“The Bachelor Canada” (Season 1: Episode 4): Days of Wine and Roses

Our episode begins with Brad wandering and wondering through a vineyard. He says that this is once in a lifetime opportunity, which is surprising because I didn’t think vineyards were that uncommon.  Heck, there’s even one in St George in south-western Queensland, although I suspect that’s not on Brad’s jet-setting itinerary. He says that his goal is to find the person he is going to be with for the rest of his life.  Maybe he needs to stop wasting time musing in the muscatels and get himself back to the Bachelor mansion, where the grapes are fulfilling their ultimate ambition – to keep the girls perpetually drunk.

Brad realises he is facing an uphill battle

Luckily, Tyler is back there bearing the bad news about all the things that Brad has been thinking.  Having unexpectedly eliminated four girls last week instead of two, Brad has decided that he will definitely shaft four girls this week, but there’s a better chance of that happening if he sends four girls home.  Cue jaws dropping to the ground.

Whitney and Kara try to demonstrate why they are worth keeping

Tyler explains that there will be a four-on-one date, and a two-on-one date and a one-on-one date, but it’s not clear that Brad will be on any of them. What is clear is that no-one wants to be on the two-on-one, because one of those girls will be sent home. Gabrielle ponders the perplexities of the possible date match-ups.  Having said that she would love to win a rose so she can smash it in Whitney’s face, she segues into a psych assessment that Whitney is crazy. Aaaah…yup.

The craziness abounds.  Chantelle opines that is it crazy that four girls are going home and four girls aren’t.  I have said it before and I will say it again:  Chantelle, this isn’t a secret formula, and if you didn’t manage to catch a single episode of the 1093 seasons of “The Bachelor” in any of the 765 countries in which versions are aired, you really need to buy yourself a tele.

Tyler does his usual “toss-the-date-card-on-the-table-then-get-the-hell-out-of-Dodge” routine and waits for the fur to fly.  BianKKa, the Kim Kardashian cast-off, reads the card.  “Be prepared for a date that’s worth a thousand words.” Instantly there is pandemonium, because the girls quickly figure that not one of them has a vocabulary that extensive. So Ana, Kara, Gabrielle and Brittany fall into their back-up giggle mode when their names are read out.

Brad announces that the four girls are going to shoot an eight page magazine shoot. Excitement ensues for three of them, but poor Brittany has done a quick assessment that she is the ugliest.  Luckily for her, there is plenty of Rimmel gear on hand.  She’s becoming concerned about the connection between her and Brad.  This could be because Brad appears be blowing raspberries into the boobies of everyone except her, even the boom mike guy.

Back at the mansion, Chantelle informs the rest of them that Laura B and BianKKa will be taking a walk in the city of love.  Doom! This mean that one of them will be going home!

Back at the photo shoot, Brad is perfecting the art of doing his best Blue Steel into the camera while simultaneously slapping Gabrielle on the arse.  No problems.  Gabrielle has a good feeling about this.  Must be the effect of sequins on butt cheek. More pouting by the fire place and before Kara before joins him for the photo.  Then Ana and Brad pose on a staged red carpet, with a Rimmel backdrop conveniently behind them.

Finally it’s Brittany’s turn.  The poor girl forgot to pack any sequins, and despite contorting herself into Brad’s lap on a chair built for one, the photography team stare grimly into their viewfinders.

“No interaction there. Time of death, 13:47 pm.”

Brad says Brittany seems really uncomfortable.  Perhaps that’s because she has your knee up her clacka.

Brittany reminisces about her little backwater town of Swift Current where they have two-seater sofas

Post-photo shoot, Brad invites the girls up to his suite for a par-tay, at the end of which he will give out one rose.  Brittany says that if she gets a rose she wants it to be because of who she is, not because of anything else. So she takes him upstairs and tells him all about her miserable childhood. Then Brad decides that Brittany’s story is so soul-destroying, that he can’t bring himself to hand out a rose to any of them.  Way to kill the mood of a party, Brad.

Back at the mansion Chantelle is hoping that she will get the one-on-one date with Brad because she has only had about fifteen minutes alone with him, and she spent most of that spilling her guts about her virginity.

Whitney, in the meantime has decided to take things into her own hands, donning her ugliest lycra and setting off on a sprint to where she figures Brad is staying. She is pretty canny, because she has not only figured out the hotel, but the floor and the room number and despite apparently sprinting all the way, arrives without red face or sweat patches.  This confirms my suspicions that Whitney is a fembot, and is being controlled by the bunny boiling Bubba (see episode 1).

coccon still
Brad, not expecting company, has not had time to put his face on

We know Brad has been caught off guard, because he is wearing a baseball cap backwards. Seeing Whitney reminds him of every tragic event that has ever happened in his life.  Brad starts crying, and Whitney stares back at him with her emotionless robot face that disguises her innermost thoughts: “I wore the tread off my new joggers for this?” Then she threatens him that she’d better get that one-on-one date.  I don’t know about Brad, but at this point I’m scared.

