It’s the morning after the night before. JoJo emerges onto the balcony, fresh-faced and framed with geraniums, all giddy in anticipation of love.
All that’s missing is an animated bluebird to rest on her shoulder and sing her a happy song, and it would be the ultimate magic moment. She still can’t believe that she’s the Bachelorette, but she’s confident that there is one among her bevvy of boys that will bury her memory of love-rat Ben.
Cut to the house where the men have arisen. Having culled the guy who wore a skirt, they are all testosterone fueled blokes, but their evaluation is that the ones remaining are a great bunch without a single wanker…
Cue Chad, luxury real estate agent from Tulsa, OK! (I know it’s code for Oklahoma, but it looks like it’s shouting some sort of affirmation, like a salesman would).
He decides to lead the boys in an early morning toast. The boys seem to be of two types: Those who drink their OJ from a robust tumbler, and those who sip it from a stemmed champagne flute. No surprise that Chad has a tumbler.
“Beautiful girl, beautiful wife.
F*ck you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.”
Wanker identification complete.
Chad knows he has the upper-hand because he is sure that this bunch of bozzos have never had experience around beautiful women like the ones he has met in Tulsa, OK! Which begs the question, if you are so amazing in the L.U.V department, Chad, why are you here?
Chris walks in and is greeted with a synchronised grunt. He announces that he has the first date card and there is a type of applause, muted by those men whose biceps are so inflated that they can’t get their arms close enough to make a clap.
Then, Chris makes a hasty retreat before any disappointed suitors can use him as a punching bag. Evan the erectile dysfunction specialist grabs the card. Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinnie, Ali, James F and Robbie win the group date. Much fist pumping ensues, perhaps with a little too much gusto on the part of Evan.
All of a sudden there is a series of explosions and the men rush outside to find a limo on fire! Not one of them rushes over to see if JoJo is trapped inside.
“Woah! That’s hot!” says Evan.
I think a couple of others look for marshmallows and sticks. Chivalry test? Fail.
Even worse, isn’t one of these guys a fire-fighter? Grant? Grant? WTF Grant?
Luckily a fire truck appears and JoJo hops off it, semi-clad in fire fighting gear. Phew.
“Woah,” says Brandon, the hipster. “That fire fighting dude is like the most beautiful dude I’ve like ever seen.”
As Chad watches JoJo leave on the firetruck with what he describes as the “B team”, we get a deeper look into his soul. Before he was into real estate, he used to be a car salesman. Enough said.
What is there for the poor fellows rejected for the group date to do but crack a beer, gaze upon a pair of lanterns that look like boobies or watch Chad perform chin-ups with a suitcase full of protein powder dangling from his penis.
Those on the group date have been taken to the fire academy, where Evan starts to feel that drooping feeling that he may not match up to some of these guys if he has to do something physical. Wells is worried too, since this will be the first time since he’s arrived that he doesn’t have his back-up singers with him. It’s not long before he’s near fainting under the weight of his equipment
No surprise, Grant gets his kit on first giving him extra time to just stand around and show JoJo how hot he is in uniform.
Daniel, he of the soggy underpants at last night’s rose ceremony, continues to show he’s all Canadian class.
“Last time I pulled hose like that was back home in my apartment.”
Wells is now decidedly unwell and the medics pull him aside. JoJo goes all Florence Nightingale and the rest of the blokes think that Wells might be some sort of romance genius, faking a near-death experience to improve his one-on-one chances.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, James Taylor has taught all those remaining a little song about JoJo and they have all learnt the words, which mostly involve repeating JoJo over and over again. All those that is, except for Mt Too-cool-for school, Chad. He can’t sing, because he needs to use his mouth to ingest more protein.
Back at the Fire Academy, Wells has somehow managed to get his way into the finals, on the back of him “not giving up”, ie. Not actually dying in the first round. Grant, Luke and Wells now have to scale a building to rescue JoJo who is at the top waving like a loon. Wells is out pretty quickly, crushed by the weight of his fire hose, but there is a brief moment of excitement when it looks like Luke is going to beat the real-life fireman, but it is Grant who reaches the top to fall into JoJo’s arms, while Luke goes off to pout like a petulant toddler who doesn’t want to share his toys.
After a hard day of fighting pretend fires, the boys on the group date get to sit around and back-stab Grant, who is off practising mouth-to-mouth resuscitation with JoJo. Luke is still brooding, even when JoJo starts her procession of inane conversations, but manages to cheer up a little after he gets a snog, only to have his hopes dashed when weedy little near-death Wells gets the group date rose.
Back at the mansion, the boys are still drinking. Brandon is sober enough to answer the doorbell and to read the date card. Derek, the commercial banker, gets a one-on on date. Chad is unimpressed. Maybe a steak would cheer him up.
The next day, Derek and JoJo go on the MOST BORING DATE EVER. I think they flew off to San Francisco. There was definitely a bridge of some sort, but I’m sorry; I just nodded off for that bit. Somehow he ends up with a rose. JoJo must have nodded off too and he grabbed it off the tray while she was snoozing.
