So many apologies for the break last night. August storms are not that common in this part of the world, and for one to strike right on Bachelor time was decidedly inconvenient. That my TV is STILL pixellating twenty-four hours later is concerning, but that’s why (insert deity of choice) invented TenPlay.
But if every storm cloud has a silver lining, then surely this must be it; a headline proclaiming that one of the girls (unnamed) has cheated on Richie…IN THE BACHELOR HOUSE! Before anybody, of either gender, gets too moist about the prospect of some Olena-on-Megan action, the article suggests that the lady in question got it on with a someone from the production team, like a gaffer, or a microphone guy, or someone.
So let’s just take a wee minute to digest that. In a television program where one man can take a progression of women out on dates, tell each one of them that he has feelings for them, and give out roses willy-nilly, one of the girls can be scorned for getting it on with the dolly grip? Holy double-standards, Batman!
Anyhow, back to the episode. It was only a matter of time before Network 10 tried to cash in on the Rio games fervour with some sort of Olympic themed group date, even though if anyone is watching The Bachelor this week, they are probably fed up to the eye-teeth with the Olympics.
Like Keira. She’s hopes that the group date that she and every other girl – except for Kiki – has been chosen for is some lovely outdoorsy picnic thing. As it turns out, there are kangaroos, but nothing that will impress Keira.
Fifteen minutes later, and the girls have arrived at the hockey stadium at Sydney Olympic Park. The girls are pretty excited about fulfilling their Olympic dream. I get that. Sixteen years ago I was at Olympic Park representing my country at the Sydney Olympics:
“Trains leave for the city every five minutes! Maroubra buses to the left!”
This Olympics is soooooo like the real thing. At least it starts that way, sort of. I guess the Cupid’s Arrow challenge does, at least, involve arrows and a target. All that is missing is anyone with any archery experience.
Keira hates archery.
—OOOOO—AND THAT IS WHEN THE INTERNET DECIDED TO FREEZE—OOOOO—
Oh well. Never let it be said that I am one to give up. Between the storm pixellation and the TenPlay freezing, pieced together with TV trailers and internet headlines, this is how I think it all goes:
- The girls roll around in Zorb balls and engage in numerous cutaways to camera involving thinly guised references to testicles. Sadly, I don’t think it will be long before Zorb Balling becomes an official Olympic sport. (Case in point. Table tennis. Really?) Keira hates Zorb balls.
- Richie re-fashions the testicle suits from the roller ball challenge. By adding a couple of ears, he convinces the girls that they are dressed as boxing kangaroos and delights in watching them attempt to beat the crap out of one another. Keira despises testicle suits re-imagined as kangaroos.
- Faith wins the gold medal. Keira REALLY hates this.
- Faith has one-on-one time with Richie, who gives her a rose. Keira plots murder.
- Richie brings out Helicopter #2 for the season and takes Kiki somewhere and does something before pashing Kiki and giving her a rose. Kiki needs to stay clear of Keira.
- Somebody told the girls that Richie likes hideous pant-suits.
- Richie asks Keira for a chat. Alex bursts into tears just like a natural born woman might.
- Other girls bitch about other girls, or about how much the other girls bitch about other girls.
- Keira gets one. WTF?
- Sasha doesn’t, but that’s OK because she wasn’t even hungry.
Sorry everyone! Your disappointment in this post is only equalled by mine. I hope to be back in form next week.