“Blah, blah, Whitney, blah, blah, blah….”

It’s all too much for Brad, who decides to leave the country in hopes that Whitney can’t run that far.  He is on his two-on-on date in Paris, and rather than taking Laura B to some quaint patisserie, he meets up with her in the torrential rain and the flared legs of her trousers end up all soggy. Clearly his “unplanned” date has an ulterior motive, because next minute Brad and Laura are in his hotel room and they are both dressed in bath robes. There are approximately vingt-huit “unplanned” croissant on the table, but music must be the food of love and as the background music reaches a crescendo, Brad and Laura have a pash.  Laura feels a connection with Brad; Brad feels that Laura is emotionally insecure.  Hmmmmm…because emotionally secure girls are always the ones who apply to find true love on a television program.

Speaking of emotionally insecure, it’s time to see who falls apart after the announcement of the last date card. Whitney’s threat has worked, and she gets the one-on-one date and poor little Chantelle is left to wonder why the Lord works in such mysterious ways.

The weather is slightly less miserable in Paris, so Brad dons an ill-fitting cardigan to meet up with BianKKa at Mont-Martre. Brad says he has nothing planned, so they wander around in the rain for a few hours without a street map and then he takes her to a café where they sit at an outdoor table. By this time, BianKKa is sniffling profusely.  Finally Brad says he’ll see her tonight and leaves her alone in some remote corner of the city, where as soon as he is out of sight she blows her nose on the tablecloth.

“Can you believe how easy it was to get a table?” whispers Brad
BianKKa barely has enough time to snort on her Vicks inhaler before she’s off to brave the elements again. This time both she and Laura B  have to meet up with Brad on  bridge.  With the romantic backdrop of the speeding Parisian traffic, Brad offers BianKKA a rose and Laura B gets to watch Brad and BianKKa kiss in a horse drawn carriage, before she flings herself off the bridge in despair, floating off to meet her briny demise in the North Atlantic. Well, the despair part is right in any case.

That job done, Brad is off to pick up Whitney.  Following the stalking incident, Brad has orchestrated a scenario where Whitney is dangling off a cliff-face.  One little accident, and she will plummet to her doom.  Instead, Whitney takes to rock climbing like a grizzly bear to salmon, and Brad throws up in his own mouth before offering her a pash half-way down the precipice.  Perhaps sensing that Brad may have been plotting her demise, Whitney jumps on Brad’s back and wraps her thighs around his torso like he is caught in a claw trap.

All of a sudden, Brad and Whitney are back at the vineyard of Brad’s earlier ponderings. Apparently there must be a rose bush somewhere as well, because out of nowhere the bloom appears, Whitney accepts it and the door is opened for another skanky tirade from Gabrielle when they get back to the house.

No time for that though, because back at the house, Chantelle appears to be having a crisis of faith and has been bawling since she found out that she was the dateless one. She is so distraught that the producers have had to resort to subtitles.  To make matters worse, she has received bad news from home and Chantelle makes the decision to leave the house.  There’s nothing to poke fun of here.  Losing a grandparent is just too sad.

Under sad circumstances, Chantelle leaves, with her dignity, and everything else, intact.

The grieving process is brief in the house, however, and quick as a flash the girls are dolling up for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Whitney barges in on Brad’s alone time with Gabrielle, and for the first time in this series, Brad’s brow is furrowed.  But he pashes the manipulating interloper Whitney anyway.  He senses it would be a mistake not to.

Finally it’s the rose ceremony and Brad looks like he’s mated with a black widow and knows he is about to be devoured.  He gives a rose to Kara and then picks up the final rose before….running off set to have a little vomit.

“Cover me, Tyler. I have a little sick in my mouth.”

For not the first time this series, Brad sends old mate Tyler back in to tell the girls that he needs a little more time. As it turns out, Brad needs to spend some time looking at the two-dimensional photographs of the remaining girls, because the one-dimensional dates didn’t help.  Gabrielle gets the final rose, sending Ana and Laura B packing, and Gabrielle plotting to drive a stake through Whitney’s heart – assuming of course, she had one.

So next week, Brad is off to meet the families. The trailer sees Whitney telling Brad that it will be something he’ll never forget. Brace yourself, Brad, and just hope it’s all over quickly…and if it’s not, there’s always wine.


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