I cannot wait until the next time I have to fill in some naff form where I am asked to list my hobbies. No more ‘reading’ and ‘indy films’, because I have found my true passions: watching vain people fall flat on their smug faces, and watching dumb people over-think things. And thank-you episode 2 – you had both in spades.
You may recall that last night’s episode ended with the intra-red cameras honed in on Abbie and Ciarran having special cuddles.
If they were special, they were certainly not secret as Mary proves:
“Ciarran’s getting all his little soldiers out and about.”
Just how many soldiers does he have down there?
In any case, they all seem to be asleep in the barracks for the time being as Ciarran enjoys a breakfast rum with his mate Tim.
Suddenly the peace is shattered by a re-nourished Janey, who has gained enough strength to hold a date card aloft.
“It’s a date card! It’s for Abbie!” she squeals.
Of course this is a no-brainer for Abbie who has wasted no time in telling the rest of the crew that Ciarran spent a solid three hours in her bed last night, and as far as Abbie is concerned, the deal is sealed.
She asks Ciarran to accompany her on the date and of course he accepts and as they stride off – he resplendent in his leopard print Speedo and she in her white bikini, -everyone else is left to wonder which if them will get their gear off first.
Now, I can’t get past this without passing my opinion on white swimwear. There are a million reasons why I hate white togs, bikinis in particular, which I won’t get into here. But this bikini of Abbie’s at best looks like something Brazilians wrap their babies in, or worse an oversized sanitary napkin. And that’s from the front. Nobody’s derriere looks good when it looks like it has half a roll of toilet paper wedged in the crack. Not Abbie, not anyone.
Meanwhile, the rest of the girls have assembled to give Jamie a tutorial about how to drink out of a water bottle. For all of his forty years, Jamie has suffered from a drinking problem. Why does the water spill all over his face when he attempts a drink? Helena points out that his hose has to be in the wet stuff for it to all work properly, and we may also have discovered where Jamie is going wrong in the sport of love as well.
While the inability to drink from a glorified sippy cup might be a definite no for most women, Conga Brittney is sooooo desperate to stay in paradise, that she actually wants to be Jamie’s straw tutor. And Jamie seems to be happy about it.
“Brittney’s great,” he admits. “She’s infectuous.”
She’s what? Whatever it is, it doesn’t sound like a good thing to be in a pornogamy.
Down in the ocean, Helena is frolicking with Glenn, which has sent Mary into a tailspin. Glenn is the only man who has caught Mary’s eye, and she desperately wants to make babies with him. She decides to make her move and tells Glenn how she feels.
Glenn responds by telling her what a great mate she is, but how he really has the hots for Helena.
Poor Mary! Friend-zoned by her beloved before the rose ceremony! This is a worry, but not enough of a worry for her to chat to Niranga, who we literally have not laid eyes upon since that fleeting glimpse as he entered the place yesterday.
Mary does not have long to wallow in her pity, because just like that, Osher has shoved another girl through the swinging doors of Paradise – tattooed stripper Jess, who apparently was an intruder on Matt Agnew’s season of The Bachelor for approximately fifteen seconds. She has two secret weapons – personality and charisma – but all I can see are her boobs…
….oh…I get it.
Jess has her hopes firmly pinned on Ciarran, who unfortunately for her is on some date where he is wearing dick togs, Abbie is wearing an ill-fitting bikini and they are sitting in a puddle so they can keep going on about how moist they are.
Cass is clearly intimidated by Jess, who she describes as a bitch, but makes the best effort to let bygones be bygones and start off with a fresh slate:
“OMG, Jess! You’ve lost sooooooooo much weight!”
Well played, Cass. Well played.
Britt senses a threat so quickly invites Timmmm to join her for a sunset bath.
“Why do they keep putting me in baths?” Tim laments, and I totally get it because I also don’t get the appeal of two hairy limbs draped over the sides of a vessel clearly meant to contain one person. And I am still traumatised by THAT chocolate bath when Richie and Alex turned themselves into a couple of Ferrero-Roches.
At least there weren’t candles everywhere, lest the poor bloke spontaneously combust! Britt, who has donned a white one piece is then forced to spend the next three hours submerged until the change of cameraman shift, because to get out would be to put the porn into pornogamy. Stupid white swimsuits. They share a passionate kiss and we are left to ponder one thing:
Where did Timmmm’s legs go?
Suddenly it’s night time and Abbie and Ciarran return from their date and the group quickly splits into girls and boys so they can get the lowdown on the date:
Abbie: There’s sooooooo much chemistry between Ciarran and I.
Ciarran: Look at the norks on that Jess! Wouldn’t mind getting my end in there!
Nek minnet, the infra-red camera captures Ciarran apparently getting his end in there.
Back outside, Conga Brittney decides that she is going to ask Jamie on a champagne date. Jamie responds by weighing up his options and telling her he’s into Helena and Abbie and maybe Mary and champagne might be a bit too much.
OMG, JAMIE. IT’S DAY FRICKEN 2! THE POOR BLOODY GIRL FOUND A DEAD BODY ON VALENTINE’S DAY!
Just go on a fricken date already. Her Bachelor options are almost over and the poor thing doesn’t deserve to be forced into Married at First Sight. And she is a girl who is actually coming on to you…
Finally Osher arrives to announce that there will be a rose ceremony where two of the girls will be going home, but first there will be a cocktail party.
This poses a question: what is the difference between a cocktail party and the rest of the day, when you are served rum daiquiris for breakfast?
The answer is apparently dresses made out of latex with zips up the back.
Brittany has one last crack at Jamie when they join Britt an Timmmm on the memory foam day bed and Jamie spends the next ninety minutes professing his love for Timmmm, who he has awkwardly nicknamed “Big Sexy”. Thankfully, for not the first time in his Bachelor/ette history, Timmmm excuses himself to have a pee and forces Jamie to look at Brittney. Even though he likes drunk Brittany more that this sober version, Jamie promises he will give her his rose.
Abbie makes a dual-realisation: not only has Ciarran drifted to Jess, but that means she doesn’t have a rose. Casting her gaze around the room, she decides that Jamie is her guy-. Like a lioness picking out the weakest gazelle, she decides she will be able to use her skills to evoke sympathy and Jamie will give her his rose. Her eyes water. She pouts. She stares longingly into Jamie’s eyes. and it works…sort of. Now Jamie is confused but pretty sure he is going to give Abbie his rose. Or Brittany. Or Mary. Or maybe Helena.
Now it must be time to point out the elephant in the room – Niranga.
There are desperate girls, but none desperate enough to date Niranga. I can’t even begin to explain what this says about the poor bloke.
Luckily for Niranga, the men have the power to choose tonight, and since Glenn is besotted with Helena, Niranga picks Mary. Timmmm picks Britt, Jake picks Cass, Ciarran picks Jess and before we know it there are three girls left: Janey, Abbie and Brittany.
And Jamie has the final pick.
The concentration on his face is palpable.
He promised Brittney.
He promised Abbie.
Did he promise Mary? He’s not sure, but then remembers Niranga picked her already. Phew.
Straw must be below the water…
The mouse powering the treadmill in Jamie’s brain is about to expire…
“Brittany…” he stammers, crumbling to a heap on the ground, mentally exhausted.
And we are left with a shattered Abbie who can’t figure out where her feminine wiles failed, and Janiy, who can’t figure out why she was there in the first place.
See you next week.