So here’s the premise. Take the second most popular guy from Angie Kent’s season of The Bachelorette. Now that he has recovered from the tragic death of his grandmother that forced him to leave the show, give him a chance to find love again on Bachelor in Paradise. Give him the idea to walk in naked, save for a bunch of grapes, and then dress him in nothing but skimpy Speedos and get him to crack on to anything that moves. Ply everybody on the island with unlimited drinks and then drop his ex-girlfriend into the mix. And make that girlfriend have a BIG SECRET.
For the producers of Bachelor in Paradise, this is a tinder box ready to explode. If the producer’s name was Mr Holland, this would be his opus. And it’s only episode 3.
So more about that later.
There is some other stuff going on, after all.
For one, Timmmm has finally revealed why Jamie has created the moniker “Big Sexy” to describe his mate:
Secondly, there is so much love in the air that even the lizards are getting it on. And that’s not even a metaphor:
There are a couple of mini-dates. Brittney and Timm are sitting in a hammock and both are musing about how amazed they are to have a connection so quickly when they would never have though that they were suited…(cue foreshadowing)
Osher gifts Jake a date card, and rather than take Cass who he has been hitting onto for forty-eight hours, he cuts Glenn’s grass and offers it to Helena. It’s not long before Jake regrets this, when he finds that Helena’s conversation is dull to the point of non-existence, but he has no one to blame but himself. I mean, did he even watch The Bachelor? From where I’m sitting this is virtually a visual catalogue of what to order for Bachelor in Paradise (it’s so incestuous), so his surprise factor should be zero.
The irony is that if Helena has suddenly been lost for words, her other potential beau, Glenn has suddenly turned into a Chatty Natty as he seeks counsel from Big Sexy:
Timmmm offers sage advice:
“She’s like a 12 out of 10. She’s way above you.” (Probably) “But girls love nothing better than a bloke getting into a fight for them.” (I’m thinking…nah)
Ciarran and Jess go on the most romantic date she has ever had. She can thank the producers for fulfilling her dream of sitting on a paddle board with a man in fluorescent green dick togs in the middle of a torrential downpour, trying to dodge an oar:
“Sorry Jess. I nearly sliced your tits off.”
Where’s the Mills and Boon cover for that one, eh?
But my favourite mini-date of all is between Brittney and Jamie. You will remember that Brittney saved Jamie from a terrible fate of dying from dehydration with her one-on-one tutelage of how to operate a sippy cup. In return, Jamie gave Brittney his rose – eventually. Well, Jamie is glad that Brittney is still here and he decides he needs to organise something special – a couple of cocktails and a pile of cushions. The miracle of this is that Brittney appears to like Jamie as well, and it appears to have calmed her – there has not been a single conga line this episode. So Brittney goes all out to hook Jamie in:
“I really like you.”
“Like really, really like you.”
“Like I feel like I’m on school camp and I’ve never been kissed.” (licking her lips and staring into his eyes)
“I really, really, really want to share this experience with you.”
“Yeah…how are your volleyball skills?”
The date ends and Jamie is a little disappointed.
“I tried, but like if only Brittney had given me a sign.”
This guy IS Judd Apatow’s prototype for The Forty-Year-Old Virgin.
Suddenly Osher runs in. This can only mean one thing: he has news. Oh…and does he! He is settling the rumours once and for all that the much-discussed Renee, ex-girlfriend of Ciarran is indeed coming to Paradise, and to balance it all, this means Ciarran’s life is about to become a living Hell.
In fact, Ciarran is so upset, he accidentally storms off into his own cabin.
Now what ensues is pretty intense and crazy because this Renee is connected to so many of them. I have tried to simplify this in the diagram below:
Before you can say “Another mojito please” it’s Bula Banquet time. Now it is very important to distinguish between a banquet and a cocktail party. A cocktail party involves everyone standing around drinking until someone creates some drama. At a BANQUET, everybody SITS around a table drinking until someone creates some drama. And there is also fish.
And it into this heady mix that Renee is paid a hefty appearance fee to stir shit up thrown. Wow. How to simplify what happens next? Here goes:
Renee quickly catches up by skolling three bottles of red wine.
Ciarran makes a noble speech confessing all his indiscretions to the group and accepting all blame for his break-up with Renee.
“I’ve made some dick moves.” Every time his dick moves, apparently.
Osher leaves the stupid anonymous question box on the table.
The first question is about Ciarran and Renee. Ciarran then assumes all the questions in the box are about him and he spits the dummy, rips off the tablecloth, flips over the table, flings around a few chairs and sets the whole thing on fire…
(Alright…I embellished. There was no tablecloth.)
Ciarran finds a bar where he can drink all he likes and not have to split a bottle of wine with anybody.
Timmmm decides to act like one of the witches from Macbeth. He feeds Renee a couple of truths about Cass and Ciarran, follows up with a couple of half-truths, brings it home with some bald-faced lies and then sits back to admire his handy work, which sadly includes some side-eye from his wannabe love Britt (and I’m sure there’s more to come about this!)
Renee starts bawling and running around the palms. Ciarran decides it’s time to talk to Renee and he catches her just in time – she was headed to the beach in high heels and risked doing an ankle in a crab hole.
They sit to talk it out. She has a big secret about Ciarran. Will she tell it.
Yes. No. Why am I being loyal to the prick. Yes. No….
“While he was on The Bachelorette, he was texting ME! He wanted to get it on with ME! Who do you think picked him up at the airport?”
WHAT! The nation collectively recoils. Did Ciarran, the larrikin who stole Australia’s hearts do the dirty on our Ange? More importantly, did he pull off the biggest dead grandmother ruse since Johnny Fairplay on season 7 of Survivor?
(Side note: Johnny Fairplay is now a professional wrestler, so there is still a career path for cads.)
Ciarran claims he’s had enough. He’s packing his Speedos and he’s out of here…
But of course, it’s to be continued…