has turned up with another red envelope. Clancy observes that the last time Osher turned up so quickly he brought intruders, but doesn’t think that there is enough room in the envelope for that.
But the envelope is far more important. It heralds the moment we have all been waiting for: the Rhys and Sam show down in the two-on-one date. Rhys is clearly at an advantage because his poetry arm is out of action. Sam is smug enough to think he has this one in the bag, possibly in the bag he has had to pack and leave in the kitchen next to Rhys’s luggage.
The ride in the back of the limo is a bit like a seated version of the walk-off in Zoolander. with each of them pulling their best Blue Steel and angling their faces so they can both avoid eye contact and make sure the camera is capturing their best side.
Georgia has decided this date will take place at Luna (tic) Park. Its big mouth couldn’t be a more perfect symbol for these two, as is the prevalence of clown faces, because they are both a pair of Bozzos.
Apart from that, it is the worst visit to a theme park ever. There are no other people which is just a little bit creepy, and even though there are no queues they don’t even go on any rides. Seriously, the producers could have saved so much money on this date by just chucking the three of them in a Uber to the airport and grabbing a drink in the departure lounge, for all that the amusements have anything to do with what is about to unfold.
They settle down at a bar table in Coney Island where Georgia pours some champagne. She then insists on seeing Rhys’s dance moves which dangerously draw attention to his feet which are again, sockless.
“Rhyssieeeeee!!” says Sam, thinking that Rhys has made a twat of himself and by elongating his pronunciation Georgia will recognise the twat status. Mission accomplished.
Rhys fires the next sortie, dropping into conversation that Sam is planning on moving to Florida.
“But where does that leave me if there’s a future with this guy?” ponders Georgia, who is named after one of the United States and only a few single-dates ago was telling Clancy about her desire to live and work in New York.
Little matter. Rhys has seen the displeasure on Georgia’s face and he is smug, smug, smug.
Next Georgia takes Rhys off for some one-on-one time. Rhys has mysteriously lost his sling, but concerned for his health, Georgia takes him on the safest ride in the park, an immobile merry-go-round.
Caught poem-less, Rhys is lost for words. No, check that. Rhys has plenty of words, it’s just that they are all shit. He says that he is not here to meet “the one” and then backs up by saying that he’s not interested in a threesome with Sam and in the real world he would have walked away from this date. Finally exposed for the arrogant cock-head that he is, Rhys fires off one more dig at Sam before Georgia gives him his marching orders.
Back at the house, the boys are expecting one of the boys to return. Instead, a production assistant dressed as an ISIL suicide bomber enters and approaches the two sets of luggage. Please note, Australia’s security watchdog, that the boys don’t bat an eye-lid about this intruder, because they are so fixated on the Samsonite.
Georgia breaks the news of Rhys’s departure to Sam, who tries to keep his poker face.
But Sam’s next move does nothing to prove that Zoolander wasn’t a documentary. He tells Georgia that he is only on The Bacherlorette to get more exposure for his pretty boy face.
“Maybe you could give me some presenting tips,” says Sam.
‘Here’s a tip. Fuck off.” And just like that, Sam lands flat on his pretty, pretty face.
At the mansion, the Halloween terrorist is back, and the boys are convinced it is Sam because even though Sam didn’t have a full beard before he left, the card said that only one of the boys would be leaving.
“Hi, Sam!” they say, before watching Sam’s bag being hauled out the door.
WTF? This is very confusing for these boys. “But the card said…”
They are even more confused at the cocktail party where Georgia insists that they wear masks and now no-one can tell each other apart. Poor Cameron thinks that he is Clancy, but at least he doesn’t launch himself into the pool.
Then in a totally spontaneous act, Matty decides to play a game designed to help Georgia get to know him better. Mission accomplished. Now she knows that his athletic specialty was the 10 000 metre walk, he used to be in pony club, and that he spent hours colouring in his Matty J sign.
I have a mental picture of Matty J colouring. He would have been gripping the pencil really tightly, pressing down really hard, and I just know he would have had his tongue sticking out while trying to keep inside the lines.
Matty just tries TOO hard.
Osher has bad news for the boys. Georgia only has five roses and there are seven blokes left. Osher-Matt struggles with the concept.
Matty. Good move. The top hat made her forget how short you are.
No real surprise here. Little Toddy had a nice singing voice, but he hasn’t opened his mouth since and he only comes up to Georgia’s navel. Osher-Matt had developed a bit more of a personality over the last couple of weeks, but even he would have to concede that a chest wax wouldn’t have hurt his chances.
She’s down to six, and in Georgia’s own words, there are some “pretty good ones” in that mix.
Game on, Gentlemen. Game on.