The Bachelorette Australia (Season 4) – Episode 10:  Charlie Sees the Door

Wow. The trouble with writing a review is that you know how an episode ends, and I can honestly say that in the one million hours I have spent watching Bachelor/ettes Australian, American, Canadian and New Zealand, I have never seen anything like this.

And I watched Chad be a total f-wit on JoJo’s Bachelorette US season.

No wonder Ali feels she needs some stamina.  Our episode begins with her blitzing up some green slop in a Nutri Bullet before catching the Red-Eye to Perth.

At the end of the trip is Todd, who is greeting Ali in his “natural habitat”.  He wants us to believe that his natural habitat is in the middle of the bush, but he his rubbing his hands like Lady Macbeth and we just know that he forgot to pack his hand moisturiser.

Ali arrives, and Todd politely pretends to ignore that her white leggings are:

  1. Ridiculously inappropriate for a traipse into the bush
  2. Hideous

“Welcome to Les Moody Falls!” enthuses Todd like someone who has just confirmed his location by consulting Lonely Planet: Perth Waterfalls with foreward by Osher Gunsberg, because if Todd had ever frequented these falls as claimed, it is unlikely he would be wearing high-heeled white sandshoes.

Todd

It doesn’t really matter, because it’s all a pre-cursor to meeting Todd’s family: parents Geoff and Trish, and sisters Krissy and Kerryn.

Well.  Geoff and Trish are welcome Ali warmly enough, but Kerryn seems like she wouldn’t be happy if Todd had brought home Meghan Markel.

She has clearly forgotten what her role is in this thing and she soon has Todd out on the verandah, drilling her brother about his dreams about the police force and how old Ali is, and basically emasculating him on the spot.

Meanwhile, Ali is inside, feeling the love from Geoff and Trish and the un-named pudgy guy with the major case of rosacea.

That is not to say that Ali is going to get off scott-free, because with her brother’s testicles safely tucked into her bra, Kerryn is set to test Ali’s sincerity.

sisters

“Todd’s a gentleman.  He’s so  precious and kind,” offers Ali.

And a little tear appears in Kerryn’s eye because yes Todd is a precious gentleman and we have been waiting for him to find a woman who appreciates him for his gentlemanly preciousness so welcome to the family Ali.

Next Ali is off to Ballarat to spend time with Taite.

Ballarat:  Australia’s third largest inland city, major centre of the Australian goldfields, site of the Eureka stockade, so much to see and do…

“Let’s feed the ducks,” suggests Taite.

And they spend three hours clogging up the digestive tracts of every duck in the Ballarat locale by feeding them white bread.

But it’s not about winning over the ducks, or eating pizza in a shop that looks like it’s auditioning for a one-on-one gig next season.  It’s about meeting Taite’s parents Kerri and Shane, and convincing his sister Skye – a lawyer.

I am distracted when they arrive at the family home, because Taite even appears to have a six-pack when he is wearing a jumper!

It’s not long before Sky is interrogating Ali about her propensity for dating programs.

“It’s such a sterile and artificial situation,” claims Sky, yet I am not unconvinced that she isn’t now talking about her own love-life, rather than Ali’s, with the resentment of someone who agrees to have their mug on tellie to talk about their amazingly attractive sibling, knowing that they will never follow in their footsteps.

taite's sis

Sky gives Taite his blessing and soon they are out on the driveway.  Neither of them want the other to leave, but Taite can’t give himself over while there are three other men.

taite

Taite is worried about how Ali feels.  For a brief moment, we too, worry about Taite’s chances.

But then Bill and Charlie still have dates to come.

It’s to Melbourne first to meet Bill who is taking her to a dog park.

“It’s about time I got to see some dog action,” squeals Ali, and I am immediately reminded of a “news story” from earlier in the week where a man’s testicles were ripped off and eaten by his pet bulldog.

arnie

Of course, that’s not what she meant or else she, like the bulldog’s owner, would have smeared her genitals in peanut paste.

Bill is reunited with his french bulldog, Arnie, and Arnie is so excited to see Bill and even excited to meet Ali until Bill ties Arnie to a park bench and then – WTITHIN FULL SIGHT OF ARNIE – plonks himself on a picnic blanket with Ali and eats cheese.

Peanut paste or not, Arnie is plotting a testicular mauling.

Over on the picnic blanket, Bill is explaining why there will not actually be any family members at his home town date:

“Mum and Dad are overseas,” he explains.

Fair enough.

“My brother is caught up with work…”

OK.

“My sister’s caught up too.”

Yeah, right.

