The Bachelorette Australia (Season 3) – Episode 9: Kidding? Not Kidding!

Blake is on a high because he has survived the most intense rose ceremony E.V.A. and that’s a sign he’s going to win.  At very least it’s a sign that Sophie finds Blake just a little bit less of a wanker than Sam.

He’s not able to dwell on that too long though, because Sophie makes a surprise entrance.  They’re all off on a group date to the back yard where Osher has excelled himself in faux experts, convoluted games and unnecessary humiliation. Accompanying him is Johnathan, an E-Harmony “Relationship Scientist”.

“So Johnathan.  Tell us what it is you do?” asks Osher.

“I used to be a nuclear physicist until the bottom fell out of the electron market.  Now I travel the world humouring Bachelorette hosts by supervising their bullshit games,” replies Johnathan, despondent.

And as Bachelorette bullshit games go, this one has been produced by something enormous; like a mega Taurus that could skewer fifteen Pedders’ mascots on a single horn.

The first round involves a bunch of pie charts, but no actual pie, and a heap of wedges, none of them potato. Then then the poor breakfast deprived boys have to arrange all these wedges into the pie and Johnathan will use his special science powers to see who has stuck the wedges into the pie the best.

I don’t think this is real science.  Just call me a Pie Arrange Skeptic.

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Anyway, then the boys all stand next to their deconstructed pies and Sophie picks one to eliminate from the challenge.

She picks James, because he is more organised that she is.

No worries.  It’s just round one of a challenge…not a rose ceremony or anything…

Test Two presents each of the men with a naked store mannequin of indistinct gender, and having been locked up in the house together for the last month, the last one to attempt a sexual relationship with their dummy wins.

Of course that’s not the game, even though that would make more sense.

The men have to dress their dummy for their perfect date, as though the dummy was Sophie.  They have five minutes.

Jarrod’s got this.  He hurls himself into it like Alexander McQueen on speed and soon his dummy looks like his dream date is hiking to the Himalayas to invite a yeti to a pool party.

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Love is blind.  That’s why Love will never get a job as a window dresser

He doesn’t get eliminated.

Apollo does for dressing his dummy in…a dress.

Now James and Apollo are on the side lines.  No worries.  It’s just round two of a challenge…not a rose ceremony or anything…

The third test Osher creatively calls “Perfect Batch”.  It’s exactly like the kitsch 70’s game show except without Greg Evans or Debbie Newsome, and Dexter the Robot has been replaced with Johnathan the E-Harmony Scientist.

Thankfully, I am happily married and have never had the need to complete an E-Harmony questionnaire, which apparently contains questions like this:

Sophie:  If you could shrink any animal down to size, what would it be and why?

Jarrod:  Giraffe…because…um…giraffe

Sophie:  If you had one hundred million dollars what would you do?

Stu:  If I had ONLY one hundred million dollars?  I’d fire my accountant.

Anyway, Stu wins extra one-on-one time with Sophie and spends most of it telling her how fabulous it was to be married to a wonderful woman for fifteen years and how he wasn’t a player and how he’s moved on to Sophie now and he kisses her.

Then, to camera, he says that he has come for Sophie and he won’t be leaving without her.

Player? No.

Stalker…? Well, if the shoe (stolen from her bedroom closet while she slept) fits…

But it’s OK.  It’s just a challenge date.  It’s not like it’s a rose ceremony or anything…

When all the boys are back at the house, Osher arrives to deliver the final single date card of the series.

“Who’s kidding around?” reads Apollo, proving that he’s not a just a pretty face and spectacular pecs.

“Goats have kids,” observes James. “And humans.  They have kids.”

“And giraffes!” exclaims Jarrod, who has clearly cut his giraffe onesie into blankie-sized segments impregnated with the scent from Sophie’s hugs. “Giraffes[1] have kids!  And I wore a giraffe onesie! Remember guys! Remember!”

But Blake is granted the last single date of the series.

Jarrod is left with a lump in his throat, and giraffes have very long throats.

Even the producers have had enough of these single dates and they have simply replaced the puppies from last week with baby goats.

Blake is such a natural with baby goats that he can actually put a bottle into a kid’s mouth and it will suck on it.  Such a talent.  And he can even put the bottle in the mouth of the “special” staring goat and it sucks on it.

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E-Harmony road tests its next generation of “Relationship Scientists”

OMG.  He’s Doctor F*cking Doolittle.

Then Sophie decides that they will milk a goat so they can make cheese.

Blake grabs the teat. (Point of clarification: Teat of the goat.  Blake is a sleaze, but he ain’t no Harvey Weinstein)

“It’s like an enormous nipple!” he cries, like he has never held an enormous nipple before.

Neither of them look like they are having much success at extracting milk from the goat, but soon they have adjourned to a gazebo where Sophie pours an entire bucket of milk into the magic cheese bowl and..voila!  Goat cheese.

Meanwhile, out in a back paddock, a doe is immersed in a drinking trough full of Lucas’ Paw Paw Ointment.

Finally, it’s time for the night time part of the date.  On the plus side, Blake has found a pair of socks, albeit they are black against light shoes.

Blake opens the idle chit-chat by admitting that he is turned on by goats.

Sophie wonders why girls are always turned on by the baaaa-aaaa-aaaad boys.

Blake is fondling his champagne glass like it is a nanny goat’s teat and he is so aroused he goes in for a kiss with Sophie.

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Then, just when we thought that this season had foregone the performance by some random musical artist, Sophie announces that Hurricane Fall will sing for them.  For their part, Hurricane Fall are just grateful for the opportunity to perform in front of their largest live audience ever. Blake nods his head in an attempt to match the beat and disguise that he has no idea who Hurricane Fall is and the he goes in for a few more kisses.

But that’s OK, because Sophie doesn’t give him a rose or anything…

Cocktail party time and Jarrod is holding court as the only one of the boys who truly loves Sophie and the only one who isn’t a dud.  Blake arrives back from his date wearing a white jacket, two sizes too small for him.

James says that he has observed a change in Blake over the weeks. He, too, must have noticed his new-found fondness for shoe liners.

Sophie again strokes Jarrod’s ego by telling him he has been her protector, and he is so proud he forgets to give her an update about the potplant.

And there was much rejoicing.

Rose ceremony:

Blake stands out like a billy goat’s balls in that white sport coat and surely this is a sign that he will be going…

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“Blake,” calls Sophie.

WHAT!

“Stu,” she says.

WTF!

“Jarrod.”

NO! NO! NO!

James and Apollo stand before her.  I never thought it would come to this.  Two boys who have not once uttered the word “tactic” this entire season are on the chopping block.  Surely she’s kidding…?

“Apollo,” she says.

And just like that, James is gone.  James who busked his little heart out. James the builder of fires.  James the gentleman.

James is gone before Jarrod and before Blake. Surely she’s kidding?

There’s only one way to sum up how I feel about this…

 

 

I’m gutted.  Australia is gutted.

And worst of all, we could have ended this episode after round one of Osher’s stupid game.

See you tomorrow.

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James literally not looking back.

 

[1] Baby giraffes are called calves.  Source: Wikipedia for Dummies

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