“The Bachelor Canada (Episode 6)”: Eighty Percent of the Iceberg is Below the Surface

It’s fantasy date time, but after blowing the budget in about week three, there’s not a Paris, Rome or other city of romance in sight, unless cities of romance are perched on rocky outcrops in the middle of the North Atlantic.  Instead Brad’s keeping it all domestic and taking the girls to “The Maritimes” for some shooting and lobster wrangling.

So off Brad jets to Ferrytown, Newfoundland to meet BianKKa.  Not satisfied with nearly giving her pneumonia on the date in Paris, now Brad’s trying to add frostbite to the mix.  They embrace on a windy shore, iceberg in the background. BianKKa’s never seen an iceberg before so she thought there was a giant piece of foam floating on the water.  Welcome to Newfoundland – Polystyrene Province. To prove it’s a real iceberg, Brad takes BianKKa on a sea kayak to paddle around it. BianKKa is not so sure.  She hasn’t packed her bikini, nor a forty-four gallon drum of Vaseline to smear on her body to protect her should she be tossed into the brine.  But she’s a good sport about it:

“F*ck this thing’s heavy.”

“All the way there?  It’s so far!”

“Can you row for a bit?  I’m doing all the work.”

“I just want to get to this fricken piece of foam and then go.”

Brad tells her to chill put.  Shouldn’t be too hard that close to the Arctic Circle. They finally make it to the iceberg, but far from being awe-inspired, she complains about the waves and the deep water. If the object of the date was to see what sort of a wife BianKKa would make, then mission accomplished.

Anyways, ever the gentleman, Brad warms her lips up, then produces a cocktail shaker and serves her up a vodka martini complete with ice he has chipped of a conveniently located chunk of glacier.

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BianKKa checks her dirty martini for seagull excrement  which may have been transferred from the filthy glacier.

Then Brad produces an envelope from Tyler, inviting her to stay in Brad’s fantasy suite for the night. BianKKa immediately realises that the same offer will be made to the other two girls and all those horrid memories of cheating come flooding back, but BianKKa says yes and a helicopter swoops down like a scene from “Apocalypse Now” and before you can say “Kim Kardashian screwed me over”, they’re sipping champagne in the fantasy room. Cut to the outside of the lodge, part quaint-Newfoundland boarding house; part “Amityville Horror” and the light in the suite goes out.  We can only assume this means that BianKKa has passed out due to a heady mix of vodka, champagne and head cold medication.

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“Good night, Brad.  Goodnight, Bianka.”  If “The Waltons” had been set in Newfoundland.

A new day dawns and Brad is meeting Kara in Nova Scotia.  Don’t tell BianKKa, but the transportation is private jet, not sea kayak, and the sun is out and Kara’s midriff is exposed.  Brad’s taking Kara double-trap skeet shooting.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Kara’s always wanted to go double-trap skeet shooting.  “This is a dream date. It really is,” Kara gushes, before changing into camouflage gear, because you don’t want those clay targets getting skittish.

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Brad and Kara are prepared in the event of a surprise ambush from evicted bunny-boiler, Bubba.

In a twist, Brad has decided to combine the shoot with a game of truth or dare. Every time they shoot a target, the successful shooter gets to ask the other a question.  This starts off as a very boring game, because they are both woeful at double-trap target shooting.

Finally Kara manages to shoot a target, and then Brad gets one and they get to ask each other questions.  Brad asks what the biggest surprise has been for Kara.  She says that she never expected someone like Brad to be there.  I know it’s taken a long while for “The Bachelor” to get to Canada, but it’s ridiculous how many of these girls don’t seem to know how the format works.

After a hard day of shooting, Kara gets the invite from Tyler and about three seconds later she’s upstairs, her shoes are off and the scene fades before cutting to a Newfoundland sunset. More than the sun is going down.

Finally, Brad is off to Prince Edward Island to meet up with Whitney.  Brad wants Whitney to be more verbal with him, and he thinks the best way for that to happen is to take her lobster fishing.  Actually, lobsters aren’t such a bad metaphor for the bachelorettes.  Like the crustaceans, all the meat is in the tail and the heads are full of crap.  Brad thinks this is a great date to take Whitney on because there is no adrenalin involved and they get to wear orange rubber pants.

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“Rubber.  Now you’re talking.”  Whitney opens up to Brad,

After spending the afternoon putting rubber bands on pincers, Brad takes Whitney to a hot tub.  Conveniently, Whitney has packed a swim suit.  Whitney has had her microchip adjusted since we saw her last and she finally tells Brad that she can see a future with him. which apparently is all he has been waiting for. Then Whitney gets the letter from Tyler and without hesitation agrees to spend the night with Brad.

Before we know it, it’s rose ceremony time, but Whitney seems to be having doubts. She is confused, just like in a science fiction movie where the android starts to feel human emotions.

All of a sudden, Tyler appears to tell them that Brad is going to choose two of them to meet his parents.

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So if Tyler was here all the time, why didn’t he deliver his own damned letters?  The girls are confused.

Whitney looks like she is going to have an embolism.  Brad gives BianKKa the first rose and the tension mounts.  Brad picks up the second rose and calls Whitney.  She accepts the rose and Tyler comes back to apologise to Kara to save Brad the distasteful task of doing it himself.  Then just as Kara comes to give Brad her farewell hug, Whitney bursts in needing to talk to him.  Poor Kara is left like a shag on a rock.

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Kara pulls out of the hand shake at the last minute. That’s the second time Brad has fallen for that this week.

 

Whitney tells him that it doesn’t feel right, but doesn’t offer the rose back and Brad doesn’t try to take it back either making us wonder which part of his body is sending signals to his brain.

Whitney offers some fleeting apology and finally Brad gets to say farewell to Kara.  “We had such a good time and you’re perfect for me.  You’re just not psycho enough.”

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Brad feels the familiar sensation of bile rising in his throat as he realises he has just given Whitney a rose.

So now it’s off to meet Brad’s parents. And in the wash-up from all this?  All bodes well for BianKKa.  And Brad can’t help himself; he has a thing for icebergs.

 

 

 

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