Well it finally happened. Today I was teaching a class and three times I called a kid Osher. I guess it’s the teacher equivalent of when a student calls you Mum, only way cooler – even if the kid in question didn’t realise the absolute honour.
I vowed and declared that I would hate this season of The Bachelorette, hate Ali and hate writing about it, yet here I am admitting that the thing has infiltrated my subconscious and I can hardly wait until all my dreams for Ali come true and she rides off into the sunset with Taite…but first she has to ditch Daniel so we can get to the home towns.
To get that ball rolling, the real Osher arrives at the mansion to tell them that the last group date is only hours away and he delivers a rack of lederhosen as a clue. They are all much too excited about wearing shorts with socks and one is totally over-the-top at the thought of leather chaps:
Voice off-camera: “I’ve got a set at home!”
It’s an Oktoberfest challenge. It’s homage to Ali’s father:
“We’re going to see who can drink the most beer!” exclaims Osher.
Ali, in defence of her dad, needs to clarify. She wants to see who can have the most fun tossing pretzels, tipping tubs of sauerkraut over their heads and carrying as many beer steins as they can without slipping a disc.
More specifically, she wants to see who can drink the most beer without threatening to beat up all the other contestants.
The real sauerkraut soon emerges: Charlie gets mad when he sees Bill tapping stein with Ali (and I’m not even being metaphorical), madder when Bill tips sauerkraut over his head, and positively livid when Ali is crap at directing him blindfolded and he pours nine steins of beer down his crotch.
But what really tips the scales is that the whole thing is being conducted outside and there aren’t even any doors he can show anyone.
In the end, Bill can handle his beer the best of all of them and have the most fun doing it, and he wins the alone time with Ali to Deliveroo some German fare. Ali’s still concerned that Bill is just telling her what she wants to hear, so she’s prepared to ask him all the hard questions:
“Do you like sausage?”
Bill does like sausage, but only in a German cuisine way.
But more importantly, he is prepared to dissolve his construction company, move to Adelaide, work for someone else for a couple of years before starting all again.
Ali is touched. No man has ever done this for her before.
She’s a little bit more in love with Bill. But no rose.
The next day, Ali is excited about her single date with Taite. I have to confess I’m a little bit excited about this as well, because although he arrives in ridiculous trousers, they are both soon swimming about in a really cold pool, and let’s just say Taite is built for swimming around in a freezing cold rock pool.
Back at the house, the other four guys are sitting by the pool talking about how crucial it is that Taite opens up; well at least Charlie, Bill and Todd are. Daniel has reverted to his usual state – midway between mute and catatonic. And that, students of literary devices, is both irony and foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, Ali and Taite are perched uncomfortably on a rock like they are both remembering that old story about how sitting on cold concrete gives you piles.
To distract them, Ali has tied some hard questions to a bunch of balloons. He does OK when he says he’s open to a quick engagement, but doesn’t score any points for admitting to self-doubt.
Ali decides that they should retire somewhere more comfortable. Sadly, as this is the last single date of the season, the budget is running a bit thin and Laura Ashley has failed to deliver a day lounge, so they find themselves perched upon another rock.
Poor Todd has developed a painful crick in his neck.
Ali wants to know if he could fall in love with her before the end of this, and he says he could, but he isn’t going to say it until he is actually there. And can’t somebody pass the Voltaren?
Ali’s concerned. She’s not sure if Taite is prepared to fight for her. I’d be a little concerned too, if it weren’t for…Daniel.
Cocktail Party time, and Charlie is feeling uneasy. He says it’s becasue he doesn’t know where he stands, but it could also be because his jacket is in fire.
Taite and Ali arrive back from their date and it’s awkie talkie time. In fact, it’s so awkward that Daniel manages to approach Ali for some one-on-one-time.
He knows that it’s his last chance to tell Ali how he feels:
“Um…phew…I just wanted…um…to bring you here…um…to tell you…um…how I feel.”
Cue Todd, who asks to interrupt. Fair enough. It’s been like, fifteen minutes.
And then he literally leads Ali to Todd.
It’s like Louis XVI arriving at the guillotine, turning to the executioner and saying: “I’ve got this. Hold my crown.”
At the Rose Ceremony, Daniel is sucking on some sour grapes. He is livid with Todd. It is ALL Todd’s fault he couldn’t express himself. Todd interrupted him just as he was about to find his voice. Because of him he will never get to marry Ali. Todd must die….
But of course this is all an internal monologue and despite some manufactured tension where Taite and Daniel are the final two, the latter is sent home.
And he leaves the mansion as he sent the first seven episodes…in silence.