“The Bachelor Canada:  Season 1, Episode 5” – Do Androids Have Nightmares About Frenzied Water Fowl?

We’re on the home stretch now as Brad is down to his final four girls.  At the beginning of the episode, Brad reflects upon the time he has spent with each of the girls.  He remembers how his “jaw dropped” when Kara got out of the limo and flung a softball at his head. He still gets tingles thinking about it.  I know how that feels.  I tripped over on the driveway once and had no feeling in my knee for months.

Then he reminisces about BianKKA and how she appreciates his sense of humour, like the time he almost gave her pneumonia walking around in the rain in Paris.  That was hilarious.

Then there’s the gorgeous Gabrielle.  She was the first girl to grab him and drag him outside at the first cocktail party.  That should have been a warning sign, but since self-confessed nymphomaniac real estate agent Bubba was still in the picture, I guess we can forgive Brad for not picking up on that. He says that there’s a lot more to Gabrielle that she hasn’t allowed him to see. Like intellect. Sadly Brad, I reckon she’s shown you what she’s got.

And then there’s Whitney.  He’s attracted by her intensity.  He likes that she’s up for anything and she never gives up…just like a fembot.  He thinks she has a hard time saying what she feels.  All she has to do to win Brad over is tell him what she’s really thinking.

“Gabrielle’s a skanky mole.  Gabrielle’s a skanky mole.  Gabrielle’s a skanky mole…”

So off Brad goes to Mississauga to meet up with BianKKa’s family.  In her whole life she’s only brought one guy home and we assume he’s the one who ended up marrying Kim Kardashian, so I guess she has some reason to be apprehensive. BianKKA takes him to her favourite childhood ice-cream parlour where she puts Brad through an ordeal by frost, making him pick her favourite ice-cream flavour.  You can see that Brad wants to say tutti-frutti, but being raised by a father who is a senator, he has a little more diplomacy that that.  So he blurts out, “Mint chocolate-chip” because that’s his favourite and wonder of wonders… that’s her favourite too. That is destiny being sealed right there. Even Brad notes that they have even more in common than he thought.

Dessert picked for a future wedding reception as Brad and BianKKa are confirmed as the only two people on the planet who like mint choc-chip.

BianKKA then takes Brad off to a picnic blanket where she has some red wine and a couple of glasses.  This speaks volumes about Mississauga, where apparently you can leave bottles of wine and picnic blankets unattended in parks and they are not going to ferreted away by the homeless. Nothing goes better to wash down choc chip ice-cream than a heavy bodied red, but he’s not on a date with Whitney, so BianKKa’s company will have to do.

Then it’s off to meet BianKKa’s parents.  BianKKA hopes that it isn’t too awkward because they don’t speak English. No problem, because Brad speaks French as well and that covers everyone in Canada.  Except the Croatians, like BianKKa’s parents.  If the language barrier isn’t enough, Brad admits he’s been sliding all over the leather seats of his car in perspiration and nothing makes a better first impression than a soggy crotch.

Anyway, turns out it’s all an hilarious joke that BianKKa’s family likes to play one her unsuspecting dates as explained by her father, Steve.  There is one really annoyed production assistant somewhere who spent about six hours searching for the perfect Croatian polka to play in the background. It all bodes well for BianKKa though, because Brad loves having his head messed with and says that they’re his kind of people.

“Parlez-vous Croatian?  Me neither, eh?” But BianKKa’s brother dons a funny headdress to continue with the ruse.


The hilarity continues when Steve draws a dagger and lunges it at Brad as a warning should Brad’s intentions prove impure.  Real thigh slapper.  Then Steve suggests they call over a priest right now to get the job done.  Bahahahahahaha!

You hurt my girl your testicles are mine.  Just jokes! Ha, ha!

Next, Brad is off to visit Kara. Clearly resentful that Brad never took her on the date to Paris, Kara decides that she will traipse about in the rain in Vancouver. Brad wastes no time asking Kara who he will be meeting, what language they speak and whether her father has a collection of medieval weaponry.  To his relief, Kara says that her father is away with work, in some far-flung Canadian outpost toiling for an oppressive boss who doesn’t consider appearances on reality television programs a valid reason for a leave of absence.

Luckily, Kara’s uncle owns a tour boat and he rocks up to take them on a three hour cruise around Vancouver. In the event of it turning into a “Gilligan’s Island” scenario, Kara and Brad have all the rations necessary for survival; a case of champagne and a punnet of strawberries.

“And when the strawberries run out, we can eat Uncle.” Kara and Brad plan for any potential maritime disaster.

Then it’s off to meet the rest of the family. Kara’s mum brings Kara to tears reiterating about her father’s heartless bosses who won’t let him have the time off,  and then the rest of the family sit down to have a meal.  Then wouldn’t you know it, some strange old guy emerges from the French doors behind Kara and Brad and it turns out to be…Kara’s dad, Kurt! You couldn’t script that! What a bunch of practical jokers these Canadians are!

In a first for any series of “The Bachelor” one of the contestants is abducted by a home invader.

All too soon, the date is over and Brad is off to Oakville to meet Gabrielle. Gabrielle hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Brad yet, so she’s really looking forward to this day spent with only him, her mother, her sister and eight other miscellaneous relatives.

