The Buchelar NZ: He puts the SHIP in Relationship

OMG. A near catastrophe in our house tonight when the Foxtel Box gremlins failed to record the first eight minutes of “The Buchelar: NZ”. Hopefully all I missed was Art waxing lyrical about that time Danni wore a wedding dress in the catwalk challenge and came out looking like Amy Poehler’s audition tape for “The Corpse Bride”. I probably also missed all that gushing about being on the Gold Coast: harddanily that exotic, because the place is crawling with NZ ex-pats.

Anyway, my recording cut in just in time to see Art beginning his date with Danni. “Oh my God! He’s taking me on the buggest, flushest boat!” This must have be the relation-SHIP (Bahaha!) And then Danni explains that they sip a couple bears on the beck of the boat. After a meal of cheeky crab, Art takes her to a windy deck to find that the breeze has blown a heap of garden clippings 
into the hot tub. Neither Art nor Danni want to progress their physical relationship any further. She wants to spend the night but keep things exactly as they are. I guess that means they spent the night in the hot tub and discussed what it would be like to grow old and wrinkly together.

Fast-forward to the morning. Danni and the ship have vanished and Art has downsized the sea craft considerably for his date with Mutildah. She wonders whether he likes her as much as the others. Hope for her sake that he doesn’t park the gondola next to Danni’s rig. Soon Art and Mutildah are pashing. Or maybe they just turned their heads and their lips locked together in the close confines of the gondola.

Art takes her out to dinner and cuts her food for her. The poor girl must starve when Art’s not there, or survive on champagne and other things that can be consumed through a straw. Art must feel guilty about the gondola, because after dinner he takes her to the penthouse where he serves her up a tray of dessert which is already in convenient bite-sized pieces. Mutildah tells Art she doesn’t want to spend the night with him, but spends half the night spitting out the sentence telling him her decision. Oh, Mutil-duh! You may have just shut yourself in the fut.

Finally, it’s Alyssha’s turn. He takes her on a helicopter. “Again?” complains Alyssha. And having taken her to a sulphur pit on a volcano on their last date, this time he takes her to place called “The Lost World” and rather than priming Alyssha with alcohol, he pours a bottle of red wine into the hot tub. Maybe Alyssha has developed a drinking problem after 150 weeks in the Buchelar house. They lie on each other, contorted, like both of their backs have been broken. “This is so comfortable,” says Art. Spoken like Christian Grey.

After the bath, they go on a walk. The hem of Alyssha’s dress perfectly matches the pocket of Art’s t-shirt. They were made for each other…the outfits, if not the couple. Art brings out some food, and he soon notices that she is fixated with the cheese board. It dawns on Art, that coming from the deep south of the south island, Alyssha has never been exposed to quince paste, so it turns into a scene from modern day “Educating Rita”. If he really knew how to impress a girl, he would have whipped Maggie Beer out from somewhere to explain the whole quince pasting process. Art then tells Alyssha that he can fulfil her dream of spending the night on a viewing platform in the Gold Coast hinterland. Dream maker, heart breaker.

Next day, and Art is back talking to the odd looking host whose name I have never caught. He asks Art how it feels to have three girls left. Art says, “It makes it hard.” I’m sure it does, Art. I’m sure it does. Holy double-entendre, Bateman.

Off to the rose ceremony, and Mutil-duh is dressed in virginal white to symbolise that she didn’t spend the night with Art. And her cast has been resurfaced to match. The other girls are both wearing blue to symbolise that they did. Fashion faux pas. All that’s missing is a scarlet letter to set off their ensembles, but that would clash with the roses. Mutil-duh shows just how dopey she really is. “I don’t know where I’m standing tonight.” We all know. You are standing between two girls dressed in blue, and you stick out like dog’s balls.

More double-entendre ensues. “I know Art has feelings for all of us, and that’s what makes it hard.” Biological Reactions 1-0-1.

Alyssha reveals that the deep south of the south island is uncivilised in ways that extend far beyond ignorance about quince paste. “If I go home tonight, I’ll be gutted.” Cue Deliverance banjos.

Before Mutil-duh can vomit all over her white dress, Art gives her a rose. One blonde safe. Two blondes to go. Finally, Art gives his last rose to Danni, leaving Alyssha to her ex-husband and her gory fate. “I only want to you to be heppy. Just do what makes you heppy,” says Alyssha…twice. Nothing makes Art heppier than the prospect of a woman being disembowelled.

So next week it’s on to meeting Art’s parents. The end is all too nigh.

But… just when I thought my Friday nights were going to become boring, excitement ensues! “The Bachelor: Canada” is coming. Please, no pre-mature beaver jokes.

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