The Bachelor Australia (Season 4) – Episode 8: By the pricking of my thumbs, something fishy this way comes.

It’s the morning after the intruders arrived and one thing is perfectly clear: those new girls need to respect the old girls just like they respect each other. Excuse me while I stifle a cough.

“Welcome to the house of hell,” opines Keira to the intruders. That’s more like it. Yes indeedy, and judging by the butt-ugly shirt Osher has rocked up in, his under-handed rose theft last night that sent Georgia home has sent him into some sort of fashion purgatory.

Anyhow, the date card announces that Olena has won the first single date. She’s amazed that she’s going on another one-on-one so soon.  Faith too is amazed:

“I think she might be the dark horse in this.”

Nikki says that Elena has something that none of the others have.  I know what you’re thinking Nikki…it’s perfect beauty, class and elegance, right?

“Mystery and intrigue,” Nikki elaborates.

Hello?  Have either of you even had a good look at the girl?

Richie clearly knows that the ante must be upped for Olena.  Gone are the noisy helicopters, and out comes the sleek lines of the Lear jet.

I can’t help but notice that Richie has again opted for the blue jeans.  I hope he has given them a wash this time, because in the twenty-four hours since the last episode aired, I have been most concerned about Richie’s blue hands, because surely he must have ended up with blue calves, blue thighs, blue balls…

Definitely blue balls.

It’s not long before they arrive at their destination, The Zin house in Mudgee.  It’s a classy place.  Olena knows this.  That’s why she eats her scone and jam with a knife and fork.

Then it’s off to a grove where cushions sprout magically from the ground…

Hang on.  I feel a sense of déjà vu, like I have written these words before. Like when Richie last took Olena to a date in a grove where cushions sprout magically from the ground. They have a deep conversation which goes something like this:

Richie: “I want get to know you better.

Olena: “I do not open up.  I keep up my guard. You must know I love you because I treat you with such indifference.  Is Ukrainian way.”

Richie: “Will you accept this rose?”

The rose, then the pash.  Then Richie says that he wants to get to know Olena deeper, because he only managed to get his tongue as far as her third rib.

Back at the house, Sarah, the new girl with the voice even more annoying than Keira’s, reads out the date card. Keira is pleased not to be on this date, until she realises that  Khali hasn’t been picked either. Reptilian tongue engages.  Lips are licked.

The eight chosen ones have an absolute treat in store.  They are off to the Sydney fish market, which is exactly the same as the meat market they have been in for the last eight episodes, except that it is slimier.  Richie whips out his foot-long John Dory and (surprise, surprise) Alex can’t wait to wrap her lips around it.

Fish chosen, the girls are divided into pairs who then have fifteen minutes to whip up a seafood dish. The prize is a date with Richie to eat a seafood dish, presumably one not laced with false eyelashes, stray hair extensions and the lingering aroma of spray-on tan.  So after sucking voraciously on a crab leg, Richie announces that Rachel and Noni have won the challenge.

“Hooray!” exclaims Noni.  “I get to spend one-on-on one time with Richie…and Rachel.”

And so ensues a perfectly friendly date where Rachel rubs it in to Noni that she lives in WA and Noni tries to impress Richie with her ability to swallow:

Before too long it’s the next day and the next date and finally Keira gets her one-on-one.

Richie rocks up in a convertible to pick up his date.  He’s started to realise that maybe Keira acts one way in front of him and one way in front of the other girls, so to find out the truth he takes her on a single date, without any other girls.  Kudos for logic, Richie.  No matter, because one can only imagine the seeds that Alex has planted about Keira in the few minutes she has him alone in the love turret before the monotonous sound of her voice lulls him off to slumber.

Richie has planned a date specifically with Keira in mind.  It reminds me of all those shows I’ve seen on the Crime and Investigation channel where the man plans a date “with his wife specifically in mind” and she ends up in a crumpled heap at the bottom of a cliff or in a million pieces at the wrong end of a wood chipper. But no, he takes her off into the bush to a place where two exercise mats are positioned near a pond.  How very zen.

“I’ve done my research,” says Richie proudly. “I know you’re into yoga.”

“I said I’m into yoghurt, but whatevvs…” replies Keira, who appears to have been attacked by bees during the open-topped car ride, swelling her bottom lip to appear more groper-ish than normal:

Richie soon learns that on a yoga date, Keira is alpha downward dog, because she has been doing yoga for two years, don’t you know.

It’s not long before Richie has had a gut full of yoga bullying, and decides to do something he knows he’s a master at: punching holes in coconuts with machetes, absolute proof that even though we’re only half-way through this series he has started recycling his dates already.

“You seem to be very stand-offish in group situations,” suggests Richie.

“Only because of what I’ve been through,” Keira replies.

“I understand,” says Richie, almost like he does.

He doesn’t.  He has NO IDEA.

“I’ve seen some side of you that I’m not sure of,” furthers Richie, clueless.

Lip licking. Lip licking.

“What do you mean?” hisses Keira.

Not only does Richie not give her a rose, he gives her the shaft, and not in an Olena way.

Next minute:

For her part, Keira is nonchalant:

“Whatevvs.  I can deal. So glad to be away from those fucking bitches. Who needs Richie.  I’m so fucking loveable.”

But finally Richie proves that he has balls.  They might be blue, but they are there.

Before you can blink an eye it’s cocktail time and it’s like someone said: You know what would be fun? Let’s make our dresses out of shit we can find lying around the house!

What else could explain Khali’s duct tape number or the thing that Nikki fashioned out of left over garden party doilies?

It’s not long before news about Keira reaches The Bachelor mansion via Osher.

The girls are all glad that Keira’s gone because that means they can all now live happily ever after as Mrs Richie.

Sure. Until Richie takes Nikki to…the upper lounge.

Rachel asks Alex if she is feeling alright.

“ummmmemmmmummmm,” grimaces Alex.

Alex has a lump in her throat.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Sue the surgeon, Alex. They can shave those Adam’s apples these days and then no one would be any the wiser.

Anyhow, it’s rose ceremony time, and it had better be less stressful than last night.  That whole eleven minus one plus one mumbo jumbo kept me tossing and turning all last night.

And then what!  Osher announces that Richie has decided not to have a rose ceremony!

NO!

I’m conflicted.  One part of me thinks that Osher too feels guilty about last night’s rose calculation malfunction.

On the other, maybe Richie has reverted to type.  Completely and utterly ball-less.

There’s something definitely fishy going on. But we’ll have to wait until Tuesday to find out.