But before she introduces Brad to them, she takes him off to a senior community centre to play Bingo with some old folks.  Gabrielle has a strange idea about one-on-one time. It turns out that she volunteers at the centre twice a week and she wanted him to see this side of her.  Brad is rendered speechless, which works out OK, since most of his fellow Bingoers are deaf.

“Legs 11!  Two fat ladies, 88! 69…BINGO!”

By the time they get to Gabrielle’s house she says that her hands are shaking.  This is probably because it is a miserable day in Oakville, and while Brad is wearing three layers of clothes. Gabrielle has only been wearing a flimsy little summer frock which offers no covering for her arms and legs and barely covers her butt. Hypothermia has set in. At the house, Gabrielle is hugged by every member of her extended family in hopes that the transference of body heat will get her heart beating again.

Gabrielle describes her cousin Paris as “out-of-control”.  Flamboyant might be a better description, as  Paris has clearly taken a bit of a shine to Brad himself.

“Brad is a hot catch,” effuses Paris. “This guy is like, you know, diamonds. I feel like we’re meant to be together.  He’s brilliant.  He’s beautiful.”  Gabrielle realises her mistake.  It’s just like the Bachelor mansion all over again.

Gabrielle give Paris the type of glare usually reserved for Whitney.

After dinner the family convinces Brad to join them in some awkward belly-dancing.

Paris loans Brad one his belly-dancing outfits, but is disappointed when Brad decided to wear it over his clothes and then Mum cuts his grass.

Post-humiliation, Paris takes Gabby into the kitchen.

“What do you think?” asks Paris. “Am I too much for him?”

“Yes,” says Gabby before plunging a lamb shank bone into his chest and watching him die an agonising death on the tiles.  “And he’s mine, you hear me!  Mine!”

So it didn’t quite pan out that way, but it would have made for an unforgettable moment.

Gabrielle is willing Paris to choke on his product placement

Finally, we’re off to Calgary, Whitney’s home town. Brad has questions about Whitney because she doesn’t really open up to him and he wants to find out if this is something she gets from her family. He says that she will progress with him if she starts to show and say what she really feels.  I think that was the plot premise of “I, Robot” and from what I recall that didn’t turn out too well.

Whitney knows that Brad is terrified of heights, so for her date she takes him to the top of a ski jump. Brad feels the familiar sensation of vomit entering his oesophagus. Of course, in that crazy, Canadian way, it’s all jokes.  Instead, Brad and Whitney get dressed up in speed suits to go boobsledding…I mean bobsledding.

Whitney continues to advance her plan for worldwide domination of lycra

Later, on a park bench, Brad tells Whitney she needs to start verbalising how she feels.  Whitney says she understands and then says nothing.  Then it’s off to meet the rest of the family.  Mum gives Paris a run for his money in espousing about Brad’s beauty and rubs her hands in glee at the prospect of babies; whether that’s in having grandbabies or the thought of eating them is not entirely clear.  Soon it is time for a one-on-one date with Whitney’s dad and we get to see where her robot tendencies come from.  Geoff is one of those guys who speaks without moving his lips.  By dinner time, Whitney’s twin sister and niece have disappeared and it’s only the parents joining them for the meal.  Then robot Geoff makes Brad’s adam’s apple bob up and down.

“I want you to look me in the eye and honestly tell me that your feelings for her are something that could move forward and that you may have a future together,” Geoff says in perfect monotone.

By now, Brad is used to the feeling of bile rising in his throat on dates with Whitney, so he scarcely misses a beat when he tells Geoff that that’s how he felt from day one.

Geoff expresses his joy that Whitney has found a man like Brad

Whitney sits there fiddling with the food on her plate, not ingesting anything, because robots don’t have to. Brad thinks Whitney might be pulling the wool over his eyes, but then remembers he’s not on “The Bachelor: Nyoo Zeelund”.

Back at the mansion, it’s rose ceremony time, and the girls haven’t even been primed with cocktails to dull the potential pain of rejection.  But first Brad feels compelled to call Whitney aside to address her emotional issues.

Whitney fails to show any emotion even when Brad tells her how emotionless she is

Kara gets a rose first, and then BianKKa, leaving Gabrielle and Whitney in their last showdown.  Host Tyler emerges to tell everyone there is only one rose left, in case the girls have trouble counting backwards. Brad then gives the final rose to Whitney, freeing up Gabrielle to resume her career as an unpaid bingo caller.

Whitney manages to contort her face into a grimace-like smile in reaction to Gabrielle’s departure.

Gabrielle spends her final seconds of fame bad mouthing Whitney, meaning she left the show pretty much the way she entered it.

Back inside, Whitney has switched back to robot mode before the credits roll and we are treated to an out-take from Brad and Whitney’s time in Calgary where Brad is chucking bread at geese and they in turn are terrorising Whitney.

Now, more of that I’d like to see.  It is fantasy date week next week.  Sadly though it’s Brad’s fantasy and not mine.

Next week, Brad takes Whitney on a fantasy date to Canada’s largest aviary.

The Bachelor: Canada, Lifestyle You (Foxtel channel 128), Tuesdays 7:30 pm (replayed on Friday nights)








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