No mucking around tonight. The opening teasers have scarcely finished rolling before Osher appears with his blue date card. It’s single date time and Faith is the lucky girl. The whole thing is full of James Bond references, but Faith just hasn’t got a clue.
I’m not sure that she’s any the wiser when Richie turns up in his speed boat. I get that. There has only been one blonde Bond, and Richie may be cute, but Daniel Craig he isn’t. Plus, the producers have chosen music for his entrance that is more like the theme to Peter Gunn. Yes…the music. That’s probably why Faith is confused!
It’s not long before Richie and Faith arrive at yet another abandoned waterfront Sydney mansion. Here, in the tropical gardens is Daniel, a bartender who is going to teach the pair how to make martinis.
“I’ll have mine shaken not stirred,” says Richie.
“OOOOOOOH!” exclaims Faith. “Now I get why you used that line! I used to work in a pub once, but I only ever poured beer.”
No, Faith. You don’t get it. And you are surely the only person on the planet who has never heard a heard a Bond throwaway line.
Little damage done, because the whole Bond theme gets a bit lost poolside, unless I missed the bit in Octopussy where the Bond babe shoves Roger Moore into the pool and then the pair of them launch into a rigorous game of miniature basketball.
Richie is impressed. He loves Faith’s competitive nature. Why wouldn’t he? It means she spends most of the pool time with her legs clenched, vice-like, around his hips and with her boobs pressed into the middle of his back.
Spent from the physical activity, the pair find repose on the day bed, where they talk about past relationships and how much they have fun together. And laugh! Richie has laughed until his cheeks ache. Before his side-face caves in altogether, he manages to get in a kiss, and then whips a perfectly pristine rose from under the mattress. Faith, of course, accepts. It’s a poignant moment until a gang of black-clad samurai, sent by Blofeld, lunge from the shrubbery, kidnap Faith, take her to a cavernous underground hideaway where they tie her up and dangle her above a tank of man-eating sharks, while a candle slowly burns through the rope…
Back at the Bachelor mansion, Nikki announces the seven girls who will be going on the group date. For some reason she feels she has to shout the names in a pitch so high that only dogs and bachelorettes are able to make it out clearly. Keira is the last name called and boy is she happy about it.
“Yay! Yay! Yay!” she says with faux enthusiasm.
“You’re the group date groupie,” laughs Rachel, and Keira shows remarkable restraint in not punching her in the face.
Begrudgingly, Keira tramps along to Curzon House where the girls are to be treated to ballroom dancing lessons, led by Stefano. Stefano appears to be a product of a 3D printer, where someone has combined Woody from Toy Story with Orlando Bloom.
The girls need to pair up, and Keira proves to be something of a mathematical genius. Realising that seven is not divisible by two, she launches herself onto Richie, then smugly gazes upon the derision she has caused. It may not have been such a smart plan though, because it seems that rather than gaze into Keira’s eyes, he is distracted by girl-on-girl action times three.
Eventually it is time for Richie to waltz with each of the girls, most of whose efforts are thwarted by ridiculous choices in outfit, ridiculously high heels, or having to concentrate.
Even the gazelle-like Olena finds it impossible to think and waltz at the same time. Ultimately, Keira wins the challenge and Osher announces that that there is something special for her to change into upstairs.
Everyone hopes it will be a change in attitude, as the ungrateful cow makes a snide remark about not getting a one-on-one now, which everyone except Richie manages to hear. This is called FORESHADOWING.
Only moments later, in what is supposed to be a Cinderella moment, Keira descends the staircase in a ball gown. It’s a pretty frock; it’s just that it makes her look less like Cinders and more like Cruella De Ville at her high school formal – if Cruella De Ville was dumb enough to still be in high school when she was thirty.
Thankfully, however, it was Keira who got to wear it and not some of the others – Noni, for example. I love the girl, so I truly mean her no offence, but she has an open love affair with bacon. Just sayin’. It also means that Keira gets to wear her own black choker, which she has now worn so often, I am beginning to think that she wears it to hide the scars from Australia’s first head transplant.
Richie finally gets his jacket back, but clearly not his nuts, because after a bit of awkward dancing out in the garden in front of a string quartet, he gives her a rose. This seems inexplicable, until the camera cuts to the full moon. We never see the exchange of the rose, so I can only assume that the full moon brought out the werewolf in Keira, who pinned Richie down, and growled, ”It’s the rose or your throat…”
And nutless, Richie succumbed.
Someone who does have some balls, not entirely unsurprisingly, is Eliza.
Keira can’t even finish her stilted account of her date before Eliza interjects:
“I’m sorry….um…but…um…um…earlier today….um…you sounded very…like…um…ungrateful…?”
“Well fuck you, I’m fucking offended!” Keira retorts.
Georgia tries to mediate: “What Eliza means is…”
“Shut your fucking mouth. And take off that fucking choker, you fucking wannabe! I’m taking my fucking rose and fucking off. And you can all get fucked.”
Wow. In the words of the Bond, shaken and stirred. Thankfully it’s cocktail party time, because I could do with a sav blanc myself.
Clearly they are serving up a good brew tonight. Georgia feels like she’s in Troy (the movie, I assume, and not some work experience production assistant) and is hoping for a bit of Brad Pitt.
Eliza wants to apologise to Keira for forcing Keira to tell her to fuck off. That does not go down well, and Eliza is so rattled that all the curl falls out of her hair.
But creating even more tension is the whole Alex and the white rose scenario.
Obviously feeling insecure (overlooked for both dates), Alex tries the RED DRESS strategy. Confident in that, she decides to wave the rose on Keira’s face.
“I’m going the follow the etiquette,” says Alex, despite the flaunting.
This code must be something decided in the house and has something to do with not using the white rose until all the other girls have had alone time with Richie.
“It’s yours, Darl,” says Keira. “Do what you like.”
Spoken like someone with a red rose safely in their grasp. To her credit, Alex doesn’t play the rose and thus does not become Keira’s minion.
So…to the Rose Ceremony.
Ten roses, twelve girls. The math just doesn’t get any better. Faith stands to the side, smiling demurely with her rose, while Keira stares, contemptuously, as though witness to an execution.
Richie makes his floral roll call:
That means, despite her own attempt at the red frock, Sophie’s gone, and it seems like Richie didn’t want to be a Marja-fucker either.
The episode started with a Bond theme, so let’s finish with one. Every Bond needs a villain and this series has definitely crowned one. Keira would give Blofeld a run for his money.
So watch out, girls, if she comes out stroking a cat.