There has been disturbing news this week concerning Brooke’s past relationships – and I’m not talking about her two with women.
It turns out that she went out with Blake. Blake, Jared’s nemesis on Sophie Monk’s season of The Bachelorette. Blake the bully. Blake who wore pyjamas when he arrived on Bachelor in Paradise.
No wonder she went off men for a while. He put every woman in Australia off men for a while. Some of us are only just recovering.
And leading our recovery is our latest bachelor, Nick Cummins – salt of the earth Nick. Humble and sweet. Able to date twenty-three women at once and not make any of them want to rip his testicles off and shove them down a garbage disposal unit.
Little wonder all of the remaining girls are clamouring for a single-date card. Osher soon arrives at the mansion with one and all the girls are giggly with anticipation; none more so than Emily and Cassie, the last remaining women who haven’t had a single date yet.
Brittany does the honours. The single date goes to…
Oh my. Suddenly the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder and the symphony rises to a crescendo…finally we can stop listening to Cassie harp on about how desperate and dateless she is. At least now she’s only desperate.
She’s so excited about this date. It could literally be anything and she would be deliriously happy: hot air ballooning, motor racing…euthanising small animals. Nothing could curb Cassie’s excitement.
Soon she is waiting on a suburban street, busily applying Blistex, when Nick arrives in some sort of limousine disguised as an American school bus. It seems pointless until we realise that their destination is Wet ‘n Wild Sydney which, ironically, is not accessible by water (but school bus limo is still not required).
It also gives Nick the opportunity to ply Cassie with champagne – not that she needs it. When it comes to him, her permanent state is love drunk. She latches onto Nick’s back like the shell to his slug, and off they go on a day of adventure.
Their first stop is the aptly named Sky Rocket.
“What’s that?” asks Cass. “It looks like a 76-metre metal tower.”
“Welcome to our 76-metre metal tower,” says a lady clad in Wet ‘n Wild uniform. “Today you are about to be hoisted vertically and flung through the air on a couple of flimsy wires.”
“Oh wow! Awesome! I love it because Nick wants me to do it!”
Quick as a flash they are strapped into some sort of padded, presumably faeces resistant harness (because I for one couldn’t be hoisted that far into the air without shitting myself).
Nick, ever the jokester has pre-arranged a trigger mishap which fools Cassie into thinking that they about to plunge to their doom.
“Oh well,” she giggles. “At least if we die, we die together!”
Nothing fazes a lunatic in love.
Soon they are plummeting earthbound, narrowly missing fences and scattering amusement workers.
“Stick it up your arse, you arsehole!” yells Nick in a most unexpected manner, because arsehole doesn’t rhyme with anything, we’re not quite sure whose arsehole requires anything inserted into it, and since when has Nick been so coarse? Maybe he’s having some sort of metaphysical conversation with Death.
Whatever it is, they survive, because if they didn’t, they couldn’t go on the “Wet” bits.
Unfortunately, Cass didn’t know that she was going to need a swimming costume before she left the mansion (Osher is decidedly bad at telling the girls what to wear), but fortunately she manages to fashion something out of one of those little inner-tube repair kits, and there is almost enough of it to make a bikini.
They spend the next couple of hours on a variety of rides, each requiring a cameraman to focus on Cass readjusting, before the ultimate water ride experience: The Typhoon.
AKA “The Kama Sutra”.
Finally they get some time to talk, but a burst water main has flooded the date area. Cassie and Nck take it in their (albeit watery) stride.
Soon Cassie is gazing into Nick’s eyes and talking about her feelings, and then about how she has feelings for him and then how her feelings are getting stronger and then how her feelings are feeling.
“Do you have feelings for me?” she asks, gooey-eyed.
Nick says that the thing is that he finds it hard to express feelings and emotions in this situation…
Like how he found it hard to express feelings and emotions when he was pashing Brittany in the pool. Brooke on the lawn. Dasha in the trout pond.
But he gives Cass a rose because not to would be like coming home from work after a shitty day and slapping a dog who’s excited to see you. And there is an odd kiss as well, but there you go. Cass will have to be final three, especially at the rate some of these girls are falling on their swords.
The next day there is a group date, and now that the group is only eight, all of them are going.
They drive out to the bush where they are met by Nick, Osher and another woman. She’s not another intruder, to the relief of all. Instead Osher introduces her as: “Emily, a world renowned transformational coach.”
And for the second time in as many weeks, Osher has just made up some fancy job title that we just know doesn’t exist OR pays so poorly that no one want to be one.
Emily (the faux-expert-one) soon notices Jamie-Lee’s moonboot.
“I’m sorry. I cannot transform you.”
And just like that, Jamie-Lee is out of the challenge. I don’t think Osher thought this out very well.
So while Jamie-Lee is sent off to drag logs from the forest and build a fire, the rest of the girls have to endure this week’s humiliation challenge.
It’s one of those mumbo-jumbo lifestyle things where if you write something down, carry a weight representing some sort of a burden, shove a frog down your sock, chew on a parsley poultice and promise your first born, you can walk over hot coals, karate chop through a board, and push a bulldozer a hundred metres unassisted.
Soon Nick and the girls are off on a series of challenges:
Drown the short girl.
Balls on Bamboo.
Rat up a Drainpipe.
The Lickety Chick Flick.
It’s supposed to be all about gaining confidence and working in teams and communicating, but really it’s about seeing which girls still look pretty with mud on their faces.
They gather in the clearing around Jamie-Lee’s fire, where Nick decides that Dasha is the girl he wants to spend some more time with.
The single date starts well enough.
“Cheers to getting wet,” offers Nick.
“Cheers to getting wet,” replies Dasha, “… and dirty…”
So where do you go after a suggestive comment like that?
Absolutely. Fricken. Nowhere.
After this date there are only three things saving Dasha: Jamie-Lee’s even more boring Ninja date, a moonboot, and how hot Dasha looks in fly-fishing waders.
We have no idea where Osher has been for the duration of this group date, but clearly he hasn’t been back at the mansion stocking up the bar fridge.
There is NO COCKTAIL PARTY which frankly is quite concerning as the girls get most of their nutrients from white wine, cheese and cocktail franks.
There’s no mucking around tonight. It’s straight into the rose ceremony. Cass already has one. Shannon gets one. Brooke gets one. Then Brittany and Sophie…and Dasha, proving that hotness trumps conversation.
Then Emily – the real one, not the world renowned transformational coach.
There is no rose for Jamie-Lee who gives Nick a cursory hug then hobbles off into the shadows…
We’re on the home stretch now, folks.