Osher doesn’t waste anytime arriving with the date card, which is a good thing because the girls have finally figured out that if you eliminate one or two girls every rose ceremony, the group actually gets smaller, and all that Maths is making their brains hurt.
My worst fears are realised when Alex gets the single-date card. That means we’re going to see more of her this episode, and listen to her annoying voice and watch her stick her slimy tongue down Richie’s throat and undoubtedly hear about what a great mother she is.
Richie picks Alex up in a Ferrari, its vibrant ruby colour making her appear even more beige than normal. Before long they arrive at another mansion where they meet up with the Lindt Master Chocolatier. The Chef tells them that today they are going to make their very own chocolate! Alex reacts way more excitedly than the task warrants.
In case you have ever wondered how you make your own chocolate, simply get some chocolate, melt the chocolate, spread out the chocolate and then leave it to set until it forms chocolate.
While the chocolate is re-setting, you can pass the time making pathetic jokes:
“I’m going to add some salt to mine because you’re so grounded,” says Richie. Hilarious.
Or you can dip your hands in it and smear it all over yourselves, because that is really sensual, especially when you’re frolicking around in front of half a million die-hard viewers barracking for Team Olena, and the Lindt Master Chocolatier.
Well the chocolate-making takes all day and then under the cover of moonlight Richie takes Alex out to the back yard where he presents her with a copper bath tub full of molten chocolate. No-one ever eats any food on this show, so I suppose they may as well bathe in it. I can think of nothing worse than having a dip in a tub of chocolate – unless it was sharing the tub of chocolate with Alex. I can’t even imagine how many Freddos sacrificed their lives for this.
Richie says that all he can think of when he looks at Alex is what a beautiful woman she is. Watching her tonight, all I can think of is Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption who crawled through 500 yards of shit to escape his cell.
Right on cue, Alex’s tongue latches on to Richie’s and just before she suffocates him, he manages to pull a rose from somewhere and promptly drops it into what must now be a nasty concoction of chocolate and sweat and miscellaneous other body juices.
Off camera Richie must have grabbed the garden hose and given her a quick spray, because before you can say “glass and a half of full cream milk”, Alex is back at The Bachelor mansion waving her manky, Lindty rose right under Nikki’s nose.
The next day the whole gang is off on a group date. Richie appears dressed somewhere between Mr Chesty Bond and Robbie Burns for the Highland Games which basically seem to be an excuse to admire the size of Richie’s caber and answering the age old question: what’s worn under a Scot girl’s kilt? The answer of course is McBugger all.
So after a bit of tossing the caber and tossing the sheaf, the latter of which Olena proves to be remarkably adept at, the action moves indoors where Richie tosses up a haggis. Richie seems repulsed, but a few of the girls’ eyes light up at the big Scottish sausage. Let’s face it, after starving themselves for nine episodes, when given permission to eat, they don’t hold back. What ensues is an orgy of sheep offal and smeared lipstick.
Fully gorged, it’s time for the night time entertainment – a Scottish ho-down (sic). They all dance a Scottish jig when suddenly Richie jigs intruder Sarah out the door for some one-on-one time. Alex, immediately realising Richie has seemingly forgotten their romp in the Lindt, resumes her sullen, sooky face.
Outside, Sarah tries to engage Richie in conversation.
“You don’t really know me, so ask me anythink.”
“What’s a deal breaker for you?” asks Richie, for whom an inability to pronounce the -ing sound isn’t.
“Ummm….” she offers. And just that. Nothing else. Crickets. For this, Noni went home. Sigh.
Anyway, that’s it for the Highland Fling.
We’re back at the mansion and it’s time for cocktails.
Alex holds court, passing judgement about Richie’s relationship with all of the other women with a degree of undeserved smugness.
Nikki, clearly threatened by the presence of Steph, appears to be morphing into her.
The one-on-one time in the garden is very stressful for normally super-cool Olena, who wants to open up to Richie, but is too classy to throw herself at him like she miscalculated her dose of Addyi.
And aside from that, the cocktail party is decidedly uninteresting. It’s like the energy required by those skinny little bodies to digest a gut full of spiced entrails has taken all the bitch out of them.
Rose ceremony time. Seven girls, six roses.
Sarah didn’t receive a rose, though she would have given anythink for one, except a coherent answer to a question.
“If only I’d got some one-on-one time,” she reflects. Ummmm…you did. You blew it.
“Oh well. Feelinks are feelinks and if they aren’t mutual, they aren’t mutual.”
And on that philosophical note, we end another week of The Bachelor satisfied in the knowledge that having seen so much of Alex this episode, we won’t have to see too much of her on Wednesday.
Until then, I’m off. I have an insatiable craving for a Freddo…