I have to admit that I was very confused at the start of this episode. It was focussing on a girl named Romy and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how she got into the mansion. I checked and re-checked my notes from the previous episode, and I couldn’t find a Romy.
Then I realised I couldn’t see Robbie anywhere. The girl with the huge boobs that didn’t fit into her dress properly and who really could have done with some sort of structural undergarment. This morning, clearly finding a bra her mother packed for her in the bottom of her suitcase, she is barely recognisable.
What is clear is that sometime in the hours between cameras off and cameras on, she who I once knew as Robbie has metamorphosed into Romy, and together with Alisha and Cat has formed a coven of mean girls who will undoubtedly now get way too much screen time.
Sigh. The Bachelor may be unique, but the producers are EXACTLY THE SAME.
Anyway, Osher soon arrives with a date card, but clearly nervous with the 22 to 1 ratio, doesn’t stick around for long, lest his manly parts be torn off and served up for breakfast.
It’s a single date and Shannon is the lucky girl. She is soon off to some nearby rugby field where she is greeted by Nick who is wearing an odd ensemble of business shirt and board shorts. The honey badger is like a human mullet – business on the top and party on the bottom. He offers Shannon a choice of sitting around listening to rugby stories or the “mystery option B”. Well, Shannon isn’t Bruce McAveny, so if option B had meant selling the souls of any future men-children she should bear to the devil, she would be taking it.
Somehow she is surprised that Option B involves a helicopter. A close study of the genre reveals that there is a 97.6538% chance of getting air-borne in episode 2.
The helicopter circles the bachelorette compound thirty-two times before heading off to some place called” The Basin”. Unfortunately, all that extra air time means that the chopper doesn’t have enough fuel to land, so Nick has to ditch his business shirt and Shannon has to leave her feathered thongs as they are winched from the helicopter into the middle of a small lake. Shannon is still wearing a dress, mind-you, and I don’t believe Nick checked the tag for laundry instructions, so I’m not sure I’d be too thrilled by this.
Shannon puts on a brave face however and wades to shore where Nick has set up the usual day bed and cushions, but has added a barbie. He’s pretty pleased with himself too.
“Preparation prevents piss-poor performance,” he rattles off on his fingers.
Ironic, because his preferred princess finds pisceans putrid. So it doesn’t matter how well he cooks his salmon, Shannon’s gag reflex is going to get the best of her. Normally this would not be a problem. In hundreds of series of The Bachelor, thousands of meals have been cooked and served without a single morsel being tasted, but Nick Cummins is no ordinary bachelor.
He is empathetic to Shannon’s predicament because he was nearly tin-fruited in the back room of a Woolies when he mistook an unlabelled tin of Maxwell House for Milo. And for my overseas readers…I’m going to be a bitch and leave you to figure that out for yourselves.
After waiting a sensible thirty minutes after a meal, Nick invites Shannon for a dip, and low and behold she was wearing her togs under her frock all along. It just seems he could have asked her that back in the helicopter or something.
Back on the beach they cuddle under a blanket and Nick produces his enormous Thermos. He removes the cap and the sneaky bugger has secreted a rose in there, which he offers to Shannon and she accepts. She thinks about kissing him, but then locks eyes on the lip tickler and decides it’s not worth breaking her moral code.
The next day there is a group date. Brooke, Aleksandra (I know. Why not go full bogan and add an apostrophe in there? Al’kzandrah), Sophie, Cass, Cayla T, Vanessa Sunshine, Cat, Romy and Alisha are all off on this one.
With this many women on a group date it can only mean one thing – photo shoot. This one is all about Nick’s favourite things, which apparently are, in no particular order:
- Slutty groupies
- Downward dogging with strangers
- Disregarding the WHS manual for firefighters
- School girls.
I’m about to get preachy for a minute. It’s about time reality programs stopped perpetuating this idea that is acceptable for grown men to lust after anything in a school uniform. I am sick and tired of having to do ridiculous Code of Conduct (ironically, COC) training because one idiot somewhere thinks that reality TV is a training video. And if you really want convincing, give this podcast a go: https://www.theaustralian.com.au/the-teachers-pet
Anyway, the whole thing is as excruciating as you can imagine: Cass clings to Nick like he actually was some 1980s rock god, Romy claims to be classy before plonking one leg atop an enormous speaker and tonguing the neck of her guitar, Vanessa Sunshine glowers while Nick “rescues” Brook, and Cayla gets to wear a dowdy dress (like ALL teachers do) while Nick draws Texta love hearts on Cat’s thigh.
Even the single photo shoot between Nick and Sophie is awkward, mostly because he refers to a yoga move as an “upward serpent”, and the whole cast of Mean Girls is looking on in anticipation of Sophie’s failure. Alisha is tonguing the top of a stubby of beer like she would be just as happy to marry it as she would Nick. And Sophie just looks like she could do with a cocktail.
Not so fast.
Nick has decided (and I must say, very early in the season) that he would like to surprise one of the girls with a date. He rocks up to the house and invites Romy for lunch.
It turns out that Nick has an uncle who owns a pizza restaurant in Manly where the kitchen hygiene rules are pretty loose and you can throw flour and pasta sauce at one another with gay abandon.
Suitably dusted off, they retire to a back room somewhere and Nick makes a huge mistake. He offers Romy a rose, which she immediately accepts, then she latches on to his neck like a rabid moray eel.
Nick looks as impressed as Matt Preston at a Weight Watchers weigh-in. He’s got twenty-one other birds back in the pen and this chick is too full-on. If ever a bachelor regretted giving a rose, Nick’s face says it all.
Worse than this, he now has to walk into the cocktail party with Romy on his arm, she in another dress with no scaffolding and her boobs all over the place.
Nick still has his rugby physical strength and manages to prise Romy’s fingers from around his wrist and bids a hasty retreat to the courtyard with some girl who won’t win.
Romy holds court with her minions – and the nice girls – and tells them all about her really romantic, non-tacky, unforced, amazing kiss. While we viewers know that the kiss had all the emotion of a teenage boy left alone with a Dyson Wet and Dry vac, poor Shannon flees to the nearest toilet lamenting the kiss she never took…
…because she has some standards. Not enough to stop her applying for The Bachelor, but standards, just the same.
Finally, Osher arrives. Nick has eighteen roses, but there are twenty girls left. All eyes are on Cayla T, not so much because she had to wear the dowdy dress in the photo shoot, but because she has worn a frigging crown to the cocktail party.
As Nick dispatches the roses, there are no real surprises: the nasty girls all get one as they always do this early, Sophie gets the second last rose because there was awkwardness on their date.
Three girls left, two roses. Cayla T is sure she is going home. Romy is smirking like…a mean girl with boobs that don’t fit dresses that smirk a lot.
“Cayla T. Will you accept this rose?”
Of course she fucking will. Her energy is healed almost instantaneously.
Julianna and Renee are left both dateless and roseless. There are polite kisses on the cheek, because I am not convinced that Nick can even remember their names. Romy is not happy.
It’s amazing that once you learn Shakespeare, you see Shakespeare everywhere. Tonight I saw a good man. Tonight I saw three witches emerge. I reckon I also saw a Lady Macbeth in the form of a succubus.
What I want to see is the Honey Badger find love. Rise above it, Badger. Rise above it.