The Bachelor Australia (Season 7) – Episode 4: If no-one’s walking out, then I will.

No rest for the wicked.

Our episode begins with Monique walking through the bush in inappropriate footwear until she reaches a random park. Perfect timing Matt pulls up in a red matchbox car.  He unfolds himself and offers the door for her, and she’s excited.

“I’m so excited.”

She doesn’t know where he is taking her, but it’s safe to say it’s not to Woolies to stock up on supplies for the mansion, because there is no room in this silly little car and for Monique to even fit in her knees are up round her ears.

Capture

Oh…I get it.

They drive to an airport where Matt informs Monique that they are doing some aerial acrobatics.  Nothing speaks romance like a khaki flight suit and an air sickness bag, and of course they are in separate planes, each accompanied by another man.

condom
In the interest of responsible aerobatics, Matt and Monique undergo a safe sex demonstration.

Soon they are over the city and the action begins.

cropdusting
Nothing speaks romance than a spot of cropdusting.

“I don’t know what the pilot’s doing, but he’s pulling a lot of Gs.”

Call me old-fashioned but I’d rather my pilots just fly the plane.

There is no vomit, which is a little disappointing, because we all want to know if Matt would pash someone if there was any chance of sucking up a mouthful of stomach acid.

Back at the hangar, Osher has been busy transforming the place.  It’s the most romantic thing Monique has ever seen.  It’s a day lounge and a cheese platter and a couple of bunches of grapes, and there is the ever lingering scent of jet fuel. Clearly Monique has never watched a single episode of The Bachelor ever.

Anyway, Monique comes away from this looking and sounding pretty normal. She is that perfect blend of FIFO worker and  one of those chicks that holds the round numbers in a boxing match and  Matt is completely smitten. Without hesitation he reaches into the cushions, taking special care with this rose so as not to knock its head off, and then they pash.  But I’m confused?  Wasn’t Monique supposed to be the villain?

Back at the house, the girls eagerly await Monique’s return home.  Monique does something very unusual.  She is modest about her pash with Matt. Like Nic-Hole was modest about her pash, except Nic-Hole wasn’t really because she actually didn’t get one.

Next day it’s group date time and because it’s episode 4, that means a photo shoot and OMG the photos are going to appear in…TV Week!  I guess it’s time for the seventeen octogenarian ladies who actually buy TV Week to get their pacemakers serviced lest the steaminess of it all be too much for them.

The theme is FAMOUS ROMANCES.

The first scene is that one where Prince Charming goes all necrophile when he comes across the body of Isabella’s Snow White in the woods. Nic-Hole and Rachael are armed with pick-axes, ready to drive them through the heart of the bitch if she wakes up (because she would clearly be a zombie, right?) and beautiful Elinor gets to stand thirty feet away feet away dressed as an ugly witch staring at an apple.  Romantic.

snow white

Cue Cinderella. Sogand is dressed in a rocking red dress, which I don’t remember Cinderella wearing (mind you, I don’t think she was Persian either).  Mary is having none of looking like an eighteenth–century school marm, and very quickly whips the girls out to distract Matt’s attention.  Nic-Hole is very critical, but clearly only because she didn’t think of it first.

girls out

Cassandra gets to be Juliet to Matt’s Romeo, but Matt there couldn’t be less chemistry if Matt pulled out a vial of poison and skolled it right in front of her.

Finally it’s Vakoo being Cleopatra and Abby playing the eunuch.  Then suddenly Abby grows some balls and puts herself in prime position to drop grapes into Matt’s mouth and a few sour ones end up in Sogand’s. It’s all very steamy, or at least it would be if Vakoo wasn’t still sitting on the couch waiting for someone to tell her how to act.

cleo

Sexual tension clearly has not been released. It’s cocktail party time and Osher makes a surprise appearance which, according to Elly,  is unheard of at cocktail parties, except it’s happened at every  cocktail party so far this season.

But this reason is a corker and designed to create ultimate chaos.  Osher has a card with two names on it and the girls have to vote for which one gets to spend one-on-one time with Matt in the orchard.  They have to send either Abby or Sogand. They decide to send Abby for a variety of reasons, but Mary thinks it’s a great idea because Abby will shoot herself in the foot. Vakoo votes for Abby because Mary tells her to.

The girls are pretty much convinced that there will only be sexual chemistry and the conversation will suck, which is kind of true because it’s hard to have a conversation when someone is sucking on your tongue. And there is a lot of tongue sucking.

snog

Abby walks back into the room and vows that she had a little peck with Matt and that WAS IT.

All hail the villain.  And who’d-a-thunk it?

But the girls aren’t buying it, because Abby looks like this:

abby returns

We go to an ad break and that’s OK, because it gives us time to gird our loins for the cat fight that is about to ensue.

But we come straight back to the rose ceremony.  Where’s my eyeball gouging?  Where is the whirlwind of hair extensions being ripped from scalps? There’s not even a dunny door being slammed in the face of a producer!

Just Matt handing out a bunch of dumb roses.

rose ceremony

And he gave one to scrawny Cassandra. And weird little screwed-up face Julia. And the horsey looking one with the enormous fake boobs.

Not Isabelle. Playing a dead Snow White proved prophetic.

There was supposed to be a walkout.  We were PROMISED a walk-out.

But it’s all a bit of a non-event really because Isabelle was the only one who walked out and that’s annoying.

This whole night has been a non-event and I’m really pissed off.  Hey – that would make great click bait! If only Channel 10 had thought of it first.

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