I am beginning to believe that my theory about Bill is correct.  He has no parents.  He really is made of plastic and was formed in a life-sized plastic mould…a giant, living Ken doll.

Ali smells a rat…

“You’re meeting my flat-mate, my best mate, and a girl I met at the dog park.  And we’re not going to my parents’ place for dinner…”

This is where they are going, and I am phrasing it in such way, that I won’t have to place a possessive apostrophe.

“We are meeting Amy, whom I met in a dog park, who is cooking us dinner- in the house of HER father.”

Bill manages to conveniently forget to mention that he and Amy bumped uglies a few times and this really all very weird. It’s up to Amy to break that news while she quizzes Ali over her past relationships.

amy

It’s all a bit like Amy is treating it as an audition tape for her own run at Instagram fame. Awkward.  But Bill is oblivious to any unease, as he sits in the back yard with his mates talking about how well the date is going.

Bill is an idiot.

But, Charlie is a total, freaking psychopath.

The final date starts well enough, I suppose, although is it just me wondering why Coogee is totally devoid of people?

They head off to an empty Gordon’s Bay for some stand-up paddle-boarding and that’s all stock standard date stuff.

But then it all goes pear-shaped.

“Who will I be meeting tonight?” asks Ali.

“No-one,” says Charlie.  “I’ve decided I’m not going to introduce you to anyone because we aren’t exclusive.”

Oh-oh.  This is definitely not how this works.  Charlie has thrown the rule book out the window and where the heck is Osher when you need him?

Another place where Osher isn’t is the mansion.

To her credit, Ali managed to restrain herself from pushing Charlie off a Coogee cliff and he is back at the mansion for the cocktail party along with the other three.

Ali is still confused about who to send home because both Charlie and Bill blew the home town dates and there’s only one Uber parked in the driveway.

She decides she need to talk to Charlie.

The silicon chip inside his head has fully exploded now, and he unleashes on a full-on, illogical rant about how he’s not going to talk to her about his feelings because they’re not exclusive and there’s three other guys and how Bill is fake and he might as well be showing himself the door.

And that is the last straw.

“You want to leave?  Good. Go.  Good luck. Know that I’ll be thinking of you.”

And with that Ali turns her back on him and walks away, dignity intact.  Well at least with as much dignity as she can have after spending the past five weeks pashing anything with a pulse in front of an average viewing audience of half a million people.

You go, girl.

And good riddance, Charlie. Don’t slam the door on the way out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. The trouble with writing a review is that you know how an episode ends, and I can honestly say that in the one million hours I have spent watching Bachelor/ettes Australian, American, Canadian and New Zealand, I have never seen anything like this.

And I watched Chad be a total f-wit on JoJo’s Bachelorette season in the US.

No wonder Ali feels she need some stamina.  Our episode begins with her blitzing up some green slop in a Nutri Bullet before catching the Red-Eye to Perth.

At the end of the trip is Todd, who is greeting Ali in his “natural habitat”.  He wants us to believe that his natural habitat is in the middle of the bush, but he his rubbing his hands like Lady Macbeth and we just know that he forgot to pack his hand moisturiser.

Ali arrives, and Todd politely pretends to ignore that here white leggings are:

  1. Ridiculously inappropriate for a traipse into the bush
  2. Hideous

“Welcome to Les Moody Falls!” enthuses Todd like someone who has just confirmed his location by consulting Lonely Planet: Perth Waterfalls with foreward by Osher Gunsberg, because if Todd had ever frequented these falls as claimed, it is unlikely he would be wearing high-heeled white sandshoes.

It doesn’t really matter, because it’s all a pre-cursor to meeting Todd’s family: parents Geoff and Trish, and sisters Krissy and Kerryn.

Well.  Geoff and Trish are welcome Ali warmly enough, but Kerryn seems like she wouldn’t be happy if Todd has brought home Meghan Markel.

She has clearly forgotten what her role is in this thing and she soon has Todd out on the verandah drilling her brother about his dreams about the police force and how old Ali is, and basically emasculating him on the spot.

Meanwhile, Ali is inside, feeling the love from Geoff and Trish and the un-named pudgy guy with the major case of rosacea.

That is not to say that Ali is going to get off scott-free, because with her brother’s testicles safely tucked into her bra, Kerryn isset to test A;I’s sincerity.

“Todd’s a gentleman.  He’s so  precious and kind,” offers Ali.

And a little tear appears in Kerryn’s eye because yes Todd is a precious gentleman and we have been waiting for him to find a woman who appreciates him for his gentlemanly preciousness so welcome to the family Ali.

Next Ali is off to Ballarat to spend time with Taite.

