OMG. The dust hasn’t even settled on the tawdry social experiment that is Married at First Sight, and yet here we are, backing up for the new season of Bachelor in Paradise.
It feels a bit like we have been partying hard all night and have woken up with the hangover from hell, and need a little hair of the dog to make our heads feel better. We’ll have a drink, just a little one, knowing it’s doing us no good, but it takes the edge off.
Osher’s back and he is happy. He’s been down to Lowe’s and stocked up on Hawaiian shirts, and he is promising to bring back all our Bachelor favourites, but I’ve seen the previews and that’s a big fat lie – I mean, Paddy. Really?
It’s not long before this year’s crop start arriving.
First up is Shannon. She’s from the Honey Badger season and was one of the girls we thought might have been in with a shot until we found out what a farce it all was.
“I dodged a Nick Cummins bullet,” she giggles, a pretty easy feat since he wasn’t shooting any.
The first of the fellas arrives. It’s Bill from Ali’s season of The Bachelorette, the guy who looks like a living Ken doll, and who introduced Ali to an ex-girlfriend on his hometown date. Of course Bill denied that she was ever his girlfriend.
“I never dated her. It’s not a date unless you ‘wine and dine’. I never wined and dined her.”
Fed and bed? Suck and f…
It’s a fine line, but apparently there is one.
Soon he meets Shannon at the bar.
“How long have you been here?” he asks, and the answer is clearly three margaritas, because Shannon can barely stand up and is already giggling like a loon.
Next to arrive is Brooke and we all know why Brooke is back – because she walked out on Nick Cummins and also she kisses girls and she likes it.
Then Paddy arrives and it looks like he has been dressed by his over protective English mum who has been down to K-mart and bought him a matching rashy and board shorts, because the sun and Brits don’t match. He’s no doubt plastered in Banana Boat.
Before long the whole first wave has assembled: Stage Five clinger Cassie and bat-shit crazy Brittney from the Honey Badger season, James (the one who should have won Sophie Monk’s season), Cat and Alisha (two of the mean girls from Nick’s season), Nathan from Ali’s season (who has not spent any time away from the camera fixing up his stupid haircut) and Rachel from Richie’s. Oh…and a token yank – Alex.
“Wow! He must weigh his chicken!” espouses Brittney as Alex enters.
Paddy’s not that phased.
“He’s got a funny accent,” opines Paddy, in our first case of the pot calling the kettle black this season.
Rachel is hoping to find true love again, and hopes there’s someone sexy. If there is, she’s going to give them her sexy sign – this sounds like she coughing up a fur-ball and looks like someone has jabbed her in the eye with a pencil.
And is you get the sexy signal wrong, it can be disastrous, as Rachel discovers when she draws the attention of Nathan, even though she’s old enough to be his mother.
Rachel meant to attract Bill, because he’s got nice eyes and a cheeky tongue. Whatever floats your boat, Rachel.
Meanwhile, it seems that Cassie has extended her clinging to stalking and appears to have bonded with half of this year’s cast in the ‘real world’.
“I’m really good mates with Nathan in the ‘real word’ and I know James from the ‘real world’ and he’s really nice and I think he would be really good with Shannon.”
Maybe they all keep bumping into each other at the Bachelor Anonymous meetings – except that concept wouldn’t work because nobody who goes on The Bachelor wants to remain anonymous.
Cat has decided that she needs people to see a different side of herself, and Alisha has vowed that this time she is wants to be the action, not talking about the action, then five minutes later they have assembled all the girls from the Honey Badger season, thereby ostracising Rachel, and have bullied Brooke into telling them what really went on with Nick.
“There’s something I should tell you gurls,” she commences, and we can be sure that it’s not how to pronounce ‘girls.’
“On our last date we went on a motorbike ride and I was feeling a real connection and then he stopped and made them turn off the cameras and he told me that he wasn’t going to pick anyone and I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone,” she blurts.
She’s afraid that now that she has told this secret, Nick is going to hate her, but she forgets that we all saw the ending and have been trolling Nick ever since.
Anyway, after an afternoon of solid drinking, Osher arrives with a date card so that two people can go out into the jungle and drink some more, while the rest of them get to sit around the pool and drink some more. At least the two on the date get cheese to soak up some of those mojitos.
Shannon gets the date card.
“AGAIN!” complains Cat. “That’s the second time she’s got the first date. What about me?”
And that new softer side of Cat is off to a flying start.
Shannon, who has spent all day talking with James, is torn. She takes him off for a chat to see if he is date material.
“If it was me with the date card,” says James, “I would 100% take you on a date. Like maybe even 200%. Like if I had my way, I would spend twenty-four hours a day with you and not even talking to anyone else.”
Of course to Shannon’s margarita-sodden head, this sounds less like Andrew Marvell’s To His Coy Mistress and more like Josef Fritzl.
“I’ll take Paddy,” she announces to the group. “He’s got tatts.”
And soon they are sitting under a floral gazebo eating cheese and drinking champagne and being serenaded by the hotel wait staff.
Back at the pool, Alisha realises that her suitcase has been mixed up en-route from the airport and she is forced to change into some old lady’s undies instead of her bikini.
Rachel realises that she has caught the eye of Nathan and he bails her up for a chat, despite her best efforts to camouflage herself in a bunch of cushions.
Finally Shannon and Paddy are back from their date and this is an excuse for another round of drinks. Shannon confesses to the girls that she and Paddy kissed, but it wasn’t very good. Alisha is happy about this because she is hot for Paddy and for her sake I hope he hasn’t seen her in that horrendous swim suit.
Finally everyone passes out and is dragged away to the privacy of the bungalows to have their stomachs pumped, and before we know it, it is morning.
“I want a drink!” yells Brittney. “Is it twelve o’clock yet?” And I am secretly relieved that there is some sort of responsible service of alcohol going on.
Paddy has woken up with a bee in his bonnet, and the bee is named Bill. Paddy tells Nathan that Bill has been texting girls, trying to find out who is coming to paradise so that he can form alliances with them before they even arrive. Paddy knows this because Charlie (the know-it-all from Ali’s season who hated Bill) told him, and Paddy has told Nathan because Nathan is a meathead and will not only believe anything he hears, but repeat it.
“You’ve been texting girls,” says Paddy.
“So fucking what?” spits Bill.
“Charlie said you were trying to build alliances before you came in here. You’ve been all over the social media. Charlie said so.”
“It’s bullshit. And Charlie’s not even here – you moron!”
“Don’t call me a moron!” retorts Paddy. But…if the shoe fits…
But we don’t have time for that because there is a rustling in the bushes like someone else is about to enter Paradise.
Richie has arrived at Osher’s pad. Osher’s face is shiny in anticipation of finding out the juicy gossip about what went down between Richie and Alex Nation.
“I don’t think Australia is ready for our grubby little secrets,” says Richie and Osher is crestfallen.
I don’t know what planet Richie has been living on for the past twelve weeks, because Australia is absolutely ready for your grubby little secrets. Two million of us tuned into the finale of Married at First Sight last night just to see the grubby little secrets exposed. Our whole system of government runs on grubby little secrets…
And all of Richie’s grubby little secrets WILL come out, but not tonight…
Tune in tomorrow.