So this week, Mills and Boon released the actual covers of the books that resulted from last week’s outback photo shoot. As I suspected, the whole “Laddies of the Lake” thing makes just as little sense in its final incarnation.
But enough about that. It’s making my brain hurt, and that is a first for Mills and Boon.
It’s Osher time! For reasons unknown, unless they are shooting a catalogue for oversized knitted cardigans, the boys are all sitting outside in the freezing cold waiting for the host-with-the-most.
The man himself arrives soon enough to present the single date card, which goes to Lee. Lee only has twenty minutes to get himself ready. It’s unclear how he spent his time, because he emerges wearing exactly the same clothes. His teeth must have got one heck of a polishing…just in case.
Georgia soon arrives a classic Mercedes and they head off on their date, killing the time in a rapid fire Dad joke exchange.
They arrive at a marina where the multi-talented Ms Love demonstrates that she can pilot a motorised yacht. Not only that, she can steer the boat, drink a cocktail and carry on a conversation all at the same time. And that right there is evidence why she is The Bachelorette and wasn’t jammed among the airheads lusting after Richie on The Bachelor.
They arrive at a private beach where Georgia has a pirate chest full of food and booze, which she has inexplicably left about twenty metres away from her cushion nest, so they have to lug it down the beach. Champagne glasses in hand, Georgia instigates a game of “Truth or Lie”. She gives Lee three celebrity crush names: Zac Efron, Brad Pitt and Chris Pratt and Lee has to pick the lie. It’s just a variation on all that “either/or” rubbish that Sam goes on with, but I guess it kills the time and is non-threatening banter. Lee picks Zac Efron, which is wrong, and as punishment he has to do twenty push ups. Really I think this is just Georgia’s attempt to overheat Lee so that he will take his shirt off. Sadly, this doesn’t work. Lee is very attached to his cable-knit. Lee offers Georgia three names, she too gets it wrong and has a crack at twenty “girl push ups. She doesn’t get her shirt off either, but she does produce a rose and they share a kiss.
Back at the mansion, it’s time for a spot of tennis. Courtney’s hairdo is just not up to the task, neither the task of tennis nor anything else.
Sam emerges from the house, his jumbo jumper just not practical for tennis, but it is perfectly pretentious enough to torment Matty by staring at him while reading out names of other men for the group date.
“Just jokes, Matty. You’re going too.”
Matty’s face is a mixture of relief and an overwhelming desire to ugly up Sam’s pretty boy face.
The next day the group date happens, and now we learn that Georgia is not only a journalist, abseiler and ship captain, but she used to be a trapeze instructor.
After a quick training session on the ground, the guys are put through the ropes.
Rhys leads the way. He’s confident that he will be able to do this because he has the upper body strength. He certainly has muscular arms, but I would expect nothing less from a wanker like Rhys.
Most of the men are able to get themselves through the task, except for Sam, who couldn’t have performed worse even if he had left his jumbo jumper on, and Cam, though in the latter’s defence, I don’t think your average trapeze artist is six-foot-three. Matty, who is performing last, realises that he has put extra pressure on himself by at some stage boasting about his juvenile gymnastics to Georgia. So as he watches the string of guys, including Aaron, succeed at the task, he works himself up into a sweaty bundle of nerves.
“I’m looking for the pointy toes,” says Georgia.
Matty points his toes so much that he almost folds his feet back over themselves, and manages to win the right to catch Georgia. So up he goes, knowing that there is actually less risk in dropping Georgia as far as the date goes, as there is in fucking up in front of the bozzos assembled on the ground.
“On yer, Matty!” they shout in faux support, each hoping that Matty’s sweaty palms slip, the safety net fails and that he ends up on the dirt; a crumpled, broken mess of pointy toes and chiselled jaw.
But Matty achieves greatness and catches Georgia, first go. A Bachelorette miracle, surely.
Georgia gets to fulfil her life-long dream of lying on a trapeze net drinking champagne and looking at the stars. As far as life-long dreams go, this seems pretty unimpressive, and for a former trapeze instructor, not that difficult to set up. Anyway, life-long goal ticked. I really hope there’s something else on her bucket list. As far as the date goes, there’s the stock staples of bubbly and cushions and small talk, but sadly for Matty, no rose and no kiss.
It’s cocktail party time and Georgia is wearing a low-cut red gown. This is clearly a test to see who can maintain eye contact during the one-on-one conversations. I get how that would be a problem, because I find myself distracted by Georgia’s heaving bosom.
To distract himself, Sam decides to engage Rhys in a tutorial in poetry. Rhys’s arrogance disengages his sarcasm detector and he is keen to impart the secrets behind his verbal artistry:
“It’s like you get all these words in a line, and then you rhyme, like, all the time.”
It’s like when Lord Byron got together with Percy Bysshe Shelley, except without the opium to dull the pain.
Courtney manages to get Georgia alone because he has to talk to her about his golden date. This excites Georgia because it means he really likes her. Indeed. Nothing says “I like you” than a man showing you his golden date.
That piece of business negotiated, Courtney says that he will pick anyone who jumps in the pool within sixty seconds for the group date. Clancy’s up like a shot and dog paddling around in an act of desperation. It’s like that biblical story where Samson loses his strength after Delilah gives him a little trim; Georgia shaves off Clancy’s beard and he loses all his common sense. The upshot of this is that his Dior suit is a soggy mess, and Clancy is forced to wait out the rose ceremony clad in Sam’s jumbo jumper.
Clancy (which causes a wee bit of confusion because fluffy robes don’t come with rose holes)
There is a tense wait while Georgia tries to figure out why Osher is standing with the rose wannabes…
Going home are Jay, whose forehead has grown during the course of the rose ceremony, and Jon Lovitz doppelganger, Aaron. This means that most of the ugly ones are gone now so the tension can only increase from here.
It’s gonna be like walking a tight rope. And Georgia can probably do that too.