When I wake up again, JoJo is on a group date over at ESPN. One of her numerous friends in high places has organised some sort of loosely sports related farce designed to help JoJo find her man. I really have to wonder: if JoJo is THAT well-connected, why? The cynic in me would be starting to think she might be in it for the celebrity status. (No! Kath. Stop that!)
So after the obligatory balls and astro-turf antics, it all goes a bit King Lear. Now students of Shakespeare will know that of the Bard’s tragedies. King Lear is considered to be the most miserable. The plot involves a silly old git of a king who has three daughters, two of whom are the most ungrateful bitches ever. King Lear asks each of his girls to explain how much they love him. Well, the she-devils lay it on thick: “Luvs ya to the moon and back and stuff, Pops!” Then third daughter, Cordelia, tells him that she loves him as a daughter should love a father; no more and no less. Lear, being a self-absorbed old fool, responds by rejecting Cordelia and embracing the other two. The result is that one of his mates ends up with no eyes, King Lear gets to wander through the wilderness in a nasty storm, and pretty much EVERYONE dies. If you haven’t read it, you really should. It’s a riot!
Or, just watch this episode for King Lear with a Bachelorette twist. One by one, the fellas have to spin around on a baseball bat (if you didn’t see the episode I’m just going to leave that up to your dirty, dirty minds) before staggering towards JoJo clutching a giant ring (Haha!) and “proposing” to their girl. One by one they proclaim their love:
“When you look up ‘beauty’ in the dictionary there is a picture of you, JoJo!”
“I can’t imagine my life without you and our future brood of fifteen, JoJo, my love, my queen!”
“You are my dream girl, JoJo! I dreamt of you while I was still in my mother’s womb!”
“Tell me all the things you love about me, Chad,” implores JoJo.
“Whoa, stop with the nagging, already!” replies Chad.
Cue the PRESS CONFERENCE.
Each of the men faces the media about how much they love JoJo and who they think is the biggest twat.
“Chad,” they incant, “is a dick (and not in a good way).”
JoJo doesn’t get it. She wonders why all the men are being so aggressive towards Chad. She’s wondering if they know something that she doesn’t.
HELLO, JOJO? OLIVIA, JOJO? OMFG.
For his part, Chad does the whole Cordelia thing. “Yes, you’re beautiful. These jokers look like they’ve never met a beautiful girl before. Hell, it’s like they’ve never sold cars or luxury real estate. Sure, I want to get into your pants, but I’m not going to tell you that yet, because you know, that would make me as big a douche-bag as the rest of these schmucks.”
Nevertheless, once the IMPARTIAL hosts declare the winners of the challenge, it’s Alex (the He-Man-Short-Man) in third, Chad (WTF?) in second and James Taylor in first. James Taylor makes a gushing response:
Something in the way she moves, or looks my way, or calls my name
that seems to leave this troubled world behind.
And if I’m feeling down and blue or troubled by some foolish game,
she always seems to make me change my mind..
What? That was the real James Taylor? I did think he was having a bad hair day.
Finally, it is time for the rose ceremony, the longest, most excruciating cocktail party ever. Usually this means a glass or twelve of champagne, not a fist full of champagne ham. Trust Chad to be the one to wave his meat in everyone’s faces. He starts it all off by intercepting JoJo before her official entrée to the cocktail party, ruffling more than a few chest feathers. Then, fuelled by meaty delights from the catering platters, he truly finds his inner super-villain.
No-one is safe, least of all erectile dysfunctional Evan, who shrinks away when Chad approaches, and Chad then gets his smelly deli hands all over JoJo.
Having been confronted by a posse of omnivores led concerned about Chad’s domination of JoJo’s time and led by mini-man Alex, Chad stares them down while munching on a fistful of pastrami.
“It’s like a party of Care Bears are threatening to kick my ass,” he chews, truly empowered by the thought of all the animals who sacrificed themselves for his culinary pleasure.
Alex is nothing if not the optimist.
“If he does that again, I’m going to drop this beer on his head,” teases Alex. I hope one of JoJo’s helicopters is handy.
After an eternity, and Chad’s devouring of 97 chickens, 43 pigs and a side of beef, he grabs one last handful of smallgoods and assumes his position for the rose ceremony.
The first rose goes to Alex.
“She just picked him so that America doesn’t think she hates short people,” opines Chad.
“I don’t even know who that is!” Chomp.
“I’ll get a rose. I deserve a rose.” Chomp. Chomp.
Evan. Really, JoJo?
There’s one rose left on the table. We know this, because Chris has appeared to tell us.
“If I don’t get this rose, I will probably confront her and say this is fucking bullshit. You like me.” Oh the suspense.
And just like that it is done. We have our Olivia.
Goodbye hipster dude, mummy’s boy, and dude who looked too much like James Taylor to stay, none of whom take the opportunity to punch Chad in the face, or even slap him in with a slice of bratwurst.
“I will not write songs. I will just keep drinking protein shakes, working out, eating food and doing what I do.”
Yes you will, Chad, and you have to know we’ll be right there with you, OK!