The Real Housewives of Melbourne (Season 4) – Episode 1:  Sugar Coated Arsenic

OK, OK.  I’ve left this recap of episode one soooo long that it might as well act as a preview of episode two.

That’s pretty much all a first episode of a subsequent series is anyway. This is mostly all about what the girls have been up to since they last met.

Chyka has disappeared this season, but let’s face it – Chyka just didn’t have that much to offer this franchise apart from amazing catering.  Pettifleur has gone too, and we now know that she went to another network so that she could tell Marco Pierre White that he knows nothing about cooking. Little Suzy, the divorced CWA lady has also vanished without a trace.

There’s a strong possibility that Lydia may have eaten her.

In the months since we last saw Lydia, she has developed her love of cooking, and eating.  This is in part because she wasn’t very good at that interior designing hobby her husband paid for, and in part because she can troll the Praha Markets looking for purveyors of vegetables shaped like dicks.

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You want the Warnie, or the other one?

She’s totally relaxed, though this newfound interest in food has made poor Figaro more nervous than ever.  Maybe it’s because he has heard that dogs are delicacies in some cultures…

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What is someone turns up and I am STILL without pants?

She has invited Gina over for a meal – or to pick from a platter of olives and deli meats she has picked up at Woolies. Gina has had a busy year inflicting two more fragrances on Chemist Warehouse, and developing a fake tan range (Wow!  Something new and unique!) and buying herself a dog named “Noodle” – a black, poodle looking thing. Oops.

But it has also been a year touched with the sadness of losing her father. Through the good times and the bad, only Lydia and Venus have stood by her.  The latter is apparently a person, not the range of feminine hair removal products, though I’m pretty sure they had their place as well.

Cutaway to Venus, a new housewife this season, who tells us how beautiful and smart and down to earth she is.

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Venus: just keeping it real

Gina’s decided that she’s going to invite the girls to dinner, except for Gamble, because that bitch still has it in her head that her wedding was more important that Gina’s appearance on Celebrity Apprentice (Australia).

Gamble should have had a lot to take her mind off Gina.  The new Mrs Wolf has a new house, with a garden, and this gives her the opportunity to wear pruning gloves and big 1950s hats and pretend that she doesn’t have a pool boy or someone who actually does the weeding.  Husband Rick is looking equally uncomfortable at the end of a rake, possible because he has trouble telling it apart from his wife.

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Gamble’s weight loss does feature in this episode.  She claims that it is because she has given up wine and champagne, but it’s more likely because she is burning so much energy worrying about how Gina is trying to steal her life: her dress designer, her hairstylist and even her chandelier-ist!

Besides, the Logies are almost upon them and the Real Housewives are all going to be there and nobody wants to look like an oompaloompa at the Logies.  OK.  So that might explain the weight, but…

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Meanwhile, Janet and Jackie have had great breaks.  Jackie is taking her psychic tour on the road, but she doesn’t know where and she doesn’t know when, and she hopes to be pregnant soon, but she doesn’t know when and hubby Ben wants to move to LA to further his music career, but she’s not sure how that will turn out. Tickets to Jackie’s psychic tour are on sale soon.

Janet’s son is coming out of his shell after his accident and has a new girlfriend and Janet herself has a new man.  She’s so comfortable in her new relationship that she commandeers his house so that she and Jackie and Gamble can ready themselves for the Logies.

There is a powerful lesson shared here.  Women with huge E-cup boobs like Jackie have no business wearing neoprene dresses on the red carpet.  Janet too has issues breathing in her dress, mostly because her breast implants are pushed so high that they block her already surgery-compromised nostrils.

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Over at Lydia’s house, she and Gina are also getting ready for Australian television’s night-of nights.  Gina’s running a tad late since her dress only arrived at 10:30 am that morning and only then after she threatened to kill the dressmaker’s family if he didn’t get the thing done.  Lydia is concerned that she will need help going to the bathroom in her dress, and Gina suggests that Lydia follows her example and cut the crotch out of her spanks.

Having seen both girl’s dresses, I can’t imagine myself having trouble going to the bathroom in either of them, so I think this crotchless spanks things is just something that they do for fun.

Next shot, and all of the women have arrived at the Logies. Janet and Jackie must have waddled there, or arrived on the back of a removalist’s truck, because there is no way either of their dresses would have allowed them the flexibility required for the back seat of an Uber.

The five girls are reunited for the first time since last season’s finale. It’s all a bit tense.

Then suddenly, some work experience red carpet journalist, possibly planted by Lisa Oldfield (RHO Sydney villain) manages to clobber Gamble in the mouth with her microphone, breaking her two front teeth.

Gina is enraged.  She hates Gamble to the very core, but it is every woman’s right to walk the red carpet with her teeth intact.  She quickly pens a deposition to sue Channel Nine, before trying to comfort Gamble.

“You’re a newly married woman, Gamble.  Having no front teeth might actually be a good thing!”

Or something like that.

How Gamble laughed!  It made her laugh so much that she started to drink beer.

But, what happens at the Logies stays at the Logies.

The next day, Gina is hosting the ladies for dinner.  That is, they are all joining her at a waterfront restaurant, except Gamble.  Well there was no point in inviting her to dinner really, since she had no teeth.

Jackie notices that there is a seat spare at the table.

“Is that a seat for your father?” she asks, obviously well-read in Shakespeare.

“Are you fucking kidding? Leave my father out of this!  It’s for Venus!”

And just like Banquo’s ghost, Venus materialises, a vision in feathers and gold lame pants and unnervingly blue contact lenses.

Venus explains to the group that she is beautiful, and that out of the way, the rest of them can get back to the business of bitching about Gamble.

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Their friendly banter is interrupted by a waiter who delivers a long black box to Gina.  For a moment Gina wonders how her lovehoney.com.au order managed to track her to the restaurant, but she flicks it open anyway to find twelve long stemmed roses.

Really?  Do florists even deliver flowers like that anymore?

No matter really, because it isn’t really a box of flowers; it’s sugar coated arsenic.  It’s a gauntlet that has well and truly been thrown.

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It’s game on.

I wish I could see the future like Jackie can’t (Hang on…that means I can…).

The good thing about being so late in a recap is that the next episode is only tomorrow.

Bring it on.

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