There was a time, about a decade ago, when James Blunt was music’s next big thing. Oh, how girls’ hearts would melt when he crooned You’re Beautiful and offered to Carry You Home.
And then a couple of things happened. Firstly, James Blunt was finally photographed next to a person of average stature, and we discovered that he only stands about four feet six inches in socks.
Shortly after, Prince Harry got himself naked in a hotel room in Las Vegas and all of a sudden, red-heads were all the rage.
Next thing, some ranga Englishman manages to get himself about eleventy billion top ten hits and, this year, manages to score himself a crooning gig on the biggest television program on the planet, without even having his character disembowelled by a dragon.
Meanwhile, James makes a trip out to Australia to perform on the Logies, and to get value for the expense of the trip, his manager hooks him up to be the guy who sings while the Australian Bachelor and his chosen single date dance self-consciously in an empty night club.
I’m betting James Blunt would love to plunge one of Ed Sheeran’s Grammys clear through his heart right now…if only he could reach it.
But more of James Blunt’s woes later.
It’s like Lisa never existed, and I don’t mean that solely because the girls have foregone the post-cocktail deconstruction in the kitchen, but because after that one tennis game weeks ago, it was always like Lisa never existed.
Instead, the girls have assembled in another backyard, and because it is getting closer to the end, this yard seems to be at the back of a castle. The girls observe that there can’t be anything physical involved because none of them are wearing bras.
Osher tells them that he has set up a quiz for them. There are to be three rounds.
Round one seems simple enough. There are six girls left, so Osher has set up six boxes sensibly numbered from one to six. Matty will ask a series of questions and the girls will arrange themselves from 1 (lowest) to 6 (highest) and the one with the highest points at the end wins.
It seems to work at first.
“Which of the girls is the funniest?” They all agree that Tara goes on box six because she is hilarious and Elora goes on box one because she’s the most sexy.
“You can’t be sexy and funny at the same time,” says Tara. See? That’s hilarious! Clearly. The writer of this blog is both.
Elora soon realises that this is purely a numbers game and that if she plays it honest, she’s going to be in trouble. Like, what if there is a question about who looks best in black leggings? So her game play becomes not to move off box five or six no matter what the question is. This is a particularly stubborn strategy (haha – hold that thought).
Matty spends the next five hours watching the girls squabble with one another, Elora refusing to budge and the others giving in to her passive-aggressiveness, until Tara and Laura end up eliminated – and I’m pretty sure that’s not the way it was supposed to turn out.
On to round 2.
The simple part involves the girls picking THE five character traits from an extensive list that Matty would consider to be deal breakers. Except Osher has added timber boxes and balloons and pin pricks – a whole lot of unnecessary bells and whistles, except Cobie really, really likes balloons.
Anyway, Matty’s deal breakers are, in no particular order, are NOT WANTING KIDS, CHEATING, LYING, BAD MANNERS and STUBBORNESS. Recall that thought?
Cobie is apparently very bad at this game, picking things like: having a second toe longer than the big toe, noisy eating, kicking a puppy when it’s only trying to love you (hold that thought as well). Cobie is eliminated.
The other three are tied, but Florence misses out on the tie breaker: COMPATABILITY IN THE BEDROOM. I’m not even going to contemplate what Florence did have attached to her balloons, because I don’t speak Dutch.
Round 3 is all about the Values of a Healthy Relationship. It’s another one of those writing and reading challenges, but having learnt the right way to hold a pen last episode, Elise reckons she’s got this. In fact, she’s so confident, that she is able to slip a stick of gratuitously placed Extra gum into her mouth and multi-task – chew and write at the same time.
Elise and Elora then get to read their values aloud to Matty. Little do they realise that the rest of the girls are watching in another room, not that this has any bearing on the outcome of either this challenge or the rest of the episode.
Elise ends up winning the challenge. This is because, in the rest of the girls’ words, Elise’s values are normal and Elora’s are weird. Elora was stubborn and bad-mannered in the box challenge, and black jeggings have no place in his life or on his wife.
It’s off to the Red Room at the Marquee at Star Casino. Elise tries to concentrate on what Matty is saying, but it’s obvious that she’s thinking that when she is inevitably dumped, at least she’ll be able to tell her friends that she met James Blunt.
Shortly (haha) the man appears. Matty’s all: “How are you, mate?” like they they were in pony club together, yet at no time does James step down from the stage.
Pleasantries exchanged, James sits at the piano and starts singing. Matty and Elise start the expected awkward, self-conscious slow dancing and just as James is about to break into the chorus…
…he is drowned out by the “Dads for Kids” music. And that reminds me:
Matty and Elise end up kissing, and since neither of them are paying any attention to him, James Blunt stamps his little feet, chucks a little tanty, and storms off stage.
“Go on then!” he rants. “Book Ed Sheeran next time for all I care.”
The next day dawns and Matty is beside a creek, pondering where all his socks have gone and why he is so crap at skipping rocks across water.
He is also wondering whether he has any future with Cobie. Mostly, he can only take four girls on home town dates, and if he has to go to some backwater Queensland mining town, it has to be worth the effort.
He decides there is only one way to find out – give her a personalised pink helmet and take her on a high ropes course. This challenge is all about seeing if he and Cobie have a future together, assuming their future involves opening a Jim’s Lumberjacking franchise.
Despite saying she is very nervous and scared about the high ropes challenge, Cobie scampers across dodgy timber bridges and air-borne wooden tunnels like a trooper.
Back on the ground, Matty wants to know where he sits with Cobie. To me, it looks like they are sitting on a raised platform covered in Astroturf.
Cobie tells him that she loves him, but that she is a little scared. Matty tells her she’s dumped.
And this is exactly like kicking a puppy who is doing nothing but trying to show you how much it loves you.
It’s so pitiful, I can hardly watch. Surely Cobie deserved the dignity of being eliminated at a rose ceremony…
Even worse, back at the cocktail party, the girls have realised that Cobie and Matty have been gone a very long time. They think the date must be going very well, and that makes them very anxious and wondering what they will say in when they get time with Matty. Then Osher arrives and tells them that Matty and Cobie have eloped:
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll be blunt,” says Osher. “Cobie has gone home.”
“And there WILL be a rose ceremony. In FIVE minutes!”
Matty appears in a dashing purple suit, channelling his inner Austin Powers. Elise, Tara, Laura, Florence.
Elora is going home.
Let’s be blunt one last time.
Your home town is Tahiti. You are definitely not blonde, and if stubborn was deal breaker, then stubborn you be.
As she sets off across the garden, Matty interrupts her.
He tries to appease her by telling her she’s a free spirit.
“Choosing you would clip your wings,” says Matty.
In other words, “My sister would never allow it.”
And that’s as blunt as it comes.