“The Bachelor Canada” (Season 1, Episode 1): Meet the Psychopaths

He’s a professional footballer, a humanitarian and the son of a senator, with smouldering good looks and the obligatory cleft chin.

dudley do right cartoon
The first ever Canadian Bachelor is a humanitarian with a cleft chin

He’s Brad Smith, the very first Canadian Bachelor. It’s taken a little time for the first season of Canadian version of this franchise to reach our shores. And I know I’m going to have to fight the temptation to go online and find out what happened. Brad took on the challenge of being the first bachelor because he had reached a point in his life where he didn’t want to be defined by football.  He decided it was better to be defined as the bloke who gigolo-ed himself to twenty-five women to a global audience of television viewers. In a new world record, it’s about three minutes into his introductory spiel that Brad drops the word ‘journey”.  Let the tally begin, eh?

bachelor canada

Before the girls start rocking up in the limos for the first cocktail party, we are treated to a series of vignettes featuring the first of the Brad’s potential brides. The first of the girls is Mandy, a 33 year old high powered gun enthusiast.  She loves nothing more than heading out hunting and bringing home a piece of meat. Pretty much sums up the brief of The Bachelor.

Second up is Kara, 25.  She’s unique, because she’s been a softballer all her life, but is still interested in men. She plans to get to home base, but the producers would be more interested in how many curve balls she throws.

I’d put money on the third girl, Rebecca being the first to emerge as a bunny boiler. Aside from randomly striking catwalk poses as she walks down the street, she calls herself Bubba (warning sign number 1), she’s a real estate agent (warning sign number 2) and her ambition in life is to make “sweet passionate love three times a day”.  I don’t think I’d want her doing an open home for me.

Bubba -
Bubba – “my house is always open and there’s always water on the stove.”

Number 4, Bianka, is one of those ones who will never learn.  Coming out of a two year relationship with a professional basketballer who she couldn’t trust, she thought it would be a good idea to attempt a relationship with a professional footballer who is being paid to date twenty-five women at the same time. Turns out that the basketballer ended up being Kim Kardashian’s first husband.  This girl has ISSUES.

Next is Whitney, a boxer who refuses to lose.

But enough about her because number 6 is Chantelle, a pastor who has just graduated from bible college.  Casting gold!  Can’t wait for the moral anguish that is going to come out of this one. She says she is going to win because she has God on her side, but God can’t have been on her side romantically to this point.  The Lord works in mysterious ways, eh?

Squeaky clean Chantelle doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell.
Squeaky clean Chantelle doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell.

Then holy juxtapositions, Batman!  Number 7, Melissa Marie is a Playboy model.  It was a lifelong dream she had ever since she was a good little Christian girl. I hope she gets to be a roomie with Chantelle. Then Melissa can tell her all about the child she has even though she has no husband. I hope Melissa gets to the meet the parents stage.  Playboy bunny meets senator is the stuff tabloids are made for, and JFK almost made it legit.

Finally it’s time for Brad to meet the girls, but before that can happen he has to make small talk with host Tyler Harcott (whose name I totally misheard when he first pronounced it and though he must have been retired from the 1980s Canadian porn industry).

The first champagne-primed gaggle of girls arrives in a limo. Laura B is a cocktail waitress not a nurse, which is unfortunate because Brad says he is “borderline on having a heart attack right now.” She says she is too, so I hope Tyler Harcott is hanging around and his CPR accreditation is up to date.

Next is Michelle B, the obligatory yoga instructor, followed by Michelle V, a petroleum land administrator.  There can’t be much money in petroleum land administration, because she couldn’t afford much fabric for her dress.  Brad looks a bit shocked, possibly because he would have copped an eyeful of crotch as she was getting out of the car, then inexplicably says the he should have worn bigger shoes.  I’m not surprised he was having an issue with something swelling, I just didn’t expect it to be his toes.

The next girl emerges from the car and jiggles her pom poms in Brad’s face, and I am being literal, not metaphorical.  She tries to get Brad to do something with them, which he declines, and what follows is a few awkward exchanges of “Nice to meet you”, and she’s off to ponder the wisdom of coming across as a complete psycho on first meeting.

Whitney, the boxer, emerges next.  She tries to assert her dominance by embracing him in a lingering boa constrictor grip.  She releases and tells him she has waited too long to let go, then goes in a second time to force any last gasp of air from his lungs.  Nothing like starting a relationship on a foundation of terror. As she walks off, Brad is bleeped for the first time.  I imagine he said, “F*ck me dead, eh?”  And he could be right.

Station promo updates Bachelor's post hug fate
Station promo updates Bachelor’s post hug fate

So it is with much trepidation that Brad greets his second car load of beauties. Ana is a ‘server’.  I’m not sure if that means she is a waitress, or whether it is one of those roles in a Christian Grey fantasy. She is Romanian and probably no stranger to weird bridal searches.

