No Osher this morning, just a conveniently placed Combi van outside the mansion. It is obviously the transport for Courtney’s date with Georgia, so what else would a bunch of fellas do than cram into the Combi and wait for Courtney to find them? What jolly pranksters they are!
After ejecting them all, Courtney rocks up to Georgia’s place and she admits that she has never been in a Combi before.
“Wow! You look like you’ve come straight out of the seventies!” she says a little bemused, because for all that his hair is a bit shaggy, he is missing the Great Dane.
Courtney is a bit nervous. Little wonder, because the rain is doing nothing for that horrendous head of hair. It is a truly miserable day, so of course, water sports are the order of the day. Courtney says that he thinks Georgia is outside her comfort zone with the day’s activity, “skurfing”, which is being dragged on a surfboard behind a motorboat. Only in Courtney’s head does it make sense that someone who would abseil from a Blue Mountains cable car and pick trapezing as a group date would be terrified of a being dragged along on a surfboard.
This date isn’t about Georgia though; this is about Courtney showing Georgia that even though he has a girls’ name, dresses like Dr Karl (Kruszelnicki, not Kennedy) and is follicle-challenged, he is a cool dude.
Courtney shows Georgia some gnarly moves, goofy footing and dropping in on some epic barrels.
Then it’s Georgia’s turn and she face-plants. She tries again, and she face-plants. Three, four, five…face-plants all. But she’s a trooper. Despite her humiliation, she’s her usual giggly euphoric self.
After ingesting all that salty water, Courtney takes her off to an elegant waterfront café. There is champagne and cheese and a waterfront sunset (or at least there would be if it weren’t pissing down with rain) and a chest full of…pirate costumes.
Georgia loves it. “Aaaargh, this guy just gets me,” she gushes.
During the ensuing pirate talk, Courtney reveals that he has only been on one first date before, and, ergo, he has only had one girlfriend. Alarm bells! I would less worried if he really had one leg and an eye-patch. If I were Georgia I would be making him walk the plank.
Despite this, Georgia gives him a rose, Courtney responds with awkward silence and then goes in for the hug and a brotherly peck on the cheek.
Oops. Clearly Courtney doesn’t get Georgia. And I am convinced that he is a V.I.R.G.I.N.
So on to the group date and somewhat cannily, Courtney has picked the most boring, personality-void blokes: Tommy, Ryan and Osher-Matt. Proving he’s a man of his word, Clancy of the Overflow is there, but to make up numbers he’s had to take the risk of including Cam and Jake who he stupidly sees as less of a threat that Rhys and Sam. Poor clueless Courtney. Clearly not a student of the genre!
It’s a billy-carting challenge and firstly Courtney divides them all into pairs to assemble their carts. He pairs himself with Georgia, whose job apparently is to tighten the nuts. That mission seems to be accomplished, because most of the fellas are spending more time gawking on Georgia than paying too much attention to their own projects..
The race gets underway and it’s so tense and exciting that Osher blows the top right off his trophy.
Courtney and Georgia are pitted off against Tommy and Matt, Cam and Ryan. It’s like those gladiatorial chariot races from Hollywood biblical epics where all of a sudden spinning blades appear from the axles in a fight for death, except without the chariots, the blades or the bloody carnage.
Courtney is fiercely competitive though and on the second lap manages to de-seat Cam and Ryan, but the manoeuvre allows Tommy and Osher-Matt to take the lead. Then the wheels fall off Courtney’s strategy. Literally, the wheels fall off. All the nuts in the room were tightened, except for the ones on their own cart.
As hard as he pushes, Courtney and Georgia are unable to catch the blue team and Tommy and Osher-Matt win. Osher, in a trick of television, presents himself with the trophy.
Clancy and Jake eventually cross the line. It’s like one of those touching moments in the Hawaiian Iron Man where someone with a special back story crosses the line ten hours after the winner, and only the production crew are waiting for them.
Then Courtney chooses Tommy to have the one-on-one time with Georgia, which on the one hand paints him as honourable and gentlemanly, while on the other painting him as a clueless schmuck.
Tommy and Georgia’s date is predictably boring, and he reveals he hasn’t had a girlfriend for eleven years. WTF? Maybe Courtney wasn’t so clueless afterall. But we do learn that Tommy was in the army. So of my pre-season predictions: firefighter (tick), tradie (tick), military guy (tick).
No kiss. No rose. No surprise.
Before I descend into a complete slumber, it’s cocktail time. Georgia is in a pretty, plunging floral frock and Courtney has again forgotten his socks. I swear, Courtney, if Georgia placed as much value on foot sanitation as she does on pirate costumes, you would be gone.
Rhys has run out of dress-shirts, so to deflect attention in the event that Georgia calls him out on it, he has written two poems.
But he doesn’t get the chance. Georgia calls Courtney aside for some one-on-one chat, which goes something like this:
“What the fuck, Courtney? No fucking pirate kiss and then you send me off with Shmoo?”
“Geez, George. Can’t you see I pity the poor fucker? That makes me fucking irresistible.”
“Yes, Courtney. I can see your point. Thank you. Your argument is certainly valid.”
Sam and Jake have apparently had nothing to do in their down time in the house than watch episodes of Masterchef on Ten Play and have decided that they will form an alliance and whip up a chocolate masterpiece just like Zumbo would except that he is on another channel. They reckon they have done about twenty trial runs, and yet all the other boys seem puzzled about what the pair are up to. That mansion must be huge. Either that, or there is a mirror room where most of the boys pass the time, allowing Sam and Jake to run their covert operation.
Needless to say, despite a false start, both the chocolate dessert and Georgia go all gooey. It’s high-fives all-round for Jake and Sam, the latter of whom is even oblivious to Rhys admitting that his poems are crap in comparison…to poetry.
And Tommy, goes home, even though Ryan hasn’t said a word since episode two.
Georgia is gracious. She tells Tommy that even though he isn’t the girl for her, she knows she’s out there.
“And you know…even if it takes you another eleven years, she’s out there…”
Ryan, realising that since the ugly ones are all gone,the short ones are next must be shivering in his timbers.
He really needs an intruder or something.
Cue episode five…