Upper Upper Bogan: UK Edition (AKA “Britain’s Flashiest: Bling it On”)

danni lambo

It’s Sunday afternoon in London.  Buckingham Palace, the British Museum, Westminster Abbey, the Tate Gallery, the London Eye and all the rest of the drawcards must all be closed for a spruce up, so the entire population is forced to line the streets to marvel in the magnificence that is…Danny Lambo. He describes himself as a playboy, a businessman, and a lover. That’s too many words for me.  I’d settle for just one…wanker. And I also have a sneaking suspicion that Lambo is not his real name.  And that about sums up this episode of “Britain’s Flashiest Families: Bling it On”.

Danny Lambo says he made his money in the hotel business, but when we first see him, he seems to have a bevvy of women with enormous jugs carrying enormous pink buckets, hanging both out the windows of luxury cars, hypnotising children to give him all their pocket money. He’s made so much money that he can afford five watches. He tells us how good looking he is, despite his unusually long forearms.

Because he is so phenomenally good looking, he gets mobbed by genuine beauty queens like Miss Monaco Gambling, Miss Superannuation Fund (who needs to invest in a bit more Hollywood tape) and Miss American Dream (from Shropshire, or the like).  Despite all this, poor Danny is missing a Mrs Lambo, but he has a portrait on his mansion wall of all that he wants in a first lady; a skinny little wench wearing a flesh coloured bikini, a floral wreath wrapped around her head and a Union Jack draped around her crotch.

The next contender for flashiest bogan in the UK, must be very rich, because she has made up first name and a hyphenated second one. Aisleyne (pronounced Ashlyn) Horgan-Wallace swans about in helicopters and thinks nothing of spending a thousand bucks on a hand bag for her Nan.  From the way Nan lumbers around, she would probably be more appreciative if her granddaughter sprung for her hip replacement, and a few elocution lessons wouldn’t have gone astray for AH-W herself. “Oh yea, Nan. That’s the one, innit.”aisleyn hw

The third lot of pretentious gits are Paul and his wife of two years, Rossi, a face cream entrepreneur.  Amazing stuff it must be because there’s not a line on her face and she admits to being one hundred and ninety-three years old.There’s something to like about Paul, however.  He admits to a past of drinking cider out of plastic cups. He’s pretty bright. He thinks his wife might be a shopaholic.  Was it the 764 pairs of shoes that gave it away, Paul? Zoom in on Rossi’s feet.  She’s wearing a pair of strappy sandals (which cost the same as a plane ticket to New York) with panty hose.  Money can buy many things, but clearly class isn’t one of them.

Finally, there’s Steve and Dawn.  In a modern take on “My Fair Lady”, they met in kebab shop, but have built up a restaurant dynasty in Norwich.  They live in Cyprus though, because it’s far enough away from the employees (“Innit?”) Dawn is obsessed with collecting things too, mostly watches (again?) and Asian servants.

Back to Danny so that we can watch him serenade his luxury car salesman with a perversion of a Rod Stewart classic. Having wooed him with song, Danny shows how money savvy he is by haggling down the price of his new Ferrari from one hundred and seventy-five thousand pounds to one hundred and seventy-four thousand, five hundred pounds. Then it’s off to the jewellers to place a down payment on a watch he can wear on the weekends.

Aisleyne Hogwarth-Palace talks about how badly she was affected by the GFC when she was forced to buy repossessed properties.  It must have cost her an arm and a leg to get the smell of the disposed people out (“An’ it took ages an’ all, dinnit?”)

Paul has taken Rossi away for her fifty-second birthday. “Luvit, luvit!”  Rossi gushes as they are shown into the Inner Sanctum suite.  But then she doesn’t love it anymore, because in the hideously expensive and gawdy room, there are no flowers, fruit or a bath.  Or even better, a bath full of fruit and flowers.

Aisleyne Hideous-Whatsit is off to her surgeon and reveals her rise to fame through reality television and topless magazine covers. She says that she has done all this without the help of any man.  One wonders who was buying all those magazines, then. Aisleyne says that she is still the same girl as she always was, except for the money, nose, forehead, cheeks, boobs, butt and stomach. She goes back to the homeless shelter she once lived in and is appalled to think that her shoes wouldn’t even fit in the cupboard in her old room. She then realises that she has enough money now to buy the building.  She could kick the homeless out and increase the footwear storage.  “I can’t believe ‘ow far I’ve come.  It’s amazin’, innit?”

ahw bb

Steve and Dawn have found some more Asians to exploit and these poor sods have to massage them while the king and queen of kebabs drink champagne. They later reveal their plans to buy half of Cyprus so they can build a leisure centre with lots of activities like shooting and they can employ lots more Asians. Dawn hates trees and wants to cut down all of them.  More illegal immigrant job opportunities there.

Danny Lambo isn’t shy about massage either, and he has Miss Student Loan Scheme 2015 rub diamond dust into his mug at six hundred pounds a pop.  Danny has a personal assistant, Kaitlyn, whose main job is described as “tagging along on Danny’s date”.   This turns out to be weirder than it sounds as Kaitlyn accompanies Danny on his outing with a girl that he met at some sort of body painting function.  Danny wears his best pair of Batman undies, and it is truly sad that the viewer knows this.  But you should always wear good undies because you never know what might happen on a date.  As it turns out it was the right decision for Danny, because he has a chance encounter with his hero, “The Hoff” (he of the drunken hamburger video…oh…and Baywatch). Danny has much in common with The Hoff.  A younger Danny apparently attempted a pop career and managed a modest hit in Germany.  It’s hardly singing on the Berlin Wall in a flashing leather jacket, but Danny claims this is why people flock to the hotels he owns. He hopes to resurrect his singing career and has a penned a new song about gold diggers and supermodels. Miss Bournemouth Waste Management Systems has come along to the studio to watch the recording session.  Rod Stewart, meanwhile, sighs in relief that this might mean the end of Danny performing anymore covers of “If You Think I’m Sexy”.

hoff berlin

Back to Aisleyne Holy-Moley, who heads off to the shops to indulge her passion in watches.  Watches you say?  Sounds like she needs to meet Danny Lambo.  Wonder if she has a flesh bikini and a symbol of nationhood tucked in her smalls?  But I digress. She takes a photo of one of the watches so her hundred thousand odd Instagram followers can wallow in the fact that she has money and they don’t.

Then Ms Houndface-Willies introduces us to her “dogs”.  No-one seems to have told her that they are actually Chihuahuas. They have eight thousand pounds per year spent on them.  Now they run around like they are bigger and better than real dogs.

Chihuahua may not belong to Ms H-W, but is indicative of the smug little bastards.
Chihuahua depicted may not belong to Ms H-W, but is indicative of the smug little bastards.

Back to Danny who says how much he loves to spoil his pussies.  While the viewers are still wondering why he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he introduces the them to his cat, Mini-me, who he dresses in jewellery that matches his.

But it is Danny who has the last word in this sorry expose into British new money.  “Can money buy you love?  www.russianbride.com.” he chuckles.

Clearly the whole lot of them have more money than sense. Another episode in the works? Bling it on.

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