I have hardly been able to contain myself all week in anticipation of the finale of The Buchelar NZ, but now Friday night has arrived and I am eager to indulge my (latest) guilty pleasure.
The episode begins with the obligatory recap of the 21 women who started this journey with Art. I can’t remember half of them, probably because by the time I discovered this little gem there were only about 12 of them left. But among those twelve were all the stereotypes one could hope for: the catty blonde, the dumb blonde, the yoga instructor blondish girl, the desperate cougar and a couple of brunettes who you just knew would never get a look in. And tonight it’s down to the final two – Danni of the enthusiastic lips and Mutil-duh of the brittle bones.
Art prepares for his final two dates by doing push-ups near a canal and doing some heavy breathing. Then it’s time for the girls to meet Art’s family. Mutil-duh is first and tells them that the highlight of her time with Art was when she threw herself off a bridge. Then Mum invites Mutil-duh into the other room to have a chat, and after spending about three minutes pulling her ridiculously inappropriate shorts out of her crack, Mutil-duh goes inside for the ritualistic grilling. Mum looks like she is tearing Mutli-duh into slices with her laser eyes. Multi-duh thinks it goes really well.
Then it’s date time. Art takes Mutli-duh to a wildlife hospital in case she falls over and needs any more bones fixed. Mutil-duh gets to hold a farting koala which ultimately shits in her belly-button. Mutil-duh is oozing feelings for Art at this stage.
A quick change of clothes and Art and Mutil-duh head of for a stroll down the beach and find a restaurant that will allow them to enter without footwear. Or at least they let them sit outside. Mutil-duh takes advantage of the romantic surroundings to bag Danni. Having cleansed her soul, she now decides she is love with Art, so they go for a pash on the beach and Mutil-duh’s listless broken arm hangs over Art’s shoulder with all the passion of a store front mannequin.
Next it’s Danni’s turn to meet the family. I think Art must have sent out a memo for both girls to “up the skank”, because if Mutil-duh’s shorts weren’t bad enough, Danni has put some sort of horrendous pink wash through her hair which oddly seems to be reflecting in the whites of her eyes. Mum likes it though. She thinks Danni is bubbly. Art’s sister asks if there is a conikshun and Danni proudly says that she has one of the longest conikshuns with Art and that means that she and Art are real conikted. Mum then talks to Danni and she thinks that Danni is honest because she hasn’t told Art how she really feels.
Meanwhile, Art tells his sister that he doesn’t know who he is conikted to more even though he conikted to Danni first. All these conikshuns are becoming quite the conundrum.
Then Art and Danni are off on their date. Danni wants Art to know how she really feels, so she places his hand on her inner thigh while he is driving a car in a FOREIGN LAND! AND THERE IS A ROUNDABOUT COMING! Danni squeals with delight as they go round the bout, so maybe there was a speed bump involved as well.
Art has learnt from the mistake of his last date with Mutil-duh. He takes Danni to Seaworld to swim with the dolphins, knowing that any marine mammalian excrement is not going to become lodged in any of Danni’s orifices. Danni spends most of the date holding fins with the dolphin, which makes Art eager to spend alone time with her to make sure she still feels the same way about him.
Off they go to a place where they have to wear shoes and they sit and talk about how heppy they are and which one is more heppy. Then Danni says she loves him and that she is the heppiest girl in the world. He doesn’t say he loves her back but their heppiness knows no bounds. They move to a day lounge by the pool and again they tell each other how heppy they are, and then they pash, which finally shuts them both up.
Art then goes off to choose the ring. He says he has just the man to help him and he opens the door to Michael Hill…Jeweller. Mr Hill has not been showing his face much on television these days, and just as well, because he has morphed into a cross between Ronnie Corbett and a hobbit, or as it turns out, Lord of the Rings.
Having chosen one of the five on offer, Art goes off to get dressed and appears momentarily in only a towel, much to this viewer’s delight.
Both the girls get dressed up in sparkly strapless gowns; Mutil-duh in a midnight blue to minimise her cast, and Danni in something very shiny to minimise her hair. Then they are ferried off separately by Duffy’s Boat Hire – limousines of the seas.
Danni is the first to appear out of the mangroves, clomping along unglamorously in the soft sand, her feather earrings flapping in the breeze. Art says all the right things, until he drops the big BUT and Danni says she wasn’t expecting that and you can tell that she’s thinking, “But I put out!”
She’s a bit confused and I thinks she is regretting the hair colour. Danni is still bubbly, like the bubbles emerging from a sludge-pot from hell as she stares at Art with contempt.
Art meanwhile looks like he is contemplating throwing himself into the canal and ending it all. But then he remembers that Mutil-duh will be plodding through the soft sand any second, and being a gentleman, he decides to be there to watch in case she falls over and hurts herself.
Art makes a beautiful speech and doesn’t even say conikshun once. He finally spits out that if she would have him he would like to be hers and she immediately elevates him to deity. “Oh my God! Oh my God!”
Art gives her the ring, which fits the middle finger of her right hand perfectly. The sun seems to have gone down very quickly, they share a kiss in silhouette and walk off hand in hand to disappear into the mangroves.
Next week there’s a reunion show! Yay!