The Bachelorette Australia (Season 3) – Episode 3: Mush Ado about Nothing

It was an episode that promised so much and delivered so little.

I actually feel a little bit ashamed that one of the majors in my Arts degree was in Film and Television, and yet this week I found myself sucked in by the ads for this week’s group date, only to be deceived by the canny editing.  There is no further proof required that reality television is turning my brain to mush.

Mush. Mush. Mush.

The episode starts exactly as it ended, with Sam going on about the Double Delight Rose.

Crikey.  Even Osher has had enough of it and doesn’t bother to turn up to deliver the single-date card himself – yet he did turn up last week for Jourdan’s moon boot story (or lack thereof).

Instead, Harry is given the dubious responsibility of announcing that Sam, once again, has been overlooked for a single date, and Luke has been given the honour.

Sophie justifies this choice by pointing out Luke’s resemblance to George Clooney.  I don’t see it, but I do think Luke is the doppelganger of Stuart Carseldine, last year’s Australian Survivor runner-up.

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Separated at birth?
Stuart was at one time being touted as Australia’s next Bachelor, until he found love with fellow Survivor contestant, Elle.  So, Sophie, I guess this means that if this lot turn out to be a mob of duds, there is another reality TV back-up plan…

Anyway, I digress. Sophie meets Luke on a Sydney beach where the weather is again (like Matty J’s entire Bachelor season) dodgy: overcast and no waves to speak of.  Sophie has set up a couple of cushions and a few sand castles.  The idea is to jump on the sand castles to reveal a question.  From these in depth questions we learn that Luke lost his virginity at age 17 to an…”older woman”, and that Sophie’s worst habit is her potty mouth.

At Sophie’s request, Luke then gives her a surfing lesson – on the sand – before Sophie announces that they will be going Sumo Surfing.  Before you get too excited about this adrenaline filled new sporting phenomenon, be aware that it has little resemblance to either surfing or sumo.  It’s an inflatable arrow head with arm holes which only serves to fill up with water and propel the wearer nose-first into the sand.

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I am not expecting the developers of this business on Shark Net anytime soon.

Sophie says that the whole thing reminds her of an inflatable condom, but that could be because the whole date she’s been swallowing something salty.

Afterwards they retire to the ubiquitous day lounge for some cheese and some cheesy conversation, which is not only dull, but awkward as well.

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Luke seems to be gunning to be the next Bachelor, leading Sophie in conversation:

Luke: Do you feel something here?

Sophie: I thought I was supposed to ask that.

They both sit there looking at each other before Luke asks to kiss her; she agrees.

Then Luke spies a box on the table and asks Sophie what it is.  Of course, it contains the rose, and she gives it to him, coz she’s cornered, and unlike Warren Beattie at the Oscars, or Sarah Murdoch on Australia’s Next Top Model, there’s no-one in her ear to tell her she has made a big mistake.

Meanwhile, Osher has also failed to appear to announce the group date, but the next day there is one anyway.

Sophie has picked eight boys to head off in two chauffeur driven cars, but the canny twist is that the chauffeurs are actually her parents.  Undercover, they are meant to uncover the dirt on the guys.

Despite the juicy enticements of the trailers, the only thing that we learn from this is that Sam should not be allowed to sit anywhere where he can catch his reflection in the rear-view mirror. He pouts so much he looks like he’s posing for one of those fountains where the water spurts from the mouth of a cod.

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On the group date, Sophie and her eight boys undertake a session of “Scribble Art” which I’m pretty sure is not a real thing until Osher announces that Scribble Art is a real thing.

Sophie’s sister Lucy is undertaking the role of “Scribble Art Analyst”, which I am 100 percent sure is not a real thing, but she is pretty convincing, given her glasses, macramé vest and cheesecloth tiered skirt.

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So they all sit down and draw trees.  Mac reveals that he’s colour-blind. Someone steals all the coloured pencils from Sam, just like he has had both single dates stolen from him so far.  Jarred reveals that he is becoming a clingy, wannabe serial killer, copying Sophie’s drawing exactly.

Yet it is Ryan, in Lucy’s pseudo-analysis, who reveals his sensitive side in a drawing where Lucy is able to compare his relationships with all the women in his life as starting out rosy and happy and then ending really badly.

This is just like his mother. She started off all kind and maternal, and then she died.  And left Ryan.  Bitch.

On this basis, Sophie takes him for some one-on-one time.   She wants to see his softer, sensitive side.

“What are you looking for in a woman?” she asks.

“Someone who looks after herself. No hairy fuglies.”

“And what’s your deal breaker?”

“A foul mouth.”

(Aside) “F*ck.”

So much for his soft and sensitive side.

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It’s back to the mansion for cocktails, although it’s more like COCK TALES.  Jarred is telling everyone how when he is in love, or even thinks he is love, or is even in the same room as a woman, and occasionally if he is in the alpaca pen, he is like a bull at a gate.

Sophie appears and Jarred is there.

“I always seem to meet you at the stairs,” says Jarred, and I’m pretty sure that’s what Robert John Bardo said to Rebecca Schaeffer just before he fatally shot her. Google it.

Then Luke seems to break the whole single-date-cocktail-conversation rule, but nobody cares because Luke isn’t Jarred or Sam or Blake or Ryan.

Then Sam gets to talk to Sophie and ask about the whole Double Desire rose thing and she says that she though he was nice on the first night until he did the whole “I can see your cans” thing on the History date which made her think he was a tool.

He promises her on the life of his three nephews that he isn’t a tool, and by my calculations he has one nephew worth of lives left.

Then Jarred and Sam have a chat about the tension between them.

Sam: Double Delight

Jarred: Bull at a Gate.

Sam: Maaaaaaaate

Jarred: Maaaaaaaate

Finally, Osher appears, and thank goodness he does because the rose-maths is particularly difficult tonight.  There are fifteen blokes left, and Luke has a rose; there are fourteen other blokes, but only eleven roses.

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OMG!  Three of them are going home!

There aren’t too many surprises here either.  All of the ones who have featured in the in the past three episodes are safe, Sam gets a rose ahead of Jarred to create the tension, and three are sent packing: Jefferson, Eden (track suit guy) and Pete.  I guess the only surprise here is Pete, who seemed to have a bit of a spark in this ep, is sent home ahead of polo player Bingham, who has said nothing for three episodes, and like the horses he rides, always has a long face.

Sophie gives each of them a good-bye with as much emotion as the Queen  departing a visit to a leper hospice.

I am very excited, because if she keeps getting rid of blokes at this rate, the whole thing will be over soon and maybe my brain cells will start to grow back.

And then we are privy to the trailer for the next episode.

INTRUDERS.

My brain is like it is leading a team of huskies: Mush. Mush. Mush.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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