The Bachelor Australia (Season 5) – Ep 2: Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

Maybe it’s because I am about to start teaching Macbeth the four hundred and fifty-first time, but I see something seriously Shakespearean in tonight’s episode.  I’m not talking about his in-depth examination of the human psyche, but all the great elements: three witches, worms, frogs and a magic wine glass.

  1. So there may not be a specific mention of a magic wine glass in Macbeth, but something must have helped him see Banquo’s ghost in his chair. You know it, right?

Anyhow, before all of that unfolds there is a recap of last night’s episode, and it saddens me to say that Shaye (AKA Miss Personality) had so little personality that her demise at the rose ceremony didn’t even make the recap reel.  I can’t help but think that exposing this title was such a fundamental mistake.  Everybody knows that Miss Personality NEVER wins the whole thing.  Lesson learned.

So it’s the morning after in the house, and I almost have to learn all their names again now that they have their day faces on. Osher soon arrives, but he doesn’t make anything easier by announcing that the first date will be a single.  Tara volunteers to open it:

“I felt a SPARK,” she reads, and Leah assumes it must be her date.

Bright spark she ain’t, and the date goes to fire twirler, Elora.

Soon she is off to meet Matty at Port Stephens (Yacht count 1).  A rainbow appears in the sky as she joins Matty on deck to sip some orange juice, before dolphins appear at the bow.  Let’s just call Elora, Glinda the Good Witch for this episode, shall we?  All sunshine and light. And with the ability to wear platform wedges on the sand.

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The only cloud on the horizon comes from Matty himself.

“I’m thirty.  How old are you?”

“I’m twenty-seven.”

“Wow!  You look amazing for twenty-seven!”

Ummm….

And if he didn’t look like enough of an idiot, when he learns that Elora lived in Paris, he tries to engage her in conversation:

“Parlez vous francais?” he offers.

“Je conjure les dauphins et les arc-en-ciel de mon vagin,” (or something like that; my French is a bit scratchy) replies Elora.

“I have no idea what you just said,” Matt says.

Probably for the better.

Back at the house, Jennifer, in a totally non-staged conversation has decided that now is a perfect time to bond with her weird sisters; Leah and Sian, who make some sort of pact that they will bring everybody else down in their quest for Matty’s heart.  It is not clear whether they intend to win his heart, or cut it from his chest and dump it into their steaming cauldron of shit.

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Jenn is a bit too excited to read the names of the girls who are going on the group date:  Cobie, Liz, Sian, Laura, Florence, Tara, Simone, Natalie, Leah and…Jennifer.  Phew, because hell hath no fury like a witch scorned.

Après sail, Elora and Matty have found a couch, and in a break with Bachelor tradition, ingest a couple of grapes.  Their conversation is riveting:

“What are you thinking?”

“I was thinking what were you thinking.”

“Me too.”

“What?”

“What you’re thinking.”

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They also stare into each other’s eyes a lot.  It’s so moving that Matty produces a rose.

“OMG!” exclaims Jennifer.  “I like totally forgot about the rose thing.”

Possibly, but not enough to prevent her waving the rose-thing in front of all the girls as she arrives back at the house. She gets the third degree from all the other girls, in particular Jenn who has a magic auto filling wine glass – from empty to full and vice versa, a change in every shot.

The next day, all the group date girls assemble.  Now I’m not sure how to pick a witch at first sight, but my thoughts would be to pick the one wearing a denim choker (Or is that how to pick a bogan? I’d best Google that).

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Woman’s Day is there to shoot the girls, in an 80s theme, because, you know, the 80s played such an active part in all of their social lives.

The first photo shoot pits Jen, dressed as a surf lifesaver, against Florence in a teeny weeny red bikini like they would have worn in Baywatch if in Baywatch they had worn bikinis. Florence reckons Jenn looks like a “Jewish banana”.

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Speaking of bananas, Matty does his best Hoff and all goes well, until Jen has had enough.  She strips off her life saver vest to reveal her Bikini Atoll (atomic wedgie) swimsuit.

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She’s into the pool and draping herself all over Matty leaving Florence to embrace a giant beach ball.

Photoshoot 2 has Nat, Sian, Laura and Liz recreating a 1980s dance.  It’s taffeta and scrunchies all round, and Nat proves she dances like a tradie as well.  Laura takes centre stage in the most tasteful of the dresses, all pink and frills and girliness.

Jen, watching on from the sidelines, thinks this will not do and sends a telepathic message to Sian to break out her moves. Sian breaks out into a worm. Mini dress + worm + discreet camera angles = Thank you.

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Photoshoot 3 is sporting themed.

“I’ll play the jock,” explains Matty, “and you girls will be the cheerleaders.”  Well, thanks for clearing that up Matty, because the reverse would be a TOTALLY different show.

They take a few shots and then Simone emerges as a contender.  She tells Matty about how she runs marathons, “because I can’t write in journals and stuff.”

Not sure that she meant to draw a connection between long distance running and illiteracy, but there you go – Simone’s done it.

Cobie, the helium sucker, is fine with Simone taking the limelight.  “She’s not had much time with Matty.  It’s alwwwwiiiight.”

The final photo shoot is Leah all Grease-Sandy-Slut on the back of a motor bike with Matty. She delights in intimidating the rest of the girls. It’s so hot and steamy, she goes in for the kiss…

Tara’s heart is breaking “in three”.  One ventricle, at least, is breaking in two.

But Matt is having none of it, deeming a kiss inappropriate.

“She pashed and he dashed!” exclaims one of the girls. Matty gets points for INTEGRITY.

I’m a bit surprised that Matty hasn’t picked one of the group date girls to take for some one-on-one time, but all is resolved the next day when he arrives unannounced at the mansion.  He tosses a basket of muffins at the girls, and while they pounce on the normally forbidden carbs, he grabs Lisa and takes her off for a hit of tennis.

Despite a close-up of his Dunlop Volleys, Matty is pretty shit at tennis, but luckily this means he gets to press himself against Lisa while she gives him some serving tips.

Afterwards there is a pool, some strawberries and some cream, the latter of which is smeared across faces.  If this is the replacement for that HORRIFIC chocolate bath from last season, then I can live with that.

And so it is cocktail time.  Matty enters with Lisa on his arm.  She is carrying a rose and wearing a clinging gold dress, which the girls are sure did not come in in her suitcase.  It’s enough to start the girls on a feeding frenzy of red frogs.

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Jen and Leah draw battle lines between Elora and Simone. And when Elora has a chat with Matty EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE, Jenn starts hyperventilating her witch’s breath into her wine glass.

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Bring on the rose ceremony.  Needless to say, all three Mean Girls each get a rose. Akoulina and Nat stay for another day, but the long-lost Kardashian sister, Laura-Anne, abandoned at birth after her parents accidentally forgot to give her a first name starting with K, is gone.

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Jenn, Leah, Sian…Liz…

Double, double, toil and trouble….

 

 

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