Ballarat:  Australia’s third largest inland city, major centre of the Australian goldfields, site of the Eureka stockade…

“Let’s feed the ducks,” suggest Taite.

And they spend three hours clogging up the digestive tracts of every duck in the Ballarat locale by feeding them white bread.

But it’s not about winning over the ducks, or eating pizza in a shop that looks like it’s auditioning for a one-on-one gig next season.  It’s about meeting Taite’s parents Kerri and Shane, and convincing his sister Skye – a lawyer.

I am distracted when they arrive at the family home, because Taite even appears to have a six-pack when he is wearing a jumper!

It’s not long before Sky is interrogating Ali about her propensity for dating programs.

“It’s such a sterile and artificial situation,” claims Sky, yet I am not unconvinced that she isn’t now talking about her own love-life, rather than Ali’s, with the resentment of someone who agrees to have their mug on tellie to talk about their amazingly attractive sibling, knowing that they will never follow in their footsteps.

Sky gives Taite his blessing and soon they are out on the driveway.  Neither of them want the other to leave, but Taite can’t give himself over while there are three other men.

Taite is worried about how Ali feels.  For a brief moment, we too, worry about Taite.

But then Bill and Charlie still have dates to come.

It’s to Melbourne first to meet Bill who is taking her to a dog park.

“It’s about time I got to see some dog action,” squeals Ali, and I am immediately reminded of a “news story” from earlier in the week where a man’s testicles were ripped off and eaten by his pet bulldog.

Of course, that’s not what she meant or else she, like the bulldog’s owner, would have smeared her genitals in peanut paste.

Bill is reunited with his staffy Arnie, and Arnie is so excited to see Bill and even excited to meet Ali until. Then Bill ties Arnie to a park bench and then -WTITHIN FULL SIGHT OF ARNIE – plonks himself on a picnic blanket with Ali and eats cheese.

Peanut paste or not, Arnie is plotting a testicular mauling.

Over on the picnic blanket, Bill is explaining why there will not actually be any family members at his home town date:

“Mum and Dad are overseas,” he explains.

Fair enough. The Pacific Dawn follows a pretty strict schedule.

“My brother is caught up with work…”

OK.

“My sister’s caught up too.”

Yeah, right.

I am beginning to believe that my theory about Bill is correct.  He has no parents.  He really is made of plastic and was formed in a life-sized plastic mould…a giant, living Ken doll.

Ali smells a rat…

“You’re meeting my flat-mate, my best mate, and a girl I met at the dog park.  And we’re not going to my parents’ place for dinner…”

This is where they are going, and I am phrasing it in such way, that I won’t have to place a possessive apostrophe.

“We are meeting Amy, whom I met in a dog park, who is cooking us dinner- in the house of HER father.”

Bill manages to conveniently forget to mention that he and Amy bumped uglies a few times ad this really all very weird. It’s up to Amy to break that news while she quizzes Ali over her past relationships.  It’s all a bit like Amy is treating it as an audition tape for her own run at Instagram fame. Awkward.  But Bill is oblivious to any unease, as he sits in the back yard with his mates talking about how well the date is going.

Bill is an idiot.

But, Charlie is a total, freaking psychopath.

The final date starts well enough, I suppose, although is it just me wondering why Coogee is totally devoid of people?

They head off to an empty Gordon’s Bay for some stand-up paddle-boarding and that’s all stock standard date stuff.

But then it all goes pear-shaped.

“Who will I be meeting tonight?” asks Ali.

“No-one,” says Charlie.  “I’ve decided I’m not going to introduce you to anyone because we aren’t exclusive.”

Oh-oh.  This is definitely not how this works.  Charlie has thrown the rule book out the window and where the heck is Osher when you need him?

Another place where Osher isn’t is the mansion.

To her credit, Ali managed to restrain herself from pushing Charlie off a Coogee cliff and he is back at the mansion for the cocktail party along with the other three.

Ali is still confused about who to send home because both Charlie and Bill blew the home town dates and there’s only one Uber parked in the driveway.

She decides she need to talk to Charlie.

The silicon chip inside his head has fully exploded now, and he unleashes goes on a full-on, illogical rant about how he’s not going to talk to her about his feelings because they’re not exclusive and there’s three other guys and how Bill is fake and he might as well be showing himself the door.

charlie

And that is the last straw.

“You want to leave?  Good. Go.  Good luck. Know that I’ll be thinking of you.”

And with that Ali turns her back on him and walks away, dignity intact.  Well at least as much dignity as she can have after spending the past five weeks pashing anything with a pulse in front of an average viewing audience of half a million people.

You go, girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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