She’s followed by Mindy Jay.  Brad says he loves her shoes.  That would be because they are about a size 13 men’s work boot and we know Brad’s are a bit tight. Before he can ask her to switch, she grabs him and starts to drag him off to the bushes.  Before it all gets too gory, she decides it’s too early to eat her mate and Brad decides that his own shoes are fitting fine after all.

Clarice emerges next and she’s about as twitty and flighty as the 6000 birds that contributed the feathers for her frock. She’s followed by Sophie.  Brad has recovered his breath enough to offer her a hug and then he’s all surprised and impressed when she speaks to him in French.  A French speaking Canadian.  Imagine that, eh?

Too little, too late a nurse finally arrives in the shape of Brittany. She ruins his suit by sticking a band-aid on his lapel with her name on it. It has mysteriously disappeared by the time Bubba, the psychopathic estate agent emerges from the limo.  God only knows what might have happened if she knew another woman had already laid claim to her man. She tells him she WILL be receiving a rose to match her new belt and she WILL be calling him B-Rad, because one syllable is not complicated enough for someone who plans to have sex with him three times a day.  Then Bubba goes inside to ruffle some feathers and Clarice cowers into the corner.

Hubba, Bubba! Run, Brad, run!
Hubba, Bubba! Run, Brad, run!

Tracy from Victoria seems a bit normal, but then she did follow Bubba after all.  She is followed by Fawn, a doe-y blonde who gets her heels stuck in the pavers and has little to say.

Stephanie is a model/neuroscientist.  I’m not sure what this means.  Is she a model who dabbles in neuroscience, a neuroscientist who dabbles in modelling, or does she specialise in modelling for neuroscientific publications?  It’s making me think too hard and it’s doing my head in. Brad doesn’t ask her any intelligent questions, so I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Amber wants to stand out, so she arrives on a motorcycle, because working in a strip club isn’t enough of a point of difference.

Fifteen down, ten to go. Bianka, the girl who was cast aside for KK is next.  She calls for Brad’s assistance because “it’s a little wet” and we assume she’s talking about the pavers.

“Has anyone ever told you how much you look like Kim Kardashian?” The Bachelor lives dangerously.

Next is Chantelle. When Brad asks her where she comes from she does manage to resist saying that she came from God, so maybe there is a little game player in her.

Speaking of resistance, Melissa Marie emerges next and Brad likes her dress.  Melissa Marie resists taking it off for him.

Then there’s Tia, who doesn’t stay around to chat, and then another crazy named Tina who really should room with Bubba. If she gets to stay that long.

Nicole is next. “You look nice,” says Brad.  That’s because she’s an optician.

There must have been a mix up in wardrobe, because when Laura gets out of the car he exclaims, “Holy dress!” which must have been the frock intended for Chantelle.

She is followed by Gabrielle, too young to be a cougar, almost wearing a tiger striped dress. Then it’s Sandy wearing blue like the ocean, before Kara launches projectiles from the car then speaks in annoying softball metaphors.

“Dude. Where’s my rose, eh?”

Let the cocktails flow.

It’s Gabrielle who emerges as villain number one, when she steals Brad away for some one–on-one time and is none too subtle about.  Eventually one of the other girls is brave enough to risk having her head torn from her shoulders and thus begins the usual tag team format of The Bachelor cocktail party.

Brad makes a bit of small talk with some of the bachelorettes before Bubba, predatory and with a skin-full of Canadian Club, says she ain’t fighting for dick and tries to arm wrestle it out of the hands of Ana, the Romanian.

The pleasantries are interrupted by Tyler who announces that there is another girl about to enter the house.  Now that the rest of them are so closely bonded, they get all “ain’t no bitch gonna steal our man, eh?’  And well worried they should be, because out of the limo steps Jillian Harris: America’s sweetheart du jour, one time Bachelor loser and then Bachelorette.  Luckily, she’s only there to help Brad sort the pyschos out from the pack, so that he can keep them and ditch any chance of finding true love.

Before you can say, “Who’s a fake cow?” Brad has to give out the first impression rose. To Whitney the anaconda.  When she got out of the limo, she took his breath away.

Gabrielle, who looks something like a skanky Mila Kunis, calls Whitney skanky several times, but Whitney shows she is all class by resisting punching her in the face.

Finally, it’s rose ceremony time.  I quiver in anticipation of the cull, because it will make blogging so much easier.

After the smoke has cleared we are left with Bianka, Sophie, Tia, Michelle B, Nicole, Chantelle, Brittany, Laura B, Michelle B, Laura F, Stephanie, Melissa Marie, Gabrielle, Kara and of course, Whitney. All should be done and dusted, but then Brad goes and raids the garden and gives a rose to Ana.  He may as well have painted a target on her chest as well.

At least Brad had enough sense to cull Bubba, but then we all know how the plot of Fatal Attraction went.  Just when Brad thinks Bubba is gone, he’ll find Chantelle’s head simmering away in a pot.

Bubba's not done yet.
Bubba’s not done yet.

The Bachelor: Canada, Lifestyle You (Channel 129), Tuesday 8:35 pm, repeated on Fridays.

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