Bachelor in Paradise Austraia (Season 1) – Episode 4: It’s a cock fight

I feel like I’m in paradise myself.

Well, I’m in a caravan park backing on to the M1 and there is a green neon Joker’s face leering over the top of us, but there are palms and a tank full or tropical fish in the entrance to the dunnies. I’m just a bartender name Wise short of actually being there.

At the end of last night’s episode we were left wondering how much blood would be spilled on Florence’s black and white one piece when she found out that Jake pashed Megan and she throttled him.  She’s mad enough without even knowing about the kiss; yet in her rage she becomes strangely lyrical:

What’s he doing with Mee-gan?

Isn’t she a less-bee-an?

Anyway, if Jake is aware his potential demise, he acts as though he is oblivious.  He even attempts to explain himself to Florence.  It wasn’t that he was snubbing, Florence, it’s just that he didn’t HAVE TIME to talk to her.  What between drinking cocktails, sniffing around Tara, leering over Ali and going on a date with Megan, just what does Florence expect? Besides, Megan is just his friend.

Perversely this is good enough for Florence.  She completely understands and she trusts Jake again. Sheesh.

Meanwhile, you might remember that Jarrod has a date card…and a dilemma.  Essentially, he has a connection with Kiera, but when the hell is he likely to ever have the opportunity to ask a girl with boobs like Ali’s out on a date without the fear of rejection?

While he ponders this, Nina chats to Florence.  She’s just come from breakfast where she was served a great big bowl of dirt on Jake.

“You know Jake pashed Megan on the date.” I thought it was on the mouth, but you know how they edit these things.

Hell hath no fury like a Florence scorned.  The seas swell, the wind blows and the birds evict the island.  How could Florence be so stupid?  One thing is for sure – now everyone has to put up with her whinging all day.

Jarrod’s date card is also casting a shroud over the rest of the resort.  Mack looks like someone has thrown a cricket ball through a freshly cleaned window, Leah is trying to connect with him, but all he cares about is connecting with Ali.  And now that Tara has friend-zoned Michael, he’s decided he’s in love with Ali too,  But Jarrod has the date.

It’s an intimate date too – just Jarrod and Ali and seventy-five traditional dancers.  Not only is Jarrod mathematically and geographically challenged, he doesn’t have rhythm going for him either, unless his dating strategy is pity, because he has that in spades.

Capture

Back at the resort, Leah tries a new strategy with Mack and tells him that she wants to test the waters with some of the other guys. Mack is confused, even though he has just spent the past twenty-four hours pining after Ali.  And this is why Mack runs a window cleaning business and not a dating agency.

Meanwhile, Florence is still seething about Jake.

A wise man once said, “Girl, you’re stronger than that.

Literally, Wise just said that. “Here.  Have another mojito.”

Elsewhere, Jarrod finally gets some alone time with Aii.

“When you entered yesterday, there was no entrance.  You were the entrance.”

Ummmm. Add poetry to the list of Jarrod’s short-comings.

“When you were young, did you have braces?” asks Ali.

And yes, these are the highlights of Jarrod’s date with Ali.  At least we know that Ali’s into teeth, so Michael should be a shoo-in.

It’s more exciting back at the resort, where Florence has discovered that Jake has told everybody (Megan) that their pash under the waterfall was just between friends.  She hunts him down and throws her drink in his face.  On a deeper level, Florence was attempting a waterfall, metaphor?

Nah, she’s just PISSED OFF.

Apart from that, everybody’s happy.  Except Leah whose pissed at Mack, Mack who’s jealous of Jarrod, Michael who’s been friend-zoned by Tara, Kiera who’s anxious about Jarrod…

Yep.  It’s a fun place to be.  What everybody needs is something to calm them down.  Cue Osher, who walks in to tell them all that the rose ceremony is imminent.

Florence realises that time is of the essence if she is going to get a rose.  Why she wants one is anybody’s guess.  She’s ambivalent at best about Jake, and she hasn’t shown one iota of interest in anyone else.  Still, she pulls out all stops.  She dresses in a outfit that matches Jake’s and they have a chat on the swing.  It’s all pretty awkward.  Florence has a drink in her hand and Jake looks about as comfortable as the Wicked Witch of the West confronted by a Kansan farm girl with a bucket.

Everyone’s attention is diverted when Ali makes a belated entrance, a vision in emerald.  If she was trying to remain inconspicuous among the palm fronds and tree frogs, then she has dismally failed.

Ali

Only Eden, secure in his relationship with Nina, doesn’t seem interested, but he is still a keen observer:

“We’re about to see a cock fight,” he says to camera. “Am I allowed to say cock fight?  Oh I’m not allowed to say cock fight?  Then I won’t say cock fight anymore.”

One-by-one the desperate guys chat to Ali.

Michael’s teeth aren’t enough.  She tells him she wants to keep herself open.  She is, after all, the entrance.

Then she tells Mack that she wants to get to know him better.  Mack is chuxed chuffed.

Leah is morose. She can’t see how she is going to get a rose now.

Jarrod, of course, is super upbeat.  He’s in love with Ali and in his mind he’s married her and has three kids running around the vineyard, but Jarrod is still a gentleman and he has to do the right thing.

He tells Keira that he’s giving the rose to Ali because she’s hot and he feels a connection.  Keira bursts into tears and runs off to the dunnies.

Kiera

How’s the right thing, turning out for ya, Jarrod?

In any case, as if Osher would make Jarrod’s path to true love an easy one. Jarrod has completely forgotten that in order for Ali to get his rose, he has to be the first one to offer it to her.

So Osher, the tricky bastard, calls Mack.

Mack promptly offers his rose to Ali and she accepts.

Jarrod is crest-fallen.  Not only has the entrance to true love slammed in his face, but now he has to offer up a rose to Kiera.  Had he not ‘done the right thing’ he could have at least pretended that he intended to give it to her all along, but now she just feels like a big plate of sloppy seconds.

Eden gives his rose to Nina, Luke gives his to Lisa. Yawn.

Blake gives his to Lanora.

Lanora? Lanora?  When the hell did she arrive?

Oh, dear.  Blake has just called Laurina by the wrong name.  Despite smearing mud all over her body and not talking to anyone else for two day, Blake hasn’t even bothered to learn her name.  Turns out he’s the same shallow fucker he always was.  Laurina is too much of a lady to react then and there, but that vein in her forehead is throbbing and she is castrating him with her eyes.

Sam gives his rose to Tara, leaving only Michael, Jake and an enormous dilemma.

Jake knows that he doesn’t want to give his rose to Florence. But if he doesn’t then it will confirm his status as an arse-hole.  There is only one thing for it – convince Michael to pick Florence.

“Michael, to whom do you give your rose?” asks Osher.

“Pick Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuweeennnnce,” growls Jake through gritted teeth.  Because real mates would pick an angry she-devil just so his mate can keep his testicles.

“Leah,” says Michael.

Beads of sweat appear on Jake’s forehead. He may have even peed himself a little.  He shuffles from foot to foot nervously.  The music rises to a crescendo. He clenches his eyes shut in anticipation of a tsunami of mojito to the face…

“Megan…” he whispers.

And just like that, Florence is gone. As she leaves the resort for the last time, I think I see Osher slip something into her hand…

…Davey’s phone number.

Stay tuned folks, for the next episode…The Adventures of Blake and Larona.

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