I’m back for part two of the radical new experiment that is almost exactly the same as the radical new experiment that was Wife Swap and the radical new experiment that was Married at First Sight and any other radical new experiment that was neither radical, nor new.
I’m back because last week they enticed me with how shocked I would be. I wasn’t shocked then, so it must be coming in episode two. Surely tonight couldn’t be a banal as last week? After all, tonight all the experimental partners meet each other.
First up are Jason and Michelle who swap with Ryan and Cassie, so Michelle ends up with Ryan and Jason with Cassie. Are you keeping up? It’s very confusing.
It’s not long before each new couple is confronted with the one bed dilemma. It’s a dilemma soon resolved with Michelle taking about three seconds before telling Ryan that they will share. Meanwhile, her partner Jason has done the gentlemanly thing in offering Cassie the bed, and that tension out of the way they are off to Coles for a frolic in the produce section, and Ryan and Michelle stand around uncomfortably in the garden reassuring each other about how relaxed they are.
Elsewhere, personal trainer Jackie has swapped Tim for Brad and Tim has ended up with Tallena. Tim thinks Tallena has a funny interesting laugh; it’s a little like a hyena with a head cold. Tallena thinks Tim is a “little bit good looking”. They effuse with one another about how they both hate public displays of affection, before Tallena has a dummy spit about being made to sleep on a couch and Tim couldn’t care less (in a PDPA: Public Display of Passive Aggression)
Jackie loves that Brad carries her bags for her. Brad is sure that Tallena will be weeping in a crumpled heap when she realises that he will be faced with the prospect of sleeping in the same bed as another woman. Tallena, meanwhile is trying the tactics of a six year old by spreading her girl germs all over the Manchester in hopes that Tim will relinquish his bed position. Her plan is thwarted; Tim isn’t afraid of a bit of DNA in the bed and is just as much a petulant child as she is.
Brad wouldn’t mind a bit of Tallena’s DNA in his bed, revealing to Jackie that they he and his bride to be haven’t had sex in eleven months. That would clearly account for his shaking leg and the sweat on his brow, while Jackie pokes around in a crab cavity before sucking the meat into her mouth.
Michelle and Ryan are off to dinner. They have soooo much in common that they are both dressed in navy blue. Clearly, they are made for each other. Tailor made (haha!). Cassie and Jason managed to get some vegetables into the plastic bags at the supermarket and have opted for a night in, with steak and veges. Where’s the sauce? You follow MKR and there’s no sauce?
The gloss has quickly worn off the experimental relationship between Brad and Jackie because she won’t share enough of a pitiful story, but we know his angst is probably because he’s a bit backed up.
Back in the cubby house, Tallena and Tim play hide-and-go seek and Twister and seem to have forgotten that they were adults only a few hours before.
Cut back to Cassie and Jason, who have solved the bed dilemma and are both sleeping on separate couches, much to the chagrin of the camera guy who has to prop himself up on a bar stool all night.
Tallena, despite making a little fort out of the couch cushions.has had a lousy night sleep, so decides to take it out on Tim like a spiteful little sister. Tim’s care factor? Zero. And that attitude, Tim, is why you are in this godforsaken experiment in the first place.
Brad decides to make amends for his moodiness by cooking Jackie breakfast. Ungrateful, she seems to complain that he is cooking with butter (but it’s that Nuttlex stuff) and then proclaims what the sleeping arrangement will be henceforth without so much as a thanks.
Day 2 starts with each new partner sitting uncomfortably while the other watches a video of their real partners bagging them on a hand-held iPad. I don’t know why this has to be so uncomfortable. Why not screen the thing through one of the tellies to avoid wrist strain?
Cassie is still bitter about Ryan starting a business that she wasn’t ready for, like he signed them up for Amway or something. She just can’t let it go.
Ryan watches his video where Cassie complains at being disrespected and Ryan explains that he is “accidentally disrespectful”. And now, Ryan, you’ve accidentally painted yourself as a bit of a clueless dick.
Michelle watches Jason’s video and gets angry because he describes her as immature and she retorts to Ryan that Jason is “a child”. Oh please, producers. Let Michelle have a sleep-over at Tim and Tallena’s house! Twister is so much more fun with three!
In fact Tallena’s so excited for more Twister action that she virtually drags the psychologist through the door when it’s their turn for a visit. Tim watches Jackie call him a lazy arse, and an unaffectionate one as well. Tim seems all concerned that she thinks he’s unaffectionate, but wears the lazy tag like a badge.
Then Tallena watches Brad talk about how they fight all the time. After Brad’s earlier, and very forthcoming admission to Jackie, it’s obvious what his relationship with Tallena is missing: make-up sex.
This would solve a whole lot of problems. Like Brad’s walk which is like he’s been riding a camel bare-back across the Simpson desert for a fortnight. He staggers into the dining room followed by Jackie, and he twiddles his fingers while Jackie watches Tim’s video where he acknowledges that Jackie gets angry with him playing with the dog while she works like one.
Then Brad watches Tallena whinge about how he spends all their wedding money on TVs and goes out and plays golf with his mates. For his part, Brad admits to Jackie that he’s not ready to marry Talleena and he could quite happily stay at home with his TVs and release some tension watching the World Movies channel.
And that’s episode two done and dusted, and I’m still waiting for to be shocked. I mean, shocked by anything other than the hideous bedspread at Michelle and Ryan’s place. The only one of these people I find remotely likable is Jason, and it looks like his relationship is going to face plant.
And I guess that’s what will bring me back next week. Shock or not.