Remember that girl that Richie dumped at the final hurdle in Season 4? The one that everybody hoped was going to be the next Bachelorette? The one that Richie didn’t turn into a lesbian?
Well it turns out that Matty’s sister looks just like her.
You can’t convince this little black duck that it is pure coincidence that the most reputable publications in Australia (New Idea et al) have just this week reported on Alex Nation’s budding romance with her WAFL colleague AND suggested a re-blossoming of the nipped-in-the-rosebud romance with Australia’s darling, Nikki Gogan.
And then this week Matty J’s sister goes into the house?
Knock me over with a feather.
Those of you who watched Georgia squirm during the most excruciating of meet-the-family encounters in The Bachelorette will remember Kate’s desire for Matty to settle down in a little house across the street from her and breed a whole tribe of little cousins for her baby, George. She also seems to be the reason Matty joined the pony club and not the rugby club.
The main reason Kate has usurped Osher in the first half of this episode is because she’s pregnant with babe number two. She doesn’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, so Matty doesn’t know if he’s an aunt or an uncle (Boom. Boom. The classics never die). More importantly, should the Channel 10 budget extend to an overseas trip later in the season, Kate reckons she won’t be able to fly, so it’s best for everyone that she meets all the girls now and drive her manipulative earworm into Matty’s brain and tell him who will be the future mother of George’s cousins.
So Kate makes her way into the Bachelor mansion. The girls are shocked by the entrance of this intruder, who Jen (of course) reckons is the most beautiful intruder ever. Then one of them zooms in on the wedding ring, and suspects something fishy, and in their defence, she did disguise her baby belly with a whopping huge date card.
The date card is for Alix, and little does she know at this stage how lucky she is, for while she gets to depart on a date with Matty, Kate is going to stay behind and uncover all the dirty secrets.
Alix is soon crammed into the passenger seat of an Aston Martin, and with 007 theme music playing in her ear, she is probably hopeful of being taken to some secret subterranean mountain hide-away to be strapped into a rocket ship and ejected into the stratosphere.
But no. They eventually arrive at the Sydney Wakeboard Park. I mean no offence to the aforementioned recreation centre, but after the previous dates on yachts, this looks about as exciting as an outing to the local sewerage treatment plant.
Worse still, Matty has learnt very little from his own Bachelorette experience. There was that horrendous date a few episodes in when that idiot Courtney decided to take Georgia skurfing because he was really good at it and she was crap. How to impress a girl…
Matty gives Alix a few tips on the sand, and for her part, she’s mighty confident:
“Balance like this,” says Matty.
“Sick,” replies Alix, super cool.
“Look this way.”
There is a bet about who will massage whom in the event of a win/fail. Alix thinks that’s great until Matty goes first and wakeboards around like he’s Chandler What’s-His-Face; Mr Bindi Irwin (and the only semi-famous wakeboarder I know).
Then it’s Alix’s turn and she faceplants…and faceplants…and…you know the drill.
Anyway, eventually she manages to stay upright long enough to get to the under 9 years marker, and she is off for some one-on-one time with Matty.
One of them rubs the other’s shoulders (Was that the massage? Seriously!) before there is some really boring chat and then Matty produces a rose.
By this stage of the whole shebang, Matty is full-on expecting a pash. Alix thanks him for the rose, then starts rabbiting on about how hard it is being in the house for so long and not having a single date before this.
Puh-lease. This is Matty you are talking to. It was about ten episodes before he got his single date, and his face has “quit your bitching” written all over it. Needless to say, this could have been that ONE time that a Bachelor has thought about asking for his rose back.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the remaining girls are gathered around Kate like she is Maria and they are the Von Trapp kiddies singing about their favourite things. While this is going on, Leah is weeping like she is hearing Adel Weiss and is about to leave her Batchpad forever.
Nothing draws one’s attention like a sobber, so Kate quickly singles Leah out for one to start the dishing out of the dirt. This is the first in a series of ensuing conversations which can be summarised thus:
“I’m an architecture student and party planner.”
“Party planner? Stripper more like!”
“Well so’s Simone. Na-na-na-na-nah!”
Somewhere along the line a group card has been distributed and Jen, Tara, Elise, Lisa, Laura and Leah are off to the annual Trail-By-Children challenge. Under the watchful eye of sister Kate, the girls are introduced to six child scientists. It’s a perfect representation of the scientific community in Australia – except for the equal number of boys and girls and the total absence of Asians.
The bachelorettes are all encouraged to interact with the little kiddies, while Mother-of-the-Century Kate, watches on. Laura mostly demonstrates the ability to repel children.
When finally the kids are asked to pick an adult, Laura is abandoned by everyone. Thankfully for her, she manages to find some poor little kid who is incapable of sitting on a stool and who has tried to disguise himself by pressing himself into a wall, and drags him into her body in some sort of faux embrace.
Next, each girl is made to force their child into building a volcano from Play-Doh. The kids happily do this: purple ones, green ones, polka dot ones…
Once the volcanoes are done, it’s time for the vinegar to hit the bi carb, and in one of favourite scenes ever, each child recoils in horror as their plasticine erection erupts in a foamy mess.
Alex must have had the least horrific look on his face, because somehow Laura ends up on the Napean River on an old river boat, engaging in clichés. It’s rainy, it’s boring, and that’s enough of that.
All the while, Kate has been interrogating the girls to find out their deep, dark secrets, but at every turn it comes back to how Leah has been supporting herself through her architecture degree with a bit of party planning on the side.
I get this. Having been to nineteen linen parties in the last eighteen months, there have been times when I have thought about myself.
But no. Leah’s a PARTY planner and it turns out that as such she is very much hands on and boobies out. The cat is also out of the bag, but Leah’s not going to take this lying down.
“I’ve got dirt on all of you bitches,” she spits. “If I’m going out, I’m going out with a bang.”
Matty takes Leah to the secret garden and confronts Leah about the issue.
“Yep, I get the girls out. But guess what? So does, Simone,” replies Leah. Na-na-na-na-nah. I see a bit of a theme emerging here.
Matty is stunned. Who would have thought that amongst twenty-four girls who have enough front to compete for a man’s affections on a national television show that there would only two strippers in the mix?
Simone’s next in the firing line. It’s a tearful Simone who confesses her sordid past. She tells a sad story of starving children and cold winters and wolves at the door.
“I did what I ‘ad to do,” she cries.
That’s enough for Matty. If you get your tits out out of necessity, that OK, but not if it’s just for fun. He calls Leah outside and tells her to pack her fun-bags and leave his house of virtue – and that the 1990s called and Liz Hurley wants her dress back.
It’s all becoming a bit too easy, this ditching girls in the garden, or maybe it’s just that Osher forget to phone the florist this week and the roses didn’t arrive in time.
Either way, the main villain is gone, but we all know that when you cut the head off the Medusa another one soon grows. Who will it be?
